My girlfriend says she likes that I'm smart but says I can be "on" too much of the time. For example, if someone pronounces a word wrong or uses it incorrectly, I'll correct them. If they talk about their fad diet, I'll explain why it doesn't make scientific sense. My girlfriend says I am "condescending" and make people feel bad. That's not my intention. It's a matter of right and wrong. How can I help her understand that I just care about getting the facts out?
--Honest
If public humiliation were the key to proper pronunciation and correct word use, the hot new show on Bravo would be "The Real Housewives of the Oxford English Dictionary."
Sometimes, immediately calling people on their errors is the right thing to do, like if you're the guy keeping an eye on the big thermometer outside the nuclear reactor. In social situations, however, being right isn't the point. The point is connecting with people, and you don't do that by correcting them -- showing them up with your mastery of "Hooked on Phonics" or explaining how stupid they are to be on that new diet they're all excited about: "Your dinner's going to give you cancer. Bon appetit!"
Typically, there are two kinds of people who think they know it all and have to hammer others with it immediately: 12-year-olds and the secretly insecure. Others who do this are narcissists -- self-obsessed showoffs with a pernicious lack of empathy. But a few may have Asperger's syndrome, which is associated with high intelligence, difficulty in understanding how others feel (called "mindblindness"), and a tendency to think in black and white. For "aspies," things are either right or wrong. Things they perceive to be wrong they find very disturbing, and they're driven to right them -- in conversation, or let's say they get a love letter. What else is there to do but make corrections in red and send it back?
But even people with Asperger's can learn to act empathetically by having someone help them understand how certain behaviors tend to make others feel and then memorizing socially appropriate responses (like smiling and nodding instead of challenging somebody to a duel over their misuse of the subjunctive). At the very least, you need to ask "Would it be okay if I told you what I learned while in the grammar police?" before diagramming somebody's sentence on the restaurant wall.
Whatever your reason for going all conversational disciplinarian on people, as someone who values being right, you probably value being effective. Correcting people makes them feel attacked, which makes them defensive. They won't hear your correction; they'll just hear you telling them they're an idiot. Ironically, it's by listening to people and giving them the sense that you like and respect them that you might get them interested in your ideas -- fun as it must be to turn every social occasion into a Soviet show trial, but with hors d'oeuvres and an open bar.
Last year, I got out of a bad marriage. My husband withheld sex (despite my keeping up my appearance), and it really made me question my desirability. I'm now ready for a relationship, but I only seem to attract guys seeking one-night stands. I did start dressing in very sexy clothing, and my best friend (who's no prude) suspects this is sending the wrong signals.
--Overcompensating?
When you're looking for a relationship, it's okay to arrive at dates dressed like you just got off work -- providing you don't look like the vice president of jumping out of cakes in not much more than body glitter. Research by psychologist Cari Goetz suggests that men see revealing clothing as a sort of billboard advertising women's availability for "short-term mating" ("till daylight do us part!"). And though you want a relationship, consider whether you're subconsciously seeking some (short-term) reassurance about your hotitude. It might help to recognize that your husband's behavior probably had more to do with something about him than something about your appearance. (After all, some pretty underkempt people manage to get it on.)
To advertise your interest in a relationship, wear clothes that are form-following instead of pore-following. Per evolutionary psychology research on what men are attracted to, what seems essential is highlighting your waist -- revealing your figure to be more hourglass than beer keg. And consider that one of the easiest ways to look attractive is by walking tall -- moving in a way that conveys sexy confidence (even if that isn't quite how you feel). Sexy from within is what relationship-minded men are looking for -- as opposed to the sort of sexy that, when you lean forward at the bar, gets a dermatologist tapping you on the shoulder: "You know, you really should get that mole on your inner thigh looked at."
In social situations, my boyfriend will often pretend to have read books I know he hasn't. He doesn't just fake it with some casual "Yeah, I read that." He will try to say something deep and philosophical but can end up not making much sense. He's too smart to need to do this. Is there something I can say to persuade him to stop?
--Embarrassed
Your boyfriend's just lucky nobody's suspected he's lying about what he's read and tried to trip him up -- maybe with "It's like Heathcliff wandering the moors searching for Cathy after she was abducted by aliens!" or "What a relief when Romeo rushed Juliet to the hospital and they pumped her stomach!"
Obviously, if you're at the English department's afternoon tea and you don't know your Homer from your Homer Simpson, there's a problem. But, the truth is, not every intelligent person is well-read. People show their intelligence in how they solve the problems life throws them. And actually, as psychologist Carol Dweck observes in "Why Smart People Can Be So Stupid," the people most likely to squander the intelligence they have are those who measure their self-worth through their intellectual performance -- "(caring) so much about looking smart that they act dumb."
Dweck finds in her research that this thinking comes out of a "fixed mindset" -- the self-improvement-stunting belief that intelligence and ability are set and not changeable, rather than what seems to be the case: that you can work to improve yourself (the "growth mindset"). With the growth mindset, you're motivated to learn and grow, and failure is just a sign that you need to keep trying. For fixed-mindset people, success is about proving they're already smart and talented, and the need to work to accomplish things is a sign of being dumb. Fixed-mindsetters actually have a dislike for hard work, which Dweck says makes sense, because if you think effort is for idiots, what else is there to do but avoid it?
Sure, your boyfriend could simply be lazy -- wanting to look smart but thinking he'd take a shortcut getting there. But chances are, there's more to it than that. Build him up -- tell him you respect his mind, and then tell him you can't bear to see him faking it. Explain Dweck's thinking, and lay out her advice (from her most recent book, "Mindset") for escaping the fixed mindset: First, listen for the fixed-mindset voice, and talk back to it with the growth mindset voice: "Hey, Self...you succeed by working to learn, not pretending you've got the Library of Alexandria in your baseball hat!" Next, take growth-mindset action: Risk admitting that you haven't read something, and note how people shrug or maybe respect your honesty; they don't get up on furniture and pelt you with old fruit. Finally, get reading -- perhaps with a 15- to 20-page nightly quota -- and enjoy the reward: having something meaningful to say instead of having to get by on a guess that "The Catcher in the Rye" is the coming-of-age story of a food inspector at a bread factory.
About once a month, one of my boyfriend's two exes will write him a pretty substantive email, and he'll write one back. Though he's open about these emails (and I've seen that they aren't romantic), I'm not comfortable with his remaining a big presence in their lives. How can I get him to stop?
--Anxious
There's a certain kind of woman who can get away with giving a man a list of "undesirables" he cannot associate with -- a woman whose job also involves knocking on his door at random to make him pee in a cup.
Assuming your relationship is more boyfriend/girlfriend than parolee/officer of the court, you don't get to give another adult orders. The jealousy that compels you to want to is an evolved impulse -- an internal alarm to help us protect ourselves from being cheated on. However, it's sometimes a false alarm, triggered by insecurity. Chances are, that's what has you referring to a once-a-month email as a "big presence" and failing to parse the difference between "I found them in bed together" and "I found them in Gmail together." (Ooh, "Fifty Shades of Paragraphs." Has her cat thrown up again yet?)
If your boyfriend has given you no reason to believe he's violated anything more than the rules of grammar, you should probably focus on bolstering how you feel about you instead of how he's failed to become the sworn enemy of his exes. In fact, you might even see it as a sign of good character that his relationships lead to friendships instead of flames -- as in, his ex-girlfriends roasting marshmallows over the dying embers of his Xbox and Hugo Boss suits on the hood of his BMW.
My husband's been saving for a motorcycle, and I was excited about riding on the back, hanging on to him -- sexy and fun! But then he came home with a Vespa, the little Italian scooter. It just seems so girly. The tiny wheels make it look like a toy, and he's a big guy, so it looks like he's borrowed a little kid's bike. How can I get him to take it back?
--Disappointed
If you aren't European or a hipster married to another hipster, it's a little dismaying when your husband's new ride looks like it came in a pink package marked "Barbie doll sold separately."Men who ride Vespas and other scooters will tell you that they are secure enough in their masculinity that they don't need their transportation to be all hairy-chested and gladiating. But the reality is, image matters, especially a wife's image of her husband. And motorcycles are iconically manly and badass, while Vespas are...well, it's the imagery of Hells Angels, "Easy Rider," and "The Wild Ones" versus the My Little Pony of ground transportation.
Your husband wasn't wrong to want a Vespa. But he isn't a bachelor anymore, so he shouldn't be making major financial decisions like a guy who's still eating cold cereal over a toilet. Not even when he's spending his own money. It isn't that he should ask your permission. (You're his wife, not his mommy.) He just needs to remember that he's in a partnership and act like it -- consult you on major purchases and decisions and make sure you fully understand what he is (and, by extension, you are) getting into. Sometimes, you may not agree with some course of action, and he may still decide to go through with it. But asking for your feedback will at least make you feel respected and part of the process. And it's essential in heading off problems -- like being a big bruiser of a guy spending thousands on a vehicle sized for Italian slicksters who subsist on olive oil and cigarette smoke.
As "not his mommy," you don't get to tell him to trade in the horsiepower for horsepower. Instead, tell him there's a problem, and lay it on the table for the two of you to take apart and solve together. This requires making compromise your collective goal (though this may be more successful in spirit than in practice). Can you, for example, think a little more, uh, expansively about masculinity? Realistically, maybe not. Would he consider returning the bike, or would that be too huge of a financial haircut? Or...is there some solution that works a bit for both of you, like his renting a bike on some weekends -- the kind that looks like it runs on gas, not rainbows and unicorn farts?
At the very least, L'affaire Vespa could serve as a reminder to take a more partnered approach to both conflict resolution and impending major purchases -- before you get all excited about his new sports car and he drives up with the sport package...in the mom jeans of motor vehicles, the minivan.
A female friend set me up with one of her girlfriends, and we went for drinks. There was no love connection, though there was some light kissing afterward (for maybe 30 seconds). Neither of us reached out to the other post-date. Well, my friend just yelled at me for "ghosting out" on her friend. Do I really need to "break up" with somebody after one date?
--Chastised
This friend's notion of what you owe somebody after the first date verges on expecting you to march up to strangers in the supermarket and announce, "I've decided that I'm just not that into you."
She's accusing you of "ghosting," which describes disappearing on somebody you've been dating or in a relationship with without so much as a text goodbye. Being ghosted is humiliating; it's the statement without the statement that you not only have no value but have ceased to exist.
However, in order to ghost someone, there needs to be a relationship of sorts and some expectation you'd be seeing each other again, which, on the first date, you really can't have. Sure, some kindly worded goodbye is in order if you have sex on the first date or if your date texts, calls, or emails you. But otherwise, there's no obligation for closure after the first date, because, well, nothing was really opened yet. It's essentially the dating version of those free samples at the supermarket. After you take that toothpick of beef sate, the lady in the white apron and the paper hat just smiles and says, "Enjoy!"; she doesn't chase you through the frozen foods section, demanding to know whether you're going to take the whole cow.
I'm an aspiring comedian -- seriously aspiring -- so I'm out most nights doing stand-up. My girlfriend gets upset about all the time I put into this and expects my nights off to be spent with her. Recently, I was going to an open mic, when a friend called and invited me to a birthday party. I ended up blowing off stand-up for the party, but later, my girlfriend asked me how stand-up went and I just said "fine." I don't normally lie, but looking back, I was just tired and not up for a drawn-out conversation. The next morning, I said something about the party, and she realized that I'd lied. Now she is upset and says that if I'd lie about something so insignificant, maybe I'm lying about bigger things.
--Stand-up Guy
You're an aspiring comedian but a failed sociopath -- telling a lie about your whereabouts at night but going all "whoopsy" about keeping it up the morning after. On the success-in-crime scale, this is like getting picked up by the cops for bank robbery -- because the bank manager spotted you making off with that pen on a chain.
Still, yours was not a white lie -- a lie to spare another person's feelings -- but more of a beige lie: a lie to spare your own feelings (allowing you to get into bed instead of into a three-hour parole hearing). Obviously, lies are not Miracle-Gro for a relationship. Even small lies gnaw away at trust and can destroy your bond. But seeing as there's no evidence you're a serial liar, what's important is why you told this lie. Maybe you're generally conflict-avoidant. But chances are, you're specifically conflict-avoidant -- comedy conflict-avoidant -- probably because your girlfriend sees your devotion to your comedy as a crime against the relationship.
This is probably what led her to believe that all of your non-comedy nights belong to her -- which amounts to your being an indentured boyfriend, working off all your stand-up nights with romantic evenings out. When you love somebody, no, spending time with them isn't the worst thing in the world. But you also need time to goof off and be a person -- to cut out of comedy some night to hang with a friend at a party or just sit in your underwear and stare at the UPC label on a can of beer.
As you've seen, avoiding conflict doesn't make it go away; it just goes away and sharpens its fangs. You and your girlfriend need to discuss whether she's truly on board with your doing comedy and all that entails, including your need for some unapproved lone fun. If, for her, this isn't so much about time as it is about feeling important to you, you could pledge to be extra-affectionate when you're together -- hug her, kiss her, sweetie-talk her -- and set aside a designated day every week to spend together (as a number of comedy couples do). If she can opt for quality over quantity, you should be able to retire from your brief career as a failed liar -- or at least put lying in its proper place: getting out of your driveway in the morning without starting a blood feud with the neighbor and keeping holiday dinners with the family from ending with somebody's face pressed between the plates of the George Foreman grill.
Our neighborhood bar started having karaoke night on weekends, and my wife always wants to go and sing. I love her, and she's a great person, but she's an absolutely terrible singer, and I'm embarrassed for her (and a little for myself) every time she gets up there and belts one out. Does love mean being honest with your wife about her singing voice?
--Broken Eardrums
Your wife is one of the few karaoke singers who manages to surprise the audience -- making people turn around to see whether someone's singing "Blackbird" or being pecked to death by one. This actually isn't a bad thing. "Karaoke" is Japanese for "y'all better be drunk, because I'm trying my luck at Donna Summer." Great karaoke isn't about doing it right; it's about doing it proud. So you show your love for your wife by whooping up the audience -- clapping and cheering as she misses all the high notes (singing from the heart but with the vocal stylings of a diseased spleen). While you're at it, consider yourself lucky. People with a healthy sense of confidence make the best relationship partners -- if somewhat costlier ones, like when you need to get your house professionally soundproofed so the neighbors will stop reporting you for animal cruelty. Interestingly, the satanic rituals involving a flock of chickens and a nail gun always seem to take place when your wife is in the shower.