You Delete Me
I'm trying to get over my ex, but I'm constantly checking his Twitter and Facebook pages, and I get really upset. I'll see pix of women or see that he's gone to some event and wonder whether he met anyone there. It's crazy-making, but I can't seem to stop looking.
--Unhinged
You know you'll feel bad when you check his Facebook and Twitter, yet you keep doing it. This is the social media version of being the busty friend character in the horror movie -- the one who says, "I hear creepy reptilian hissing coming from the cellar. I'm sure it's nothing, but I'll just rub my large breasts with raw hamburger and go down there with this flickering flashlight to check."
Unless intelligence tests have revealed you to have an IQ rivaling that of Jell-O, you're repeating this misery-making behavior because you, like the rest of us, are prone to fall into automatic strings of behavior we call habits. In "The Power of Habit," Charles Duhigg explains that "a habit is a choice we deliberately make at some point, and then stop thinking about, but continue doing." Research finds that every habit has three components, which Duhigg calls the CUE (a feeling that triggers behavior), the ROUTINE (the behavior itself), and the REWARD (some sort of payoff that tells your brain, "Oh, yeah, let's totally do that again").
You're probably picturing yourself at 80, with an elderly monkey on your back, still frantically checking Facebook for signs your ex-boyfriend's shifted position in the last 30 seconds. But Duhigg emphasizes that you can break a habit. You do this by swapping out the middle step, the routine (compulsively clicking into your ex's social media accounts). To understand what to replace it with, check in with yourself at the moment the urge strikes and figure out the "why" -- what reward you're going after, what need you're trying to fill. Maybe you're lonely and longing to feel connected. Or maybe you're going for a hit of intensity. Intense feelings are called "arousal" in psychology and can be positive or negative. Either leads to feeling stimulated and alive (though sometimes alive and pretty miserable).
Next, you need a plan -- a substitute routine to slip in whenever the impulse to cyber-stalk him strikes. This replacement routine is especially important because a "negative goal" -- not doing something -- is way harder than doing something different. So, if it's connection you're longing for, call a friend or go impede a co-worker's productivity. If you're an intensity junkie, watch a clip from a slasher movie or maybe rappel to your car instead of taking the elevator.
Be prepared for temptation to gnaw at you, especially if you're tired or hungry (when willpower is at its wimpiest). Make it harder for yourself to cheat by mailing your phone to a faraway friend and burying your modem in the backyard -- or at least blocking the guy on social media and maybe installing a program on your computer like Freedom (macfreedom.com), which prevents you from getting on the Internet. When the going gets tough, remind yourself that time heals most wounds, and it should do the job on yours -- as soon as you stop picking that 140-character scab every 10 minutes. #sir-veillance #iminthebushes
I have a friend who swears by the following method:
She allowed herself to stalk her ex's profiles all she wanted, but, before she checked, she had to do 50 pushups, squats or sit-ups first. Unsurprisingly, the physical exertion snapped her out of it most of the time. And she looked great.
Probably not do-able if you have an office job, though, and the temptation strikes in the middle of the day.
sofar at January 20, 2015 6:33 PM
I didn't have a facebook page when my last sweetheart dumped me (right before Christmas), but she did. She has lots of pics of her galpals riding horses. When I decided to create my own page, I knew that if I could see her page, she'd see mine. So, I stocked it with pics of MY galpals riding my own horses... LOTS of my galpals. Surprisingly, I have no desire to stalk her page; it feels creepy, like snooping in my sister's underwear drawer.
jefe at January 20, 2015 7:36 PM
Jefe, I was in the same situation. I too found myself single right before Christmas.
90% of exes cyberstalk each other I read somewhere. It's a matter of self control and mindfulness as what Amy said, asking oneself what is the desired result and the intention behind the action.
Friends, job, keeping busy, and writing (NY times article) are the best cures.
Em at January 21, 2015 3:48 AM
Unfriend.
NicoleK at January 21, 2015 3:53 AM
In my experience social media is just glossy advertisements. Like the way a McDonalds burger looks juicy and appealing on the t.v. screen but the actual product is pretty average.
You're only getting the beautiful actress who is well loved the world around and not the thrice divorced drunken has been with very few prospects.
Ppen at January 21, 2015 8:44 PM
I'm trying to get over my ex . . . but I can't seem to stop looking.
Thing is, you have to.
Don't torture yourself. I've done it. We've all done it. But it's not good for the soul. Gently closing the book is good for the soul.
JD at January 21, 2015 9:04 PM
I have a mild version of the LW's problem: I keep snooping my wife's email, just in case there's a juicy message to or from her boyfriend. (I've mentioned before that we're splitting up but living in the same house til it's sold.) I know there won't be; they do such things with texts, and I can't snoop those because her phone is never out of her sight.
Rex Little at January 21, 2015 11:07 PM
Rex, I was in a role reversal of your situation. I promise you that at some point, it may still be months away after everything is final, and all the drama has died down, that you will come to the realization that you don't give a shit what she's doing anymore. Enough good will have happened with enough separation from all the bad that you wouldn't go through that hell again if she showed up wrapped in a bow with whipped cream telling you she was wrong and you really are the bees knees. You'd just shut the door and say no thanks. When that subtle moment finally arrives in your heart, it's the best thing in the whole frickin world. Because you are free, my man.
gooseegg at January 22, 2015 3:07 PM
I had this problem with my sister, a bitch from hell the likes of which you've never experienced. She friend requested me and I made the mistake of accepting, and then began reading her made up story tale version of her life with her 479 "friends". This woman has no real friends because black widow spiders can't have friends. It's just how the world works. It lasted about two weeks until I finally realized that I was working myself into an anxiety attack over someone I gave absolutely not one little shit about. I unfriended her and went on with my happy little life. I know how tempting it is for LW to sneak a peak, but it feels so good to get to the point where you don't care, it's worth going through the withdrawals.
Laurie at January 22, 2015 4:13 PM
Gooseegg, there's no drama, at least not between me and my wife. We're friends, but stopped being any more than that long before she got a boyfriend.
There is drama between the boyfriend and his wife and family since his son found out and blew the whistle. I keep hoping an update on that situation will slip into her email.
Rex Little at January 22, 2015 10:57 PM
Amy,
My wife died several years ago and I have these terrible guilt issues that pop up whenever I think of her. I was a terrible husband (at least in my way of thinking) I did not give her the love or respect she deserved, but now it's too late to apologize.
Guilt is a terrible thing to carry around 24/7 and I feel it has taken over my life somewhat. I try very hard to think of the good times we had, but then my guilt resurfaces.
I am told this will dissipate eventually, but, in the meantime, I have to deal with these painful thoughts.
Charles Jones at January 25, 2015 8:01 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2015/01/you-delete-me.html#comment-5801948">comment from Charles JonesCharles, I'm so, so sorry to hear this. I had PTSD/trauma expert Ofer Zur on my radio show. He feels -- and sees -- that people can avoid PTSD by making what happened to them have meaning. You can't go back but you can use this as a way to change how you go forward, and take something positive out of that. If you use this to be a different person now, maybe this will both help you and help you go forward as a person who behaves differently.
I really admire you for admitting this -- so many people just refuse to be open about it when they know they've behaved badly.
Something I do when I've behaved badly but the person is gone and I can't get in touch with them again is to do a kind act for another person -- often a stranger. This is a way I see of "fining" myself for bad behavior -- and per research by Sonja Lyubomirsky and others, doing a kind act is a way for us to feel meaningfully happier.
Amy Alkon at January 25, 2015 8:19 AM
I am trying to do things for people that I would never have done before. I find myself emulating acts of kindness that would have made my wife proud.
This is what you were talking about, I think. Acts of contrition in order to bolster my self esteem.
Depression also plays a big part in the guilt equation. I have that under control thanks to myself taking a different approach to life and trying to see the good in things and having a more positive attitude.
All in all, I feel that things are improving which will help me deal with everyday living. It could be much worse.
I learned a lot from my wife and I will continue in her footsteps.
Charles at January 27, 2015 3:44 PM
Leave a comment