Demotion Sickness
My boyfriend just broke up with me but wants to "stay friends" and keep hanging out on those terms. (He says, "My life is much better with you in it.") I'd like to be friends eventually, but I told him that it's just too painful and confusing to see him now. He says I'm being dramatic and unreasonable and keeps calling.
--Broken
This guy's notion of how a breakup should work is like telling an employee, "Hey, you're fired, but please feel free to come in a few times a week and do some light janitorial work."
A breakup is supposed to be an ending, not a "let's continue as if very little has changed, and I'll pretend not to notice those big wet mascara stripes down your cheeks." Research by clinical psychologist David Sbarra confirmed what most of us already know about getting dumped -- that contact with your former partner while you're trying to recover jacks up feelings of love and sadness, setting back your healing. You need time and distance to process and accept the change in your relationship; you can't just send a memo to your emotions, ordering them to recategorize the guy: "Cut the love. From now on, respond to him like he's a brick or maybe a lamp."
It's wonderful to have a man who insists on standing by you, but not because it's better for him than respecting your need to go away and lick your wounds. This is not friend behavior. If, despite that, you want him in your life down the road, inform him that for now, you've made a "no contact" rule -- lasting until you feel ready to see him on different terms. When he (inevitably) tries to break it, politely reiterate it and end the conversation. The sooner he's out of your daily life the sooner you'll be open to a new man -- dreamy as it would be to spend lazy afternoons at your ex's place writing him letters of recommendation for prospective girlfriends and Photoshopping your arm out of pictures so he can post them on Tinder.
Another point is, she really owes him no reason for why she doesn't want to continue a relationship on his terms. Think of his request as just that - a request.
It's not up to her to "make his life better." He owns that and her only obligation is to act on what makes her life better.
tasha at February 18, 2015 5:07 AM
I had a boyfriend who dumped me out of the blue after about 6 months. I said, okay, if that is how you feel. We did stay friends, and when he found out that I was dating someone else he flipped and started courting me. I made him wait for some time to make sure it wasn't just territory marking, but at current writing we've been happily married for six years. Turns out everyone he knew (except me) was bugging him to marry me and he got cold feet, which was why he broke up. But he didn't want me out of his life, and it happened that I was okay with staying friends. Now, I wouldn't recommend staying friends in hopes that it would work out that way, and I certainly didn't have that expectation. But you never know.
Alice at February 18, 2015 8:08 AM
Why would you want someone this "unreasonable" and "dramatic" as a future friend?
It's really selfish. Just a plain selfish and self-serving request.
An ex did this to me when I was just a kid and I just ignored all his attemps to contact me. Years later I bumped into him at a shoe store and told him anytime I would receive a text I would go EWWW gross text.. *DELETE*. He didn't seem too happy.
Ppen at February 18, 2015 8:35 AM
I'm with the LW too. Breakups are painful. Why keep doing something that reminds you of it over and over? Plus, it kind of sounds like the ex is trying to keep her "on the shelf", for when he runs out of other options.
Cousin Dave at February 18, 2015 11:35 AM
Yeah, "let's stay friends" is highly overrated.
I got involved with the man who has been my husband for 20 years just as he was getting out of a bad engagement. Two weeks in, I was convinced he was the guy I'd been looking for. But the fiancee, who'd been backing off, distancing herself, not having sex with him (for months) found out he actually was seeing someone else, and decided she just had to have him back. I knew from the tone of his voice over the phone what was happening, and told him to have the courage to come over and say it to my face. When he did, I told him "I'm willing to listen to whatever you have to say. But there is one sentence you cannot say -- you can think it, you can imply it, you can talk your way around it, but if you say it I am going to deck you. That sentence is "I still want us to be good friends." If you think you can make love to me for six hours and nothing will have changed, you're wrong."
Obviously, his getting back together with her didn't work out. Girls who hate sex make it so easy for those of us who like it. :-)
Dana at February 18, 2015 11:37 AM
the words are: "I don't hate you or anything, but we aren't together anymore, and we ALSO cannot continue to be together anymore."
Then walk away, and never look back.
Trying to remain friends is common, and seems laudable, because who that person is, is worth a great deal to you... just not romantically, as they say.
But then, that is the problem. you have been close for a long time, to the point where there seems to be a 'that person sized hole in the world'.
But having them fill that hole, just facing away, will hurt everyone in the long run. Makes it seem as though there is a sliver of a chance to the person who got left, and makes the person who is no longer romantic, still feel valued.
but what of the NEXT new people? They're not going to be able to accept such a thing, and both 'friends' are signalling that they don't have a clean slate. that stunts everyone.
cut the red string, and burn the ashes until you are clean.
then the next person has a purified place to begin their time with you, knowing you take it all seriously enough to prepare it for them.
SwissArmyD at February 18, 2015 2:04 PM
I'm still friends with an ex I was with for a long time. My boyfriend is still friends with a couple exes (we just attended one of their weddings, and she will be invited to ours).
It's not for everybody, but it's also not accurate to say, "NEVER ever ever be friends with an ex -- it's bad!"
As for the LW, she doesn't want to be friends, so she needs to stop taking his calls. In fact, it seems to me he's being a pretty crappy friend by calling her "dramatic" and not taking her requests seriously. Plus, when you dump someone, it's your duty to be extra respectful and allow the dumpee to define the future boundaries.
sofar at February 19, 2015 12:03 PM
He says, "My life is much better with you in it."
LW, he's using you. He's even telling you he's using you. He doesn't care if your life is better, as demonstrated by his lack of empathy. Block his number, tell him to FOAD. He's not your friend, and never will be.
Kat at February 19, 2015 3:06 PM
The breakup this guy wants is analogous to the divorces women like, where they dump the guy but keep his money and possessions.
dee nile at February 19, 2015 3:55 PM
Wanting to remain friends is always easier when you're the person who's not interested in continuing a romantic, intimate relationship. The fact that this guy doesn't seem to comprehend how difficult it is for someone who gets the boot to transition to platonic friendship -- telling his ex that she's being "dramatic and unreasonable" -- tells me that he lacks empathy and this should give her pause about wanting to even eventually be friends with him.
JD at February 20, 2015 11:51 AM
Leave a comment