Playing With Mismatches
I like this woman I've been seeing, but she's really in love with me. I've been clear that I'm not ready to get more serious and that I'm really never going to be up for that with her. She's chosen to stick around, but her best friend called me crying, saying I'm breaking her heart. (Yikes!) Is it wrong to stay with somebody whose feelings are much stronger than yours?
--Troubled
She sees the two of you getting old together. You see the two of you getting together for sex on Friday. The French make this sort of mismatch sound sexy and fabulous, calling what she's feeling "le douleur exquise" -- the "exquisite pain" of wanting somebody you can't have. But look under the hood and you'll see an ugly stew of hormones and the psychological gotchas called cognitive biases -- unconscious errors in reasoning -- leading to an acute case of adult-onset puppy love.
Some would argue that this woman is worshipping at your altar of her own free will (laying if not crops and a goat at your feet, then undying love, Doritos, and beer). The truth is, a cognitive bias called the "sunk cost fallacy" probably has a good bit to do with her sticking around. This describes our tendency to be irrational "investors" -- deciding whether we'll continue putting time, energy, and/or money into something based on what we've already put in. This is dumb, because our initial investment is gone, and throwing in more whatever won't change that. The rational approach would be basing our decision on what kind of payoff we're likely to see down the road. Unfortunately, though we humans have a reasoning department built into our brain, cognitive biases can keep it a plastic-wrapped no-go zone, much like my late grandma's living room couch.
Love is not always 50/50, but it also shouldn't be, oh, 90/10. Eventually, if you have a conscience, taking advantage of her futile hopes will prey on you (if it hasn't already). And sooner or later, she's likely to resent and maybe even hate you for sticking around to never give her what she wants -- instead providing the dating version of "Hey, we don't sell what you need at this store, but please hang out here till we go out of business."
Do her a big favor and end it. Let her find someone who is ready for the same level of cocmmitment she is, and won't just string her along.
You say you like her? Then be a friend, and do the right thing.
Kat at February 24, 2015 7:17 PM
Run, brother, and run fast.
Because that psycho "crying friend" of hers will crawl through your bedroom window with a knife in her teeth one of these days.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at February 24, 2015 10:06 PM
Yeah, it sucks that you aren't the one doing anything wrong, but the responsibility falls to you to make it right. Nonetheless, that's what you have to do: end this.
Patrick at February 24, 2015 10:59 PM
I concur. You've gotta end it. The sooner the better, because it won't get any easier the longer you wait. I've seen this so many times, and it sucks to be on the receiving end, but seriously, you've got to do the right thing.
Flynne at February 25, 2015 4:32 AM
I am actually surprised that Amy went so easy on this LW. His behavior, while not immoral, is clearly unethical. I think we all agree that he needs to move on down the road and stop taking advantage of this situation. He also better hope that karma doesn't bite him in the butt and have him become the victim of a similar situation.
Sheep Mom at February 25, 2015 5:32 AM
Telling somebody they're an asshole doesn't motivate them to change; it motivates defensiveness.
Amy Alkon at February 25, 2015 6:41 AM
Oh man, Ive been the psycho in love lady, "But if I pretend I'm cool with him wanting just sex, he will see how laid back and undemanding I am and fall in love with me!!!!!!!"
Women often hear how they shouldnt pressure a man to commit and interpret it as if they back off and just love him it'll make him see the light of day. Its stupid but there you go.
Be kind and end it. It will be horrible and there will be tears and hysteria. But you know you gotta do it. Like peeling a scab.
NicoleK at February 25, 2015 7:59 AM
"But you know you gotta do it. Like peeling a scab." - NicoleK
Uh, you're not supposed to peel scabs. I think you're talking about removing a bandage.
Fayd at February 25, 2015 8:14 AM
I'm not sure why LW should be considered an asshole at all. He's made it clear what he wants (and doesn't want) from this relationship. It's not his fault this woman is delusional.
Yes, I agree that he should end it (as I've already stated), but someone else failing to accept what you've clearly laid out doesn't make you an asshole.
Patrick at February 25, 2015 9:13 AM
He should just act like a bigger and bigger jerk until SHE is forced to dump HIM!
/sarc
Pirate Jo at February 25, 2015 9:50 AM
I disagree he's acting unethically. He has been honest in his intentions and she has made her decision to stay in the relationship. He's only behaving unethically if he is choosing to show more interest than he feels or if he is vague about where he sees it going.
But, I do agree he needs to end it, for the simple reason that she won't and at some point it will turn messy.
tasha at February 25, 2015 12:16 PM
They always end up hating the guy. It's why I have never gotten in a situation like this because I'm already brimming at the top with hate to humankind in general.
Ppen at February 25, 2015 1:29 PM
@Kat I like your misspelling "cocmmitment"
To be fully human a woman needs an unrequited love or something close.
Congratulate LW.
Mere mortal at February 25, 2015 2:06 PM
This is cracking me up. Really.
The guy made it plain that he has no interest in getting serious with this girl. Despite knowing this, she chooses to hang around and is deluding herself. Yet, somehow, he's a scumbag in the minds of some of the commenters here. Some of you need to seriously check your misandry.
Patrick at February 25, 2015 6:20 PM
Ppen pretty funny. No the guy has to get out of this, it has no hope for a good ending, he is courting disaster.
zapf at February 25, 2015 6:39 PM
"Eventually, if you have a conscience. .."
Clearly he does. Clearly, he has also been ignoring said conscience and is looking to you, Amy, to validate his assholery.
Sorry dickweed, you're wrong and you know it. You don't get permission to be a shit head here.
wtf at February 25, 2015 9:48 PM
Forgot to mention that I completely disagree about telling people they're asshole. It's like shampoo. Repeat, repeat, repeat. It eventually sinks in and they do something to change it. That or they stop talking to you. Win-Win!
wtf at February 25, 2015 9:52 PM
I know what's happening here, he has a conscience (or he wouldn't be writing) but his clarity of conscience is being blinded by knowing he gets regular sex and love and affection from someone he "likes" who adores him.
The Right Thing To Do is end it. It is ultimately selfish behavior and is wasting this girl's time, allow her to find someone who genuinely gives her the love back that she deserves in return for giving love.
Yes, her clarity of reasoning is being blinded by her feelings ... but *he knows this*.
Lobster at February 26, 2015 2:13 AM
@"He has been honest in his intentions and she has made her decision to stay in the relationship"
Yes, but he knows her decision is based on a false delusion that he will eventually love her back the same way. He can't pretend not to know this, because the sex is good or it flatters his ego or whatever, and claim there's nothing wrong with this situation.
Lobster at February 26, 2015 2:15 AM
Lobster: He can't pretend not to know this, because the sex is good or it flatters his ego or whatever, and claim there's nothing wrong with this situation.
Facts not in evidence.
And I love how all you bleeding hearts just sob uncontrollably for this self-deluded, clingly limpet and exonerate her of any responsibility for this whatsoever.
No, no...it's all the guy's fault. Foam, spit, gnash, gnash. How dare he be honest with his intentions right from the start and fail to assume full responsibility for the girl's bad decisions.
Patrick at February 26, 2015 2:51 AM
So, tell me, is this jaundiced perspective stemming from a hatred of all men because you believe that men are evil pigs and that if there's a dysfunctionality in their relationship, it just has to be all his fault? Or do you just believe that women are just so emotional and needy that they can't possibly be expected to do what's right by themselves without a man making the decision for her?
Patrick at February 26, 2015 3:07 AM
Well, Patrick, she isn't the one who wrote to Amy, he is. So clearly, he knows he's behaving badly. He just wants justification to continue to do so. Which he knows he shouldn't, but he was looking for a pass, based on the fact that the woman is unable to get out of it on her own. She's hung up on him, and he's taking advantage. Yes, he has to be the one to end it. It's obvious she won't.
Flynne at February 26, 2015 4:34 AM
She should retroactively withdraw consent for all the sex they've ever had and have him locked up for rape.
dee nile at February 26, 2015 5:41 AM
Well, Flynne, he's actually not behaving badly. He made his intentions plain. He has fulfilled all his obligations. The woman, by contrast, is an irrational and clingy person...and how is that his fault?
And how do you know he wants justification? If he wanted that, he wouldn't have written Amy in the first place. He could justify his own actions, if he wanted to, without Amy's help.
And actually, his actions are justified. Her clingyness and neediness are not his fault. He clearly stated what how far he was willing to go. She made the mistake in her decision to stay in it. Amy made the commonsense observation that if he stays in this relationship, and she's not getting what she wants, she'll grow to hate him for it.
As for her not writing to Amy, she probably should have. She's the emotionally insecure one who doesn't have the sense to walk away from a relationship in which she knows she's not going to get what she wants.
He doesn't have a problem. He is sufficiently ethical to state what he wants. She, on the other hand, is the one hiding something. Even though she knows he's not interested in a relationship, and even if he were, it wouldn't be with her. But nonetheless, she's probably got this idea that she can eventually make him love her or trap her into a relationship.
Which one of them is truly being dishonest in this relationship? She is. She's lying to him with her implied agreement that she's okay with a "friends with benefits" relationship. And she's lying to herself, in thinking that he will eventually grow to love her, which is arguably the worst person to lie to.
Patrick at February 26, 2015 8:58 AM
I don't think he's an asshole, but he does need to end their relationship. He knows she's holding on to hopes that there will be something more, and the right thing to do is end it.
I'm a little concerned about this line:
"I'm not ready to get more serious"
If he's telling her that, then it's possible she's holding out for when he IS ready to get serious.
It sounds like, if he met his perfect match today, he would be ready to be serious. She is not that person for him and never will be. He might need to be brutal in order to be kind in the long run.
MonicaP at February 26, 2015 12:32 PM
Thank you, Monica. I agree completely.
I would only point out that there's another part to that sentence: "I'm not ready to get more serious and that I'm really never going to be up for that with her."
In other words, even when he's ready to get more serious, she's not the he's going to get more serious with.
It sounds a little cold-hearted, but I give him props for honesty.
I'm just a little confused as to why everyone seems to think this guy is so terrible.
He says straight up that no relationship with her will be forthcoming.
He learns from her friend that he's "breaking her heart," so he writes Amy for advice. What's so awful about what he's doing?
Some have insisted that he's just looking for Amy to say that what he's doing is fine, and he should go right on having sex with her, despite her expectations. I don't get that at all. He can justify his actions to himself, if he wanted to. He doesn't need Amy's help for that. And even if he did want validation, he's more likely to get from his male friends, not a female advice columnist he doesn't even know.
However, I will say this. Now that he knows what she's doing, and the most likely explanation as to why she's doing it (the "sunk-cost" fallacy that Amy describes), he would be a total slime if he didn't break it off with her now.
Patrick at February 26, 2015 1:49 PM
Now that he knows what she's doing, and the most likely explanation as to why she's doing it (the "sunk-cost" fallacy that Amy describes), he would be a total slime if he didn't break it off with her now.
Yes. This.
Flynne at February 27, 2015 12:24 PM
Of course he should end it, der! It was all good until the cat, in the form of a busybody, came out of the bag.
I can't even imagine continuing to be turned on by someone who clearly isn't being forthright enough to be honest with me.
Let the little woman go find another man/boy who will either like her or not.
Until we look inside and change ourselves we are destined to repeat such cycles. Been there on both sides at several juncture s in my life. This is more about her, not him. He was honest she wasn't. End it...Der.
yolabubbles at February 27, 2015 12:27 PM
People generally have an unrealistic expectation of love, Tchaikovsky's 'Romeo&Juliet' strings are supposed to swell and everything gets this warm hazy pinkish glow and its all candle light dinners and a mix of crazy monkey sex mixed with tender soul touching sex until one day your old and wrinkled and suddenly die
Were I in this situation I'd tell her what her friend sobbingly told me, reiterate my position, and then tell her its better for her if we break up.
Depending on how good the sex and companionship was, I'd let her stay if she still insisted at that point.
lujlp at February 27, 2015 2:22 PM
He needs to get out of this relationship for his own safety. I knew a girl who was seeing a guy who made it plain that he wasn't in it for anything serious. She was convinced he would change, and when he finally did manage to end it, she made his life a living hell.
Kendra at February 28, 2015 8:12 AM
He didn't do anything wrong. But life is not fair. The person with the greatest capability to do harm is the one with more responsibility. So yes, he should end it.
LauraGr at February 28, 2015 1:54 PM
I loved a guy this much once (still do - but haven't seen him in 15 years...), who kept going around in circles in his own mind how he felt about me. While on one hand we were "thick as thieves" & spent many hours, days, weeks & what became years hanging out, having fun, helping each other through life's ups & downs, & yes, even sleeping together, as he was so darned handsome & adorable, I could not resist when he inevitably sought me out time & again - even when I tried to avoid him for the sake of my own sanity! (I even disconnected my doorbell for a while, so I would not know he was out there ringing it!)
In my mind, the experiences we shared were building up to his eventual realization that I was too important to him to lose, considering my unconditional love & infinite patience.
But then, one day we went to a party, where he met "Miss Right". There were instant fireworks between them, & they rode off into the sunset together. Though at first he wavered & seemed to want to keep me in his life on some level - even telling me he intended to leave her to be with me (to which I replied, "Let me know when you've figured it out.") - he wasted no time in putting a ring on her finger, & then the babies started coming. I was crushed, & heartbroken.
I married my "rebound guy" & that was a disaster. I will never stop loving that man, as much as I despise how I lost the best years of my life "waiting around" for him. Live & learn. Leave her be, LW. Go find somebody you actually care about, & give her a chance to do the same before it's too late.
iamaneagle at March 1, 2015 1:42 PM
I knew a girl who was seeing a guy who made it plain that he wasn't in it for anything serious. She was convinced he would change, and when he finally did manage to end it, she made his life a living hell.
Didn't they make a movie about that?
Rex Little at March 2, 2015 9:23 AM
I was the woman in this situation, though ironically, I just wanted a deep relationship without offering the commitment of marriage, while the guy wanted the safety of marriage without developing the relationship. That is to say, we both had our problems.
Emotionally healthy people do not stay attracted to emotionally unhealthy ones. The LW is writing in because he recognizes there is an issue, which signifies (at least to me) he wants to improve his health in some way. He's not the bad guy; he just needs to "get in shape", so to speak, and in this case, it means ending things with her.
She is not looking to get healthy at this point. That is her decision, and she may try to make him pay for it. Regardless of this, he should break up with her: for his benefit, not hers, though it will help her in the long-term as well.
I painfully cut my guy completely out of my life (no phone contact; off of social media, etc.) He immediately married the next woman he dated. When I felt sorry for her, I knew I had made the right decision. It took me four years (and a couple more [less painful] mistakes) to find the guy I would consent to marriage with, but it was worth the wait and the work.
meg1571 at March 3, 2015 10:38 AM
Patrick, you dingbat. The best that could be said about this guy, if he stays in this relationship, is that he's amoral. He gets no brownie points for ethics.
Sure, he's stated his position - he's in it for totally selfish motives. He's willing to screw her, literally and figuratively, for as long as she'll let him. "She wanted me to hurt her, so it's OK." That is not a moral position.
That said, you also immediately jump to the typical, illogical straw man ("No, no...it's all the guy's fault") when no one actually said that. Of course the poor woman is holding out false hope and she shouldn't. There's enough "fault" to go around; it isn't a zero-sum game. But to say he's blameless because she should face reality is not a morally defensible position.
Grey Ghost at March 13, 2015 6:23 AM
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