Seismic Matters
I have a wonderful new boyfriend, but I've been avoiding sleeping over at his place because I snore. Not cute ladylike snores but loud, bed-shaking ones. I'm not overweight. (In fact, I'm in really great shape from CrossFit.) I don't have sleep apnea. And snore strips and bite guards are useless. (This is something I'll eventually need surgery for.) I'm afraid my boyfriend won't be so attracted to me once he hears my "night noises."
--Stressing
A guy will generally appreciate a woman who's kind of a wild thing in bed -- just not when he jolts awake to call Animal Control to show up with nets and a tranquilizer gun.
Luckily, it doesn't have to get to that point -- if you and he can think a little differently about doing your sleeping in separate beds, which is supposedly the province of couples who last had sex when FDR was in office. It's actually that of couples looking to wake up rested instead of exhausted. Though romantic partners insisted to sleep researcher James Horne that they sleep best when they share a bed, the squiggly line of his sleep-monitoring gizmo said otherwise, suggesting that separate beds make for a far less interrupted night's rest. (This is especially true for anyone with a partner who cage-fights in her dreams, wakes up frequently to sleep-drive to Home Depot, or snores like an asthmatic wolverine.)
Because that which does not kill us can still scare us awake -- and because big scary facts tend to shrink to a more manageable size when revealed in advance -- you should tell the guy about your snoring instead of letting him find out. And because we judge things by comparison, let him think the worst -- if only for a moment. Say, "There's something I have to tell you..." He'll wonder, "Oh, no...do I need to go to the clinic?" He should be relieved when you reveal that you "breathe loudly" in your sleep -- that is, in a way that announces you're still alive...to neighbors two doors down. Next, present the solution: doing the fun stuff together in the same bed but slumbering separately. If the guy's got any smarts, he'll put this in perspective. The good news: You have an ass like a 22-year-old stripper. The bad news: You snore like a drunken hobo on a bench. (Can't win 'em all!)
LW, for your own health you should get to a an assessment of your sleep apnea. You are not sleeping as well as you could and studies are now showing that lack of sleep can hurt your long term health. The good news is, that you shouldn't need surgery. A CPap machine should provide you with relief and make it easier for you to share a bed with your sweetie.
My husband started snoring like you in his late twenties and it just got progressively worse and so did his health. He has had a sleep machine for about ten years now and he doesn't make a peep! The first night he used it, I was afraid he died because he was so quiet. It really has improved his life.
I will warn you, it is not sexy at all, but if BF cares about you and your health, he won't mind. It will also keep him from wanting to murder you in your sleep to just to get away from the noise. 😉
Sheep Mom at February 25, 2015 5:25 AM
The LW never says that she doesn't get enough sleep, just that she snores excessively. I'm curious about her statement that she doesn't have sleep apnea. Did she do a sleep study and was told she she doesn't suffer from that disorder? I doubt it. Sleep centers are known for doing a study, checking your insurance and then giving you directions to the nearest CPAP store.
Fayd at February 25, 2015 8:34 AM
Maybe she has a deviated septum or nasal polyps or sinusitis.
ahw at February 25, 2015 8:48 AM
Almost by definition, if you snore loudly, you have sleep apnea. You won't realize you have it. You just notice yourself nodding off at work for no apparent reason. Go to a sleep clinic and get it evaluated.
As for the more general problem: I wouldn't dream about not sleeping in the same bed with my wife. However, it helps that we have a king-size bed. So if one of us is restless, the other one can get far enough away so that they aren't bothered. (The cats are another problem altogether...)
Cousin Dave at February 25, 2015 9:19 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2015/02/seismic-matters.html#comment-5867192">comment from Sheep MomLW, for your own health you should get to a an assessment of your sleep apnea.
It is rather amazing to me to have people (who are not doctors) feel completely comfortable making diagnoses based on...not even a letter with details but an edited letter in an advice column. (Not that a doctor would make a diagnosis on these terms.)
She does not have sleep apnea. She does not need a CPap machine.
She has seen doctors -- and surgeons -- on her problem. It is related to doing drugs for a long time, but I didn't put that in the column because people -- many people -- would have leapt to "Well, she deserves what she got..." etc., as they often do in cases like this.
She needs surgery for this and will have it, but will not have it right now.
Anybody want to diagnose her with bursitis or maybe a knee injury?
Amy Alkon at February 25, 2015 12:30 PM
I enjoy snoring, hence the pug.
Ppen at February 25, 2015 1:33 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2015/02/seismic-matters.html#comment-5867279">comment from PpenHah, Ppen.
Even my wee, delicate Chinese Crested sometimes snores. They're tiny snores, but she still sounds like a tiny alcoholic old man.
Amy Alkon at February 25, 2015 2:05 PM
@"... the squiggly line of his sleep-monitoring gizmo said otherwise, suggesting that separate beds make for a far less interrupted night's rest"
I'll trade off a little quality of sleep for the enjoyment of sleeping with someone ... I hate sleeping alone, it's boring and lonely ... a perfect night's sleep isn't the only thing to life.
I suspect LW would probably love to have his gf sleep over even with the snoring, even if just sometimes. It might not even bother him that much .. some people are better than others at shutting out noises at night.
Lobster at February 26, 2015 2:26 AM
A girlfriend who doesn't want to sleep over? Some guys would consider that a bonus in the early stages.
Joe J at February 26, 2015 6:37 AM
Tell him that you don't want to sleep over due to the forceful air that escapes your body, when you're asleep. Explain that the sound is explosive enough to wake the dead and continues on throughout the night.
His brain will most likely be thinking about something far more disturbing and possibly foul being emitted from your southern half. (All night)
When you finally tell him that you snore rather loudly, he should be so relieved that it's not a big deal. Unless of course he harbours some kind of secret fetish.
yolabubbles at February 27, 2015 12:39 PM
Not sure I understand why it's such a big deal to suggest apnea. It's not like it needs a blood test or complicated medical scan by someone with a fancy degree, to diagnose it.
Definition from merriam-webster: transient cessation of respiration
Which jibes with Cousin Dave: Almost by definition, if you snore loudly, you have sleep apnea.
You can pick up a used sleep machine for a couple hundred bucks, to see if it makes your sleep better - if you don't have insurance or don't want to bother with doctors. And they don't sound like Darth Vader anymore - they are quieter than a ceiling fan.
All it does is up the air pressure to counteract whatever is rattling around in the air passages and making noise, when those passages relax. There's not much to it (tho mine is very well designed - really one of the better-engineered gizmos I've seen in recent memory).
And it doesn't interfere at all with a sleep partner. It's got a quick-release, for sudden needs to be free of it.
flbeachmom at March 4, 2015 4:32 PM
Nice post! Thanks for your sharing.
Laura at June 3, 2016 7:06 AM
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