Urning Curve
My boyfriend of eight months was with his ex for almost five years. Unfortunately, she passed two years ago. I have sympathy for him, but occasionally he'll call me by her name, and it's really upsetting. I feel like she's haunting his brain, and I don't know how to do an exorcism. How do I take my rightful place in his life?
--Can't Compete
If you're putting on some skimpy somethings to get your boyfriend in the right mindset in bed, ideally, they aren't three strategically located "Hello, My Name Is..." stickers.
It's understandable that you're feeling bad, but his detours into Wrongnameville probably don't mean what you suspect they do. Using the wrong name is what memory researchers call a "retrieval error," describing how an attempt to get some specific item from memory can cause multiple items in the same category to pop up. Basically, your brain sends an elf back into the stacks to get the name to call someone, and he just grabs the first name he spots that's associated with "girlfriend" and girlfriend-type situations. (Lazy little twerp.) This sort of cognitive error -- following a well-worn path (five years of grabbing the late ex's name) -- is more likely when a person is tired or preoccupied. In other words, your boyfriend's name-swapping may be a sign that he needs to stop multitasking; it doesn't necessarily mean he's been taping a cutout of her face over yours in his mind.
There is a solution, and no, it doesn't involve inventing a time machine so he can go back 20 years and get in the habit of calling all women "babe." It turns out that a person can get better at retrieving the right name with practice. Cognitive psychologist Gordon Bower explained in Scientific American that the one making the error needs to consistently correct themselves or be corrected and then repeat the right name a few times. It would be best if you correct him teasingly, and perhaps incorporate visual aids like homemade flashcards -- ideally of you in various states of undress with your name on them.
Assuming he isn't trudging around in all black like a Fellini film widow or putting the ex's urn between you two in bed, it might help to consider how he is when he's with you: Engaged? Loving? Present? If so, do your best to focus on this -- lest you be tempted to go low-blow and tit for tat and start screaming out dead men's names in bed: "Ooh, Copernicus...Oh, my God, Cicero...I mean, take me, Archimedes!"
Does LW have any sisters? If so, didn't her mother sometimes call her by one of their names? What parent of more than one child of the same gender has never called one by another's name? It doesn't mean the siblings are in competition -- it's just that "retrieval error," otherwise known as a brain fart. This is the same thing, so cut the guy some slack.
Lucy B
L Garmon at February 17, 2015 7:04 PM
You got that right! I have three brothers, and when we were little my mom used to go through all four names, plus the dog's, before she got the right one.
Rex Little at February 17, 2015 8:21 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2015/02/urning-curve.html#comment-5856367">comment from L GarmonGood point, L Garmon. My bubbe would call me "Lorraine...Richard..." and only then hit on my name.
Amy Alkon at February 17, 2015 8:42 PM
I called my boyfriend by my ex's name once in a while in the beginning -- and my ex is alive and well. I'd been with the ex almost five years, so his name was firmly lodged in the boyfriend category.
I generally slipped up when I was distracted and trying to do a bunch of things at once. It took about a year or so for the slip-ups to end, and luckily my boyfriend had a sense of humor about it.
sofar at February 17, 2015 8:47 PM
The phrase "take my rightful place" sends up some red flags to me. So, now she feels so entitled to what she perceives as her place, she is going to get it by hook or by crook? Come on now. I hope any boyfriend reading that would next her.
rsj at February 18, 2015 5:04 AM
"Plus the dog"
My parents have a lot of grandchildren and have had a lot of dogs and cats throughout their lifetime.
The granddaughters I call by the cats names, the boys by the dogs name.
Ppen at February 18, 2015 8:40 AM
I call the dogs by the wrong name, get the chicken's names mixed up, and call the baby her big sister's name pretty regularly. I've also accidentally called my husband my brother's name when we're arguing. My five-year-old, when asking me for something, tends to call me either "Daddy" or "Grandma" first. (I'm Mommy.)
ahw at February 18, 2015 9:02 AM
My mom always called me by the right name -- when she misnamed, she didn't mix me and my sibs up, she called my sister by *her* sister's name, and my brother by her brother's name. But I was in the same place in my family -- middle child, girl, with an older sister and a younger brother -- that she had been in her family growing up. Unsurprisingly, she didn't mix me up with herself.
Dana at February 18, 2015 11:29 AM
My mom has called my brother and I by each other's names for as long as I can remember. And I sometimes have trouble remembering people's names, even people with whom I interact with fairly regularly. It's just a brain quirk. Some people have trouble remembering their own address or phone number.
Cousin Dave at February 18, 2015 11:31 AM
Egads, BF and I have been together more than 11 years and he still calls me by his ex's name, once in a great while, usually when we're arguing about something. Which isn't often, and then I say "I'm not her, and why are we arguing about this??" And he'll laugh and say "sorry!" and then it's all done. And yeah, the sibling thing, although I have 3 brothers and NO sisters, but I still got called by one of their names when mom was distracted. Or trying to swat one of us! We were quick!
Flynne at February 18, 2015 1:17 PM
My dad calls me by my name only when he's upset, and even then only after he's gone through Mom's and Brother's names first.
Likewise, my guy never even uses my name unless he's upset or has bad news.
Man, how I've learned to hate my name.
Ladies, am I all alone on this?
Wallawallawanda at February 20, 2015 8:16 AM
Hell, I sometimes call my kids by the dogs' names! That doesn't mean I feel the same way about the dogs as I do my kids. Hubby and I don't even use each other's names unless we're doing introductions or in the office -- and then we often slip up and say "sweetie" or "honey" because that's what we're used to doing.
I think unless he's doing it regularly and intentionally, as in trying to make you into his new/old girlfriend, then the LW is safe.
EvilEmpryss at February 22, 2015 4:21 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2015/02/urning-curve.html#comment-5863066">comment from EvilEmpryssI never call Gregg by his name unless I'm mentioning him to someone else or calling him from afar.
Amy Alkon at February 22, 2015 4:36 PM
@"Hell, I sometimes call my kids by the dogs' names!"
I sometimes call our cat by my daughter's name. I guess some of us just get ditzy this way as we get older.
@"How do I take my rightful place in his life? "
You already are in your 'rightful place', you are his girlfriend of eight months now right?
Lobster at February 26, 2015 2:23 AM
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