Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde The Salami
I'm a reformed party girl. I used to go out, get drunk, and sleep with lots of guys on the first date (if you could even call some of these "dates"). I am older now and am ready for something serious. But after hearing me talking about how I used to be, guys campaign for first-date sex. We'll start making out a little, and I get into it and end up doing stuff before I really want to.
--Regrets
No guy wants to hear, "I really like you, so I'll make you spend months jumping through hoops while catching a little ball in your teeth instead of having sex with you right away like I did with those 6,000 other guys." In fact, "I don't do that...anymore" is pretty much a challenge to a guy to try for the same deal the other guys got. So consider talking about the person you are instead of the person you were. In fact, you might avoid going into any real detail -- ever -- about the old you. As psychologist and linguist Steven Pinker points out in "The Stuff of Thought," the ability for a person to deny or overlook what he hasn't exactly been told is a powerful force. (No guy wants to think about all the ghosts of penis past.)
You can also preplan to make it hard for yourself to cheat, a technique called "precommitment," recommended by economist Thomas Schelling. For example, because alcohol and moonlight tend to combine to form a waterslide into your bed, you could schedule your first few dates at a less sex-friendly time and place, such as 10 a.m. at the coffee bar. Then if you go for a post-date walk, at least it won't be "the walk of shame." Before long, you should find that you have a new habit -- ending dates with "looking forward to seeing you again" instead of looking for your panties under a guy's bed.
"... you might avoid going into any real detail -- ever..." - Amy
This is the best advice EVER! I have to wonder why she feels the need to share this information on a first date. How does it get worked into the conversation? Who starts the sex talk?
After an ex-girlfriend and I broke up, she told the next guy she dated that she wasn't going to have sex before marriage, but that she had slept with all her previous boyfriends. You'd think she would have just kept her mouth shut. I don't know how that made that guy feel, but he wound up marrying her.
Fayd at March 17, 2015 4:48 PM
Don't shave your legs before going on a date. Problem solved
Kate O'Brien at March 17, 2015 7:02 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2015/03/dr-jekyll-and-m.html#comment-5908905">comment from FaydThanks, Fayd!
Amy Alkon at March 17, 2015 11:17 PM
I tend to avoid women like this.
Its great that she wants to settle down, but I dont want to be the guy a woman who USED to have lots of mind blowing sex SETTLES for with an eye on a long term commitment with out said sex.
Nor do I want the kind of woman who allows herself to be 'talked into doing things she doesnt want to do' sexually, given that this is falling under the ever widening definition of felony rape in more and more jurisdictions.
lujlp at March 18, 2015 12:28 AM
Typical reformed party girl. Shows off and teases men but becomes butthurt when they treat her just the way she's advertising herself.
Ppen at March 18, 2015 12:41 AM
So what's she supposed to do, choose between a life of celibacy or sleeping around for life?
Re-evaluate how you pick guys AND follow Amy's advice.
NicoleK at March 18, 2015 9:45 AM
"So what's she supposed to do, choose between a life of celibacy or sleeping around for life?"
She could start by not being in such a hurry to spill the beans about her past. Really, this one's easy. It was a Hee Haw skit that went like this:
Patient: "Doc, my arm hurts when I do this!"
Doc: "Then don't do that!"
Really, it's this simple: Just say no to first-date sex. Don't discuss sex on the first date; don't even hint at it. Don't give yourself the opportunity to be tempted. He drops you off at the front door, end of date. No inviting in for coffee.
Starting with the second date, everything's negotiable. But on the first date, just no.
Cousin Dave at March 18, 2015 1:00 PM
“But after hearing me talking about how I used to be”
WTF, why is she telling these guys her history on a first date? She appears to have a variation of the new pathology “no one should ever judge me or have opinions about me.
No big deal she just wants to wait a few dates or weeks to get to know him before having sex. BUT DON’T TELL THE GUY ABOUT YOUR PAST ON THE FIRST DATE! He will just feel manipulated.
What she doesn’t realize that most guys now don’t really care that much about a woman’s past and long there are no incurable diseases or easily findable porn that his friends will find on the internet. What pisses off a guy is “I did all this stuff with other guys but I won’t do it with YOU”.
This is a thread on reddit from a few years ago about what happens when that stuff comes out.
http://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1re589/found_my_wifes_old_sex_tape_now_our_marriage_is/
http://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1spvre/update_iifound_my_wifes_old_sex_tape_now_our/
Whether or not that thread is real, I have heard many similar stories from friends (not with finding porn tapes though).
David H at March 20, 2015 10:32 AM
It is unintentionally funny that this page shows a letter from a "reformed party girl" who doesn't want to be thought of as a slut, yet on the left side of this page is an advert for "idateasia.com" as well as photos of scantily clad women with the caption "Wanna date hot Philippine women online?".
rick at March 21, 2015 10:44 AM
I blame Lena Dunham.
Not really, but I do think of her when I read accounts like this one.
"Hi - you don't know me very well but I used to be a major slut. I can't even remember how many guys I've slept with, but in my defense I was typically drunk at the time.
But those days are over. I don't want to ruin my chances of finding a good husband to settle down with.
Now I'm going to hold out, starting with you. "
maud at March 21, 2015 3:30 PM
Yeah - I can see that going over real well.
"Oh, I was willing to have first date sex with the three hundred guys I dated before you. But you are going to have to jump through hoops."
She might as well stamp "you're not good enough for me" on his forehead.
Lamont Cranston at April 2, 2015 5:55 PM
I agree with Amy (and a lot of folks on here)- ZIP IT. There are so many things to discuss on a first date, a second date, a third date- why are you giving guys blow by blows of every other guy you've blown? And since you seem less 'reformed party girl' and more 'desperate for love and approval from men' (sorry) and you know you'll get carried away and do more then you want, slow your roll and don't even offer a kiss on the first date. You can greet him with a nice one on the second assuming he calls you and you actually like him. Just make sure that kiss happens outside, away from your homes and cars.
How many times have you done this, do you actually like any of these guys? Did you know any of them long enough to even assess how YOU felt about them before it got pelvic? You're not a hit n split, stop treating yourself like one. You're too old (read: out of high school) to let guys use you for what they want and then you end up feeling like crap. At least if you have sex on a first date again, make sure it's because you truly want the guy.
Lia at April 20, 2015 5:45 PM
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