Edgar Allan Repo
The guy I'm seeing revealed that he is hesitant to get into a relationship because it means "taking responsibility" for another person on a level you don't have to when you're just friends with benefits. In his words: "I mean, what if you got cancer?" He wants the friendship and connection of a relationship, but he inevitably fails to step up and women bail. (What a surprise.) He did have a three-year relationship in the past, and I really like him. Should I stick around and hope he calms down?
--Unsure
Here's a guy who will have your back -- getting smaller and smaller in his rearview mirror at the first sign of a serious problem, such as a bad hangnail. Sadly, it isn't enough to "really like" a guy. You need to really like a guy who's prepared to respond to your needs with loving concern instead of burning rubber. And in keeping with this unfortunate automotive theme, assessing a guy's boyfriendability should be approached like selling cars. The successful car salesman will not spend his morning singing the praises of heated seats and in-car Wi-Fi to the customer wearing a blanket and cardboard sandals. That guy sure could use a car, just as your guy sure could use the "friendship and connection" (and, no doubt, the sex) of a relationship, but neither will be able to make the required payments. So, yes, waiting and hoping this guy "calms down" is an option -- but you'd probably have better luck waiting for the brown bird outside your window to turn into a UPS driver.
>"...what if you got cancer?"
Say what?
I know a lot of guys who are "hesitant" to get into a relationship. Mostly that's because too many women go from happy courtship getting-to-know-you right into a relationship of where-WERE-you?, why-didn't-you-answer-my-text?
It's natural enough. People who have been involved in previous relationships tend to rush through the preliminaries to full-relationship protocols pretty quicky. Often uncomfortably quickly.
There is a reason for court-and-spark. Part fun, part kicking-the-tires. Sure, it's uncertain and edgy, but it's worth the ride. There is a golden time when both people can exit with no hard feelings and no complications. And if nobody exits, then, hey, you got something.
But this guy, LW, ... He's already rushed to the end of the relationship, where you're in the cancer ward, and he's blowing town. Obviously he's put some thought into this.
Decide now, LW. For sure, he's not on board for the least amount of discomfort. He's sure. You should be too. If that's okay with you, play with him until you get tired of him, or sprain your ankle, whichever comes first.
minos at March 25, 2015 9:34 AM
"What if you got cancer?"
Really?
What a boob.
Pirate Jo at March 25, 2015 4:15 PM
That's the "or for for worse" clause. This guy evidently hasn't figured out everybody dies sometime. What if he gets cancer? Does LW get a get out of the relationship for free card as well?
Not a keeper in my book, but I don't impose my standards on anyone.
MarkD at March 26, 2015 5:11 AM
LW, I'm going to let you in on a little secret...
...friends display a deeper level of commitment than the guy you describe.
If you must maintain contact with Mr. Fair Weather Friend, make sure it's nearer the periphery of your social circle than the center. Don't let him take up so much of your life that you have little or no opportunity to find REAL friends. Or sweethearts, for that matter.
The boy has a lot -- and I mean, a LOT -- of growing up to do.
Waiting (for an extended period) for a potential sweetheart to grow up/commit/decide is usually not a good idea. Move on. Life's a banquet. Why starve hoping that they serve bouillabaisse when there's perfectly nice caviar right over there waiting for you?
Wallawallawanda at March 27, 2015 6:48 AM
Should I stick around and hope he calms down?
While it's always possible that he'll change, it's far more likely that he will continue to "fail to step up" so you have to decide if you're willing to accept those odds. My guess is that you're probably not.
JD at March 28, 2015 10:53 AM
What if he gets cancer?
Anthony Benson at April 4, 2015 8:59 AM
What if he gets cancer?
Anthony Benson at April 4, 2015 9:01 AM
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