Hope Fiend
I met this man a few years ago, and it was like a thunderbolt struck us -- the stuff movies are made of. He told me that his female roommate was just a friend. We went on a few dates before I realized she was actually his girlfriend. He promised that they were going to break up, so I hung around for a bit, but of course it never happened. Last year, I ran into him, and he said he was no longer with that woman and wanted to date me. I turned him down flat because I figured that if he was going to lie and cheat on her, then he would do the same to me. I'm kicking myself now because I have never met anyone like him. Is it really "once a cheater, always a cheater," or could it be different for us? I have to put this to bed in my mind because I can't stop thinking I missed out on "the one."
--Opportunity Lost
Sure, your encounter with this man was "the stuff movies are made of" -- the ones in which Godzilla comes clomping through town and puts his big clawed foot through the roof of some poor villager's house.
What you should be doing is tiring your arm out by patting yourself on the back. You showed presence of mind in drop-kicking "the one" -- the one who, before long, would have been in a bar telling some woman that you're just his "roommate." But now your loneliness is telling your logic to put a sock in it, luring you into a common error in evaluating risk that behavioral economists call "optimism bias." This is best explained as the "I'm special!" bias and involves the unrealistic thinking that the bad things that befall other people will see us and go, "Nuh-uh...no way...not her!"
Though we know -- usually from painful experience -- that character change is hard (and rare), optimism bias leads us to flirt with bright ideas like "Maybe he's done with the cheating!" It's probably easier to think that now, not having seen him for a while. And the reality is, even serial killers sometimes go dormant. This shouldn't be taken as a sign that they've grown weary of cutting up the neighbors and storing them in Ziploc bags in their freezer.
Real change, when it happens, comes with signs there's been a transformation -- like expressions of deep remorse about being unethical and a sea change in a person's moral standards. And these are just the preliminaries. Character change is revealed through action -- over time. Sure, you could keep this guy at arm's length for a year while you observe his behavior. Or, instead of hoping against hope for character change, you could opt for a change of characters, as in getting out there and meeting new men. Should you fall back into feeling wistful about this guy, remind yourself of German psychoanalyst and philosopher Erich Fromm's thinking that love isn't just "a feeling"; it's something you do (in this guy's case, to more than one woman at a time). Or as one of my other favorite 20th-century philosophers, a Dr. E. Fudd, put it, "Good widdance to bad wubbish."
Shhh... be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm huntin' wabbits. Huhuhuhuh...
Very good advice, Amy, and I totally agree. She absolutely did the right thing. I'm also thinking that if he truly had this change of character that you describe, he would have said so. Something like, "It was wrong me to tell you that she was my roommate while I was dating you."
But lacking this act of contrition, he's likely the same cad he was a year ago.
Patrick at March 31, 2015 5:43 PM
Its possible he might have changed. Most people never do though.
lujlp at March 31, 2015 6:44 PM
Yup, I had lots of pleas that change was a'comin, but not one time was there a repenting of sins to be had. Just a lot of blaming and excusing. People might can change, but not in my experience. I still hold out hope, I just don't hold my breath.
gooseegg at March 31, 2015 8:20 PM
It may depend on the ages involved here. I did some pretty shady, dishonest things (cheating included) in my early 20s. The consequences of my actions forced me to grow up, and about a decade later, I'm now with someone who knew me back then (and knew of my behavior back then) and gave me a chance.
That said, LW says nothing about this guy mentioning remorse -- or any consequences he faced. As lujlp points out, people rarely change, and the only exceptions I can think of are those who faced some punishing consequences.
sofar at April 1, 2015 8:06 AM
"Last year, I ran into him, and he said he was no longer with that woman and wanted to date me."
Yeah, right- He's probably married to her now.
Good advice, Amy.
ahw at April 1, 2015 2:52 PM
It occurred to me, also, that I've been under the spell of one of these "once in a lifetime" sociopaths, too. For me, there is something scary about that instant zing. I need more than that before I begin to trust what I'm feeling.
Laurie at April 1, 2015 3:06 PM
"the one." like a thunderbolt struck
Yep, of course he experiences that 8 times a week. The proof of that is even if now he is telling the truth. If she wasn't just another notch on the bedpost, he would have called her when he "broke up" with the roommate. Nope instead he ran into his 25th mark and figured she was worth another hop in the sack.
Joe J at April 2, 2015 9:45 AM
Some people are skilled at making you feel that "once in a lifetime, this has never happened to me before" magic. Often there's a script, and they believe it while they say it. If you did a background check, you'd turn up other exes whom he made feel exactly the same way.
Insufficient Poison at April 3, 2015 11:53 AM
Oh he's the one who got away, alright...If we're talking about bullets with your name on them.
And yes, he could have changed...He might have gotten better at hiding the bits of crumpet from each other.
Life's too short to hang your heart on "maybes". If he came clean and agreed to doing the things required to rebuild trust, that's one thing.
Just saying, "Hey, I'm unattached!" doesn't cut it.
Wallawallawanda at April 3, 2015 1:28 PM
Sociopaths are often the most interesting people we meet.
jefe at April 3, 2015 2:30 PM
I figured that if he was going to lie and cheat on her, then he would do the same to me.
Would do the same to you? He already did lie to you, telling you that his girlfriend was just a friend.
Is it really "once a cheater, always a cheater," or could it be different for us?
I wouldn't say "once -> always" but I would say "once -> very likely to repeat."
JD at April 4, 2015 1:54 PM
Wow, you missed out on a guy who lies and cheats, sounds like it would have been a dream. What a tragic lost opportunity, he sounds like a real winner.
If he wanted to date you, he would have tried to contact you, sounds to me like he's playing around and manipulating you.
Lobster at April 8, 2015 5:09 PM
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