Stay-At-Home Martyr
I just moved in with the love of my life. Her former boyfriend from years ago lives in her downstairs "granny unit." My girlfriend recently revealed that along with financially subsidizing him, she's still doing his laundry because "it's just easier." He is 50 and previously earned a lot of money repairing computers and being a handyman, but he is not "into" working. My girlfriend is a therapist and sees a therapist, who has advised a proper separation. Amazingly, my girlfriend would rather she and I move out than insist he leave (though the home and loan are hers!). I'm worried that this will be one long, frustrating ride.
--Dumbfounded
Kids these days grow up so fast. Before you know it, they're 50 and back home doing bong hits in the basement.
Though you see your girlfriend as the preyed-upon one here, consider that she's getting something out of this, too, like feeling needed and conflict avoidance. Being conflict-avoidant means refusing to experience legitimate adult discomfort -- like the ouchiepoo of telling a full-grown able-bodied man that he needs to go get a job, an apartment, and a roll of quarters to do his own damn laundry.
We evolved to be a social species and to care about how others see us. However, we can take this too far, as your girlfriend has, probably out of an overvaluing of relationships (over self) and an ensuing desperate need to be liked. This leads her to shove away her needs, making her the perfect mark for an aging and manipulative slacker -- to the point where she stops just short of cradling her adult baby in her lap and feeding him a bottle of pale ale.
Life involves making trade-offs. On the one hand, you call her the love of your life. On the other hand, she comes with a man-sized tumor that she seems unwilling to excise from her life and yours. Whatever you decide, avoid telling her what to do (which generally provokes defensiveness, not change). Instead, you can tell her where your "nuh-uh, can't do" point is -- like if you ultimately can't live with a woman who is in a relationship with you but has one foot (and her wallet and a couple of laundry baskets) squarely in the life of her ex.
It's possible that a real likelihood of losing you could do for her what having a therapist and being a therapist could not -- compel her to act assertively. However, you do take a risk in drawing the line. You may decide to just suck it up to keep her, even if it means keeping him. If so, try to focus on the positives of having an adult toddler around -- like how he should only need to be taken to the emergency room for the occasional cardiac event and not because he's put yet another bean or Lego up his nose.
The Goddess writes: ...avoid telling her what to do (which generally provokes defensiveness, not change)."
And I admire the way you can practice what you preach in this column.
I would have told him to run and not look back. But you, adhering to your own advice, told him what his options were, not what to do. That must have took incredible restraint. It's so easy for me to want to slap some sense into this guy.
Patrick at March 10, 2015 7:39 PM
Ow ow ow ow ow. Major red flag!
Ben at March 10, 2015 7:40 PM
I'm in this same situation with my pirate girl, and it's precisely why I refuse to move in with her. Well, that and few other red flags, besides... if it weren't for the many years we've known each other, it would be easy to turn my back on her.
jefe at March 10, 2015 7:53 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2015/03/stay-at-home-ma.html#comment-5893242">comment from PatrickBut you, adhering to your own advice, told him what his options were, not what to do. That must have took incredible restraint. It's so easy for me to want to slap some sense into this guy.
Thanks, Patrick! (I work really, really hard to be effective!)
Amy Alkon
at March 10, 2015 8:18 PM
Yeah, I'm with Patrick on this one. I'd have asked him why he calls her the love of his life when he's clearly not the love of hers. The flags don't really get much redder than this.
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at March 11, 2015 6:35 AM
LW: "I'm worried that this will be one long, frustrating ride."
Yeah, it will be. Prepare for one complication after another. You will never be able to rely on her for anything, because there will always be something she needs to do for him.
"However, you do take a risk in drawing the line."
Yep. LW has to prepare for the possibility that whatever kind of thumb-sucking reassurance she gets out of having Maynard G. Krebs around, she prefers that to you.
Cousin Dave at March 11, 2015 9:14 AM
I offer, for the LW's consideration, one of the Magic Questions I have long used to help female friends decide whether or not to stay in a relationship; there's no reason it won't work just as well for a man:
"If you knew that today that this situation was never going to change, that this was as good as it was going to get, would you stay or would you go?"
(FTR, the others are "If you won the lottery today, would you stay or would you go?" and "Would you want your daughter to marry a guy like him?" In place of this last, we could substitute, "If one of your friends was in this situation, what advice would you give him?"
I think it's a damned shame and a big, big mistake that he's moved in with her. Better to live separately and date than to move into this messed-up situation.
Dana at March 11, 2015 12:56 PM
I'm sure, thinking about Patrick's comment, that there must be times when you write out the answer you want to give just for the sake of getting it off your chest, before you delete it and write out the answer you end up giving.
In my opinion, a collection of those "deleted first takes" would make a great new book, hint-hint. :)
Grey Ghost at March 13, 2015 6:09 AM
Dude, RUN.
Daghain at March 13, 2015 6:04 PM
she comes with a man-sized tumor
Nice one Amy!
However, you do take a risk in drawing the line.
Indeed. If he does decide to draw the line, he'll find out whether he's the love of her life.
JD at March 14, 2015 11:04 AM
He might want to schedule some time with her therapist to determine why he moved in with a woman whose 50-something ex lives in the basement and gets money and laundry service from her.
Conan the Grammarian at March 15, 2015 10:13 AM
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