Dear In The Headlights
When I talked on the phone to a woman I met on a dating site, I told her I really like hiking, and she said she did, too, so I made our first date a hike. It was a really easy hike, but she complained the whole time, wore the wrong shoes, and lagged behind. She finally admitted that she never hikes. It isn't the first time this has happened. Why do women say they like hiking when they hate it and never do it?
--Just Be Honest
Okay, so this woman's idea of an invigorating nature trek is cutting across a grassy median to get to a shoe sale. Hiking is so easy to like in the abstract, on the phone -- especially when you like hiking and the woman wants you to like her. She may even picture herself hiking -- up a fake rock in Chanel shorts at a Vogue photo shoot -- and believe that she could be into it. And then, when she feels a twinge of guilt for telling a fibby, she probably tells herself that once you fall for her, you'll realize it's a small price to pay that her feet don't take kindly to parting company with pavement. The bottom line for you? Assume that anyone you meet -- especially on the Internet -- is lying about absolutely everything until proven otherwise. (Yeah, of course she enjoys seeing birds in formation -- in valu-paks at the grocery store.)
Sounds like my ex-wife and sex. She said she liked sex, but when we got married she hated it and never did it.
Snoopy at April 21, 2015 5:17 PM
Maybe I've been over-grandma'd, but doesn't heading off into the woods away from civilization and out of cell phone coverage seem like a kind of bad idea for a first date with someone you don't know at all? I mean, I love hiking, but I'd still probably suggest a first date be somewhere a little more boring (and harder to hide a body), like a Starbucks or something. Just saying.
Anathema at April 21, 2015 9:33 PM
I like to hike. I don't consider myself in very good shape, but it turns out a lot of people are worse at it than I am.
What's her definition of hike? Because I've been pregnant and/or toting a small kid the last few years I've been doing what I call the "cheater's hike", taking a ski lift or train up and walking down. Can she do one of those? Or maybe that's her definition, so she isn't lying, but your definition is Mount REynier?
I know my dad and brother are way more fit than my mom and I, and go much faster and do harder hikes... that doesnt mean my mom and I dont like hiking, just that were at a differnt level.
I love skiing, but I'm a long, leisurely road run with a view sorta gal, not a triple black chute sorta gal...
... maybe the problem is in levels?
and yes its a potentially stupid first date on the other hand, how many people really get murdered by their first date? Bored to deatgh is more likely than macheted.
NicoleK at April 22, 2015 12:28 AM
The woman admitted that she never hikes, so it's a lie, not different definition of what a hike is.
When meeting an internet date for the first time, a coffee date is a low cost, low time investment and safe way to go.
Steamer at April 22, 2015 8:05 AM
So here's how the dating-service game works. At first, you put on your profile a whole bunch of info about yourself, and a bunch of really specific criteria about what you're looking for. And you don't get any interest. So then you start taking specifics out of your profile and brodening your criteria for what you're looking for. If that still doesn't you, you just start flat lying about stuff. You tell someone who has expressed interest you and is a connoisseur of absinthe. This is despite the fact that every time you tried absinthe before, you thought it tasted like paint thinner. But maybe, you tell yourself, you can learn to like it if you're with the right person.
So you go to a absinthe-tasting party (are there such things?) with your date, and guess what: It still tastes like paint thinner. You go home nauseus, and having learned a lesson. The lesson is: lying to a date is bad, but lying to yourself about a potential date is worse. It's what happens on dating sites. Both men and women do it, and the ones that do aren't mean or bad people. They just made the mistake of lying to themselves, because it seemed better than being lonely. They found out otherwise.
Look at it this way: All you lost in this deal was an afternoon. That's cheap to find out that you weren't compatible.
Cousin Dave at April 22, 2015 8:20 AM
I'll add this concerning your date: at least she's trying to be flexible, and not be one of those woman who has a ten-page deal-breaker list. Props to her for that.
Cousin Dave at April 22, 2015 8:21 AM
She convinced herself that she might like hiking; that she's willing to try it.
I don't know, if I were a single lady I might try to convince myself that I'd like stand-up paddle boarding or sailing or something like that. I don't know how many dates I'd get if my listed interests were limited to smoking pot and watching Game of Thrones while you cook me dinner. (Good thing I'm married.)
ahw at April 22, 2015 8:52 AM
Actually hiking is a very good first date for those who hike, it cuts through a lot of the fakeness of most first dates. Where all you do is walk and have a talk and a picnic. So the date is all about who the other person is not what they wear, their makeup, what restaurant.
As to women fibbing about hiking, yep it happens. had one show up with a cane who could barely walk across a parking lot.
Joe j at April 22, 2015 9:46 AM
I had a date take me on a short hike, and I thought it was a little borderline for a first date... turned out, she'd had her legs smashed years before in a car accident, so this was really a big deal for her!
jefe at April 22, 2015 1:56 PM
I've dated guys that like hiking. They ask me to do it and my response:
HAHAHAHAHA!!! No.
Most get a chuckle out of it.
Ppen at April 23, 2015 11:37 AM
Got a first (and last) date with a lady last Fall, on her comment about liking a man who can dance. We met at a popular community dance center, and she pretty much washed out on me.
jefe at April 23, 2015 12:14 PM
My nephew learned to ask, not, "Do you like to camp?", but instead, "When was the last time you camped?" And he'd follow up by asking for details, like primitive or electric/water site, and favorite spot.
He is only mid-20's but I thought it was a stroke of brilliance that he'd figured that out. Details are important.
flbeachmom at April 24, 2015 9:55 AM
Some useful comments to avoid this moronic flavor of game-playing. Substitute your preferred activity as necessary.
Hikers:
"Oh, you've hiked before? Where do YOU go? Tell me about some of your favorites!"
(Stops those stupid little lies right in their tracks.)
Hikers:
"I'm into hiking. If you've never done it I can plan a little one so you can see if you'd enjoy it."
(This lowers the stakes for gaining and maintaining the hikers interest.)
Non-hikers:
"No, I've never hiked, but I'd be willing to give it a shot!"
(Nigh painless honesty that allows your potential love interest to feel important, smart, and magnanimous. And given an appropriately scaled-down introduction, you might find a new activity to love.)
In short, save the game-playing for honest-to-god games, not social interaction, huh?
Wallawallawanda at April 24, 2015 10:28 AM
She probably just said it because she liked you .. I think that's kind of cute in a way.
Lobster at April 25, 2015 5:48 AM
Bahaha! Iliza Shlesinger has the answer to that one. "We say hiking because we think guys like hiking. That's why we're doing it. Be outside where the bugs are? NO! We think YOU like that." "You can say you like it, having never done it before and pull it off, because it's ... well ... walking."
But seriously I think the idea of follow up questions is brilliant. That way you'll know if she has the same definition of "hiking" as you do. She might just be a sweet person who wants to enjoy doing something you like to do, but not with the same level of challenge.
BeccaB at April 25, 2015 1:41 PM
The key part here is not that she fibbed about enjoying hiking. As others have pointed out, she just wanted you to like her which is kind of cute. The key part is that she complained the whole time. If she's complaining on the first date think of how she'd be on your tenth anniversary.
DrMaturin at April 29, 2015 10:18 AM
@"It was a really easy hike, but she complained the whole time, wore the wrong shoes, and lagged behind."
Hmm, this makes me wonder. I had a great 'hiking first date' with an ex-gf who loved hiking (while I was new to it) .. we had a few awesome hikes. But her approach was different: *Before* we started out, she made sure to explain the right shoes to wear, and she later helped me buy a very good pair of hiking shoes. Then when hiking, she made sure we hiked at a slow comfortable pace so we could cover the distance. In contrast, LW didn't help guide her to put on the right shoes before they started, and seemingly rushed ahead the whole time without trying to figure out what pace she would be comfortable with and helping her ease into it. Maybe she shouldn't have fibbed, but I really don't like LW's approach either .. this poor girl, new to hiking, not wearing the right shoes, and you keep rushing ahead in front of her without much consideration for her or for making it mutually comfortable.
Lobster at April 29, 2015 12:21 PM
Actually the more I think about it, the more something seems off .. I mean even if you hike with someone for the first who *is* into hiking, you *still* make some sort of effort to figure out and adjust to one anothers' pace .. it's as if he's purposely walking on ahead. The point of a date is making it fun, not trying to prove something or demonstrate your superiority or make someone struggle to keep up with you.
Lobster at April 29, 2015 12:25 PM
"Maybe she shouldn't have fibbed, but I really don't like LW's approach either .. this poor girl, new to hiking, not wearing the right shoes, and you keep rushing ahead in front of her without much consideration for her or for making it mutually comfortable."
That's assuming a bit much, isn't it? That's great that your ex advised you on hiking and all that, but in this case, the girl claimed that she loved hiking, implying that she already knew what to wear and what to do. As for advising on shoes, since this was an Internet date, my guess is that they met in a parking lot near a trail, so the LW didn't have a chance to advise her on anything. And if she's a seasoned hiker, wouldn't it be insulting and/or controlling if he tried to tell her what to wear or do, since he doesn't know her preferences? Some women honestly prefer walking in heels as opposed to flats. I went on an impromptu hike with my husband a couple of weeks ago, and I'm sure the few people who passed us thought I was dressed completely inappropriately - hoodie and jeans, with black FUBU boots, and holding a to-go cup of tea from a local coffee shop the whole time (my husband, in contrast, wore a t-shirt and athletic shorts, hiking shoes, and a camel back). But I was actually perfectly comfortable the whole time, because I hike often and I knew I'd be fine in the clothes I was wearing.
The fact that this woman fibbed, wore the wrong shoes, and then complained and lagged, doesn't sound like someone who was honest or even game to try hiking. Seriously, unless you're going on an advanced hike that involves rock-climbing, it's not that hard to pick out a pair of good shoes. A pair of sneakers will suffice. And perhaps the LW did rush ahead, but maybe he didn't. Maybe she kept stopping and complaining that she wanted to go back. For someone who couldn't even be upfront about whether or not she was a hiker, the latter scenario sounds more likely to me.
Jina at April 30, 2015 11:12 AM
@"As for advising on shoes, since this was an Internet date, my guess is that they met in a parking lot near a trail, so the LW didn't have a chance to advise her on anything"
My first date 'hiking date' was also an Internet date .. she advised me over the phone. Simple. Ok, yes, she knew I was a noob, true, but ..
@"she complained the whole time ... and lagged behind"
.. it may be assuming a bit much, but the part that still bothers me is, he *saw* she was trailing behind ("complaining the whole time") and yet for some time nowhere in his head did he consider actually just, you know, slowing down a bit. What kind of person do you hike with sees their hiking partner 'lagging behind' over a prolonged period and still doesn't think to, you know, just slow down a bit? A selfish person. It's *not* the mark of someone who really considers those around them .. a person who considers those around them will *naturally slow down* .. I can't see how the fact that he just kept letting her lag behind when she *obviously* wasn't keeping up, can be reconciled with the idea that he was somehow a considerate guy who considered the feelings of his hiking partner and that it's all just down to the fact that she lied. Whether she lied is irrelevant .. she could just as easily have been an experienced hiker having a bad day (e.g. sick) and he would have still been inconsiderately letting her lag behind without trying to accommodate the slower pace. It's a date, who cares if you don't make the distance you originally wanted to?
@"Maybe she kept stopping and complaining that she wanted to go back"
If I was hiking and my hiking partner (whether experienced or not) complained or wanted to go back, I'd at least consider their feelings and try accommodate them in some way (discuss, and either find a compromise approach or change plans), not criticize, and not keep storming ahead then not moan to an advice columnist about how they couldn't keep up. If they can't even settle something so basic on a first date with simple communication and mutual consideration, imagine the two of them married with kids.
Lobster at April 30, 2015 1:04 PM
I must admit, I did pretty much the same thing, once upon a time. It's embarrassing but it's the truth. Honesty is DEFINITELY the best policy. Period.
Gary Eisenberg at May 10, 2015 5:26 AM
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