Sociopath Of Least Resistence
My girlfriend has been hurt, cheated on, and even ripped off in past relationships, and I'm paying the price. If I don't text back immediately, she is convinced I'm dumping her and flips out. If I'm busy, she thinks I'm with another girl or abandoning her. When I do something sweet, she thinks I'm trying to play her. All I want is to have a nice relationship with her. Am I fighting a losing battle, or can a little good from a caring, ethical guy allow a woman to let go of a lot of bad?
--Optimist
A woman like your girlfriend, with a history of dating shady guys, can find the most inconsequential things suspicious, down to the way you drip creamer into your coffee -- surely Morse code telling that pretty woman across the cafe that you want to have sex with her. You: "Uh...you mean the woman canoodling with her girlfriend in the 'Keep Calm and Kiss Lesbians' T-shirt?"
There are a few world-class deceivers out there, and it can be hard to see who they really are until you're looking at a small pile of cracker crumbs where the money in your bank account used to be. But, typically, a woman who's frequently chumped by bad guys is not just their victim; she's her own. Repeat suckerization often comes out of low self-worth. But it almost always comes out of refusing to do the necessary homework -- observing a potential partner's behavior over time and seeing whether it matches up with the person they claim to be. Your girlfriend appears to favor a popular shortcut -- cannonballing into a relationship and hoping things turn out okay. Until...whoops! He was just helping her best friend fix her sheets, and then the most amazing thing happened -- all of his clothes fell off.
Considering that your girlfriend probably feels cruelly abandoned whenever you stop talking long enough to sneeze, lead with the reassurance that you love her and want to be with her. Then tell her it hurts your feelings that she doesn't give you credit for who you've shown yourself to be -- a loving boyfriend who's given her no reason to believe he'd ever run some scam on her. Explain that for your relationship to make it, you need to see her working on her issues -- in a therapist's office and/or with a great reason-based self-help book, Dr. Albert Ellis' "A Guide to Rational Living" (because her flip-outs are ultimately caused by her failing to apply reason).
Gently point out that just because she has a feeling -- like jealousy or anxiety -- she doesn't have to act on it. Sure, in the moment, it's easy to go straight to crazytown. Avoiding that takes preplanning. She needs to resolve to instead pull out the evidence -- the spreadsheets of your prior behavior -- and assess the likelihood that what you're "picking up at the store" is actually just milk and not a 5'10" blonde. Give yourself a deadline to see some progress. Not necessarily miraculous change but some indication that she's trying -- and that you might someday be greeted with a kiss and a "How was your day?" instead of a gavel and a "How do you plead?"
Run like the wind!
"Did your woman say, “you’re (so much) different than the guys I used to date.” Or, “I finally got smart and found a good guy.” If so, this is clear evidence that you are her Beta Bucks guy. Maybe she used to date DJs, NFL players, drug dealers, whatever. If these guys are different types of guys than you, do NOT continue the relationship. She has no clue, but she is rationalizing her choice in her mind. You will pay a severe price later, as in cheating, nonstop bitchiness, or sudden divorce. Find a girl that always dated guys like you. She may have swooned for the lead guitarist, but if she didn’t devote her early 20s to chasing him, you’re okay."
http://therationalmale.com/2014/04/08/preventative-medicine-part-iii/#comment-35850
Snoopy at April 21, 2015 5:11 PM
Just pictured myself subtly suggesting to my partner that she might like to try some therapy. Haaaaahahahaha.
laughing at April 21, 2015 5:57 PM
I'm with Snoopy: You are fighting a losing battle, Optimist. Dump her, move to another city, and change your name.
dee nile at April 22, 2015 5:21 AM
This is a little off topic, but I wanted to thank Amy for the book recommendation. We recently discovered that our DD is suffering from anxiety ( it is her first year in high school and she is perfectionist) and we have been working to help her relax and reorder her thinking. This will be helpful. Thanks!
Sheep Mom at April 22, 2015 5:41 AM
I agree. She's trouble. Unless she's willing to do some serious therapy, she will most likely dump you when she realizes you actually are a good guy. In order to break a behavioral pattern, you need to get to the root of it and it can be very uncomfortable.
Laura Hope at April 22, 2015 6:11 AM
Why would you take on a project like this? Why is it your job to mend her?
"But, WhistleDick, you don't understand. I love her!"
So fucking what? It takes a lot more than just love to have a healthy relationship. That jealous, checking-up-on-you thing is as much of a deal breaker as it gets.
There is an old Far Side comic that depicts a husband bear returning to the cave that is being greeted by the wife bear. She has her hands on her hips and her foot tapping as she says, "Late again. You'd better have a good excuse this time!" The husband bear has a big number eight tag on his ear, a hypodermic needle in his ass, and a transmitter around his neck. He has a dumb look on his face and has no idea how to respond. You ever feel like that bear?
Relationships should make you happier than you would otherwise be if you were alone. Otherwise, why not just be alone? What is it that makes you so miserable to be alone that you're willing to put up with that shit in order to avoid it?
Why do you go to such lengths to prove that you're a "caring, ethical guy"? If you are such a guy, you know it. If she doesn't see it, tough for her.
Here another thought. In my experience, those jealous types are busy fucking around on you and what you are seeing is them projecting their behavior onto you.
Don't just break up with this one. Break up with her in a way that will keep her from scratching around your door afterward. Here's how it's done. One night, put it in her ass. After, look at her with disgust and say, "Jesus, I can't believe you allowed me to do that to you. I can't bear to have you in my sight!" That'll break you of your "nice guy" complex. Let the next guy deal with her.
Okay, just kidding about that last part. You're not listening to anything I say anyway. Enjoy the years of misery you're setting up for yourself.
whistleDick at April 22, 2015 6:29 AM
One thing that no one has touched on is we pretty much just have the crazy gfs word that these things happened that way. Odds are no matter how well the lw breaks up with her, he will be the next guy who "cheated" on her, or at least that's how she will remember it.
Joe j at April 22, 2015 7:11 AM
I don't get these people who let their significant other use exes as an excuse for bad behavior. F that. You didn't cheat on her, she doesn't get to treat you like you did.
I'm sure she'll get over her issues eventually, but I wouldn't advise waiting around to try to help her through her bullshit.
ahw at April 22, 2015 7:18 AM
The same thing occurred to me, Joe J. Some women love to play the damaged and wronged role. Good point.
whistleDick at April 22, 2015 7:28 AM
Let's see the checklist:
* Demands to know your whereabouts at all times (controlling): check
* Regards ordinary behavior as a grevious insult (histrionic): check
* Focus on the relationship is all about her (narcisstic): check
* Wild emotions and poor impulse control (borderline): check
Dude, she's a Cluster B. She is not capable of having a healthy adult relationship. You can't fix it, and anyway, she isn't paying you to be her therapist.
Also a clue: Cluster B's make shit up. My Cluster B ex used to have all kinds of stories about how cruelly everyone she interacted with had treated her: parents, siblings, boyfrieds, the whole works. I found out over time that a lot of it was not true.
Cousin Dave at April 22, 2015 8:07 AM
And, if her stories ARE true, she's clearly addicted to sociopaths. Sandra Brown wrote a book just for your g/f (and for you), "Women Who Are Addicted to Psychopaths." You can google the topic, it's interesting stuff. These women are surprisingly not usually Low Self Esteem types, but rather too generous and willing to invest in their relationships-- with anyone.
jefe at April 22, 2015 1:50 PM
The title should have the word "resistance" instead of "resistence".
MIOnline at April 22, 2015 2:11 PM
That projecting is real. Right before the end for me, I had to go to Walmart spur of the moment. Jumped in my car and went 5 miles up the road, went to the service desk, couldn't do the transaction anyway, so I immediately went back outside. And there's my ex circling the parking lot checking up on me. WTF? Nothing like 19 years of fidelity to come flying back in your face like that. I knew what it meant, so I pulled my head outta my butt, and sure enough it was the beginning of me finding out all he was up to.
gooseegg at April 22, 2015 7:24 PM
"My girlfriend has been hurt, cheated on, and even ripped off in past relationships."
Kinda makes you wonder why she even wants to be in another relationship, doesn't it?
I'm just saying, if you got food poisoning every time you ate eggs, one hopes you'd be smart enough to stop eating eggs after a while.
So what is she "getting" out of being in relationships? Does she LIKE being hurt, cheated on, or ripped off? Or has she discovered the joys of victimhood?
Pirate Jo at April 23, 2015 11:08 AM
Pirate Jo
I think it's about enjoying the familiar. Even if the familiar is making you unhappy. If you put someone who is used to being the victim out of that environment they get uncomfortable, reactionary and want what they know best. What is familiar is very powerful, the opposite terrifying or confusing.
It took me a while to stop getting close to and being with bad tempered men tall men. It's what I grew up with.
Ppen at April 23, 2015 2:29 PM
To have so many horrible experiences that you get THAT paranoid suggests, to me either a statistically unlikely string of bad luck, the worst decision making in history, or somebody who has made a self-fulfilling prophesy.
I ignore the first scenario because of such low probability. The second, well, assuming she made a good choice this time, seems unlikely without some other sign of learning on her part. The third... well that seems most likely to me.
Shannon at April 23, 2015 9:32 PM
I will add a fourth thing, Shannon: with some people, it's actually a control contest. They are looking for a social "win", and with that type of partner, they are in effect in a no-lose situation: either they "win" the relationship, achiving dominance over the partner, or else they get to play the victim and convince everyone else to blame everything on the partner, thereby achieving the social "win". They won't look for a relationship with a good and self-confident person because they know they'll be exposed if they do.
Cousin Dave at April 24, 2015 7:49 AM
There are so many healthy minded folks in the dating pool, what is so amazing about this person? So what if she is drop dead gorgeous or great in the sack? If that's all you're about, then quit your sniveling and enjoy the ride. Hopefully you won't reach bunny boiling level before you know when you turn is over.
yolabubbles at April 24, 2015 11:34 AM
@"I'm just saying, if you got food poisoning every time you ate eggs, one hopes you'd be smart enough to stop eating eggs after a while."
Or start buying eggs elsewhere, because billions of other people somehow manage to regularly eat eggs without getting constantly poisoned.
Ppen is right, she probably just chooses the familiar, but to break such patterns, one has to have enough self-awareness to be aware of them, and the ability to rational effect self-change. This is rare and difficult, especially in women (sorry, sounds sexist, but it's true).
I kind of feel sorry for her in that she probably does feel hurt and messed up inside, but I would advise the letter writer to leave this relationship and seek someone healthy minded, for the sake of his own long-term sanity, before doing something stupid like having kids together.
Lobster at April 25, 2015 5:45 AM
Years ago, my husband would appear back home suddenly in the middle of the day, saying stuff like he had forgotten paperwork or something. I, like a foolish trusting wife, didn't know any better. He started arguing, picking fights, making me think I was going crazy. After I found out about his affair, I found out he was coming home because he wanted to see if I was cheating on him. He was projecting what he was doing on me. As evil as he told me I was, I managed to get beyond it, we have survived, and are still together. Now, if he was just a boyfriend, I would have chucked him to the streets, and warned every woman out there about him. I got a good view of the cheating mind, and how devious they can be, making you look like the bad guy.
That guy should very kindly dump this lady, and tell her to go fix herself before she jumps back into another relationship.
And remember the motto: In God we trust, all others we check.
jamie at April 25, 2015 9:40 AM
You can't fix crazy.
You have two choices.
1. Run...
2. Jump on the crazy train.
I would recommend run!!!!
However, there is something to be said for jumping on the crazy train for awhile. The truism that crazy chicks are crazy fun in bed is a truism for a reason.
It is very easy to jump on the crazy train. You just have to accept she cannot have a normal relationship. Give up the nice guy looking for a sweet relationship trip. Get a little distant and start asking for threesomes. Come onto her girlfriends. You will turn on the "I love you" switch in her head.
Take notes about whatever complaints she has about her exes. What you don't realize is that she wants you to do that stuff to her.
She will push you and push you until you leave or do it.
So choose, do it or leave!
David H at April 27, 2015 4:53 PM
I echo all those who say run, but I'm going to give you an additional reason to do so: if you're having sex, there's a possibility she will get pregnant, and THEN you'll be stuck dealing with her crazy ass for at least 20 years. Even if you break up, if you have a child together, you'll have to deal with her
Erica at May 2, 2015 9:47 AM
This guy may very well have a fixer/caretaker complex. And if so, this wouldn't be his first relationship like this, and if she ever did fix herself, he'd lose interest. It's not her he's interested in. How could he be? It's more the sense of self importance and the dream of what she's going to be like once he fixes her up?
LG at May 2, 2015 6:01 PM
Yet ANOTHER superb reply, Amy! Albert Ellis is DEFINITELY the go-to guru for this conundrum!
Gary Eisenberg at May 10, 2015 5:22 AM
dump her. and tell her why. and failing that, tell her she has got to get herself to therapy and things have got to start changing or else you can't live like this. it's not healthy for either of you.
me at May 21, 2015 7:45 PM
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