Wait Management
I was crazy about this guy I started dating, but he got complacent, so I ended it. I started seeing someone else, which led my ex to proclaim that he loves me and wants me back. I recently ended things with the other guy, largely because I still have strong feelings for my ex. My ex swears he'll break up with his current girlfriend but seems in no hurry to do it. How long should I wait in the wings for him?
--Clock-watching
How long should you wait? Well, that depends on whether you're hoping to go on your first date with him in a flying car.
Relationships are "built on trust," not rust -- forming on you while you "wait in the wings" for a guy who's under no pressure to speed up the timetable on having the uncomfortable breakup conversation with his current girlfriend. Another explanation for his dawdling may be the "mere ownership effect," a behavioral economics term describing our tendency to irrationally overvalue and cling to something simply because it's already in our possession. Consumer behavior researcher Sara Loughran Dommer finds that this ownership effect is even stronger when there's an "ego threat" involved, like, oh, when your ex's thoughts of you also bring up thoughts of you dumping him (even if he did deserve it for sleeping on the job).
However, the behavioral science cookie jar has something for you, too -- "reactance," our fear of missing out on an opportunity, the principle behind "Limited-time offer!" To chip away at his current complacency, give him a two-week "grace period" to straighten things out. Allowing him some time suggests that you have strong feelings for him. Making it a limited time suggests that you have strong feelings for yourself (self-respect and, out of that, boundaries). Good things can come to those who wait -- just not so long that the movies playing on date night are Bruce Willis in "Die Hard With a Pacemaker" and Jackie Chan in "Kung Fu From a Walker."
OI! Both of you need to get your heads straight and stop playing f-ing games.
When it's over, IT'S DONE. You can never go back, because the river of time has flowed on, and you are now two other people. Significantly this other guy is the one who you say grew complacent on you or something, and that appears to be a character trait. So MOA! OTOH, he's willing to dump the current girl just for you? What happens when the next girl is EVEN BETTER than you? Don't be stupid.
If you can't be in a relationship with the person you are with, you should go solo for a while while you talk to a counselor or Erma Bombeck about where the grass is always green.
If you don't know who she is, well, lets just say grass needs fertilizer to grow, and you 'dun wanna know what type makes grass greenest... 'cuz it is pretty nasty smelling.
SwissArmyD at April 7, 2015 6:13 PM
A guy dumped me once and I said "OK but don't ever call me again. Nothing personal I'm just too lazy to keep in touch."
He never did....because he wouldn't stop blowing up my phone texting me and freaking out.
People are just like that. It hurts their ego not to be desired by something they once had. They think "Am I really that replaceable?"
Yes. Yes you are.
Ppen at April 7, 2015 8:06 PM
I was crazy about this guy I started dating, but he got complacent,
I bet he got it at placenta.com
JD at April 7, 2015 8:58 PM
What the hell does that even mean? "He got complacent"
Did he sit around the house all day not doing a thing expecting hourly visits from the blow job fairy
Or did he commit the unforgivable sin of (insert some innocuous no one really thinks is a big deal, but a crazy chick goes ape shit on because she cant live without the right level of "excitement")?
lujlp at April 7, 2015 11:20 PM
He doesn't want to date you. He just wants to be assured that you're not dating anyone else. By all means, wait forever. He's a real catch.
whistleDick at April 8, 2015 6:46 AM
Ditto what whistleDick said. Count your blessings, you haven't married him, aren't in a relationship with him, have no kids with him, so it's trivial for you to break it off and go find someone decent who loves you back properly.
Lobster at April 8, 2015 5:38 PM
Let's summarize:
- guy1 got lazy about the relationship,
- you end it & find guy2
- guy1 cries how he wants you back
- guy1 hooks up with gal2 somehow
- you end it with guy2
- guy1 "swears" he'll break it off with gal2
- guy1 gets complacent about cutting gal2 loose
- "How long should I wait for him?"
I'd say wait at least until you both graduate from elementary school...possibly middle school as well.
Wallawallawanda at April 10, 2015 9:09 AM
My sediments exactly ^
yolabubbles at April 11, 2015 11:25 AM
Leave a comment