Malice In Wonderland
My boyfriend has a crazy ex-wife who can't let go. She is the meanest, most vengeful and manipulative person, initially convincing the 15-year-old son she has with my boyfriend that I'm the reason "Dad won't come back." (He actually divorced her after she, in a fit of rage, made a false police report about him.) She also slashed my tires and spread a rumor that my boyfriend is a child molester. I love him dearly, and we feel we're soul mates, but his ex-wife is making it so hard to be happy. What can I do?
--Besieged
Where is the very small, highly targeted zombie apocalypse when you need it?
Don't take this woman's behavior personally. And yes, I'm serious. Assuming what you say about her is true, she seems to be one of those born bar brawlers, ever on the lookout for a reason to break a bottle over someone's head and start the second Hundred Years' War. If she could, she'd not only slash your tires but take a sponge bath in the Fountain of Youth so she could live long enough to slash your great-great-grandchildren's, too.
The problem is, because she isn't acting from anything resembling reason, there's no reasoning with her. As personal security expert Gavin de Becker says about the irrationally persistent in his terrific book "The Gift of Fear," "There is no straight talk for crooked people." So, practically speaking, short of finding a home security company that sends out zombie squads by radio call, all that you, personally, can do is decide whether you find love and soulmatery worth the trade-offs in terror and tire costs. As for what your boyfriend can do, the answer, unfortunately, is "not much more": Install video surveillance; document everything she does; and use the legal system to the extent he can (and the extent that seems prudent).
The following advice -- to use gratitude as a buffer against ugliness -- might sound like it's from the Little Miss Sunshine Solutions Department, but there's actually solid science behind it. Research by social psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky and her colleagues finds that people are meaningfully happier when they take regular stock of the things they have to be grateful for. (A caveat: This happiness-increasing effect was found only for people who did this blessings counting once a week, maybe, the researchers surmise, because doing it more often felt like a chore.)
So consider getting gratitudinal once a week, maybe on Sunday night. You could even write five things down on slips of paper and put them in a "Gratitude Jar" so you have a visual reminder of how good you actually have it when things go bad. This may also help you avoid getting snippy with the irritatingly well-meaning who chirp, "What goes around comes around!" Right. If there is such a thing as karma, it seems to go after the truly heinous offenders first, like all the people who ever dropped a straw wrapper or let out a puff of tail wind in the elevator.
Sound advice and spot on, both from the practical perspective (surveillance systems and noting everything she does), and from the psychic (the gratitude jar).
She might also see if she can get an injunction against this woman. That way, anything captured on surveillance would be compounded with violating a court order.
Patrick at May 19, 2015 5:05 PM
And, unfortunately, always, always be looking over your shoulder. Pay particular attention to pets and children.
Richard A Aubrey at May 20, 2015 4:49 AM
If it's possible, you might want to consider moving away. Physical distance will make it harder for her to vandalize your property, and give you a bit of mental breathing space. Admittedly, often life circumstances make this impractical, but if it's something you can do, think about it. There's no shame in trying to get as far away from crazy as you can.
Cousin Dave at May 20, 2015 7:25 AM
Also, I wouldn't live with or marry boyfriend until the kid is out of his mother's house...
ahw at May 20, 2015 7:29 AM
Oh, and to get a better understanding on what motivates the ex, which will make her actions a bit more predictable to you, read up on "cluster B personality disorders".
Cousin Dave at May 20, 2015 7:32 AM
I'm with ahw on this one, but I'd take it further and recommend ending this relationship. Yes, yes, you're soul-mates and everything, love will win the day, teenage son and psycho baby mama, what could possibly go wrong? It's OK to put self-preservation ahead of a relationship. Life is too short and too crazy as it is to willingly take on a ship-load of new crazy. Get out more and meet more men, odds are the next one won't have quite as much danger. Unless you get turned on by danger, then by all means, go right ahead.
bkmale at May 21, 2015 8:45 AM
Crazy attracts crazy. I doubt this bf is as angelic especially since he had a kid with someone that appears to have borderline personality disorder.
Lots of guys love the attention. It's rare I meet one that attracts such women and doesn't enjoy the ego boost until they eventually get annoyed.
Ppen at May 21, 2015 3:29 PM
huh. i'm surprised you're recommending that "gift of fear" book. i read it. he made some good points - but could have done so much more effectively in a pamphlet. one of the more poorly written books i've ever read. quite self-aggrandizing, as well. when you can read the first and last paragraph in every chapter and still feel like the author's repeating himself, it's not a terrific book.
me at May 21, 2015 7:32 PM
Oh, I found "The Gift of Fear" a compelling read and have recommended it myself. The message is spot-on, great examples that drive the point home. I haven't found a better book yet; if one exists, I'd be glad to know about it.
Re the LW, I would not date a guy like this let alone commit to anything further than just causal dating.
This guy has a lot of baggage he hasn't even packed fully, let alone unpacked.
This divorce is recent, and the loose ends are there for a reason, and that reason is a long marriage and a child that needs his attention FAR more than he needs you as an audience for his drama.
Unfortunately you are cast as Ms. Rebound in this drama.
This relationship will not last no matter how much you would like it to, because you're the fourth person in this drama triangle between him, his ex, and his son.
If you are looking for something emotionally solid, exit now, but kindly as possible, just to make things 'easier for him.'
That this means his ex wife wins is NOT the point. You're the one who wins by not even playing this game.
If you don't mind being Miss Rebound because it's short-term fun for you, then draw boundaries hard and tell him never to talk about his family with you, and VICE-VERSA.
Also suggest he see a counselor, because you won't be there for the long haul, and if you feel the fun's gone, then be ready to say "hi, sorry, I think it's over, we don't want to get too attached do we?"
This guy's problems are his, and he helped make them. Do you really want these kinds of problems just because your life isn't exciting enough without a vindictive ex coming over to slash your tires or worse...
Let's say, finding out Mr. Perfect BF has been cheating on his wife most of their marriage and the wife blames you only because she actually has no idea how many women he's gone through before he met you?
jp at May 23, 2015 8:39 PM
I agree with "me"..The Gift of Fear- which came highly recommended- really could have been a pamphlet. Lots of repetition and not very enlightening, at least for me..
But that could be because I grew up with more dysfunction than the average bear. I have learned that with someone like this ex, refusing to participate is the only way to minimize the effects of the behavior, which will never go away.
My husband has been divorced for 14 years (they were married for seven), yet still she is bitter. I had to convince him of the need to only communicate about the kids and nothing else. It took about two years, but she finally stopped with the crazy requests/texts, etc. Now, she is definitely still bitter, and unfortunately takes it out on her kids (guilt trips for seeing their dad), but we don't have to deal with anywhere near as much drama from her. Now we try to teach the kids how to cope, while never saying a bad thing about her. In a way, i feel bad for her, since I cannot imagine being unable to move on with my life. Not bad enough to reach out, bad enough to be compassionate and distant. Good luck, it really can be worth it if you set up and maintain decent boundaries.
CarminaBurana at May 27, 2015 8:01 AM
Funny, isnt it. Even when a woman is a raging nut bar felonious criminal, its still somehow a guys fault to people like jp
lujlp at May 28, 2015 1:59 PM
I have to agree with bkmale - just end the relationship, it's not worth the craziness.
Erica at May 30, 2015 8:39 AM
a friend decided to cut off all contact with his ex except through a lawyer, and sent her a legal letter to this effect. they have a son together. so he stopped taking phone calls and did not answer to anything except through his lawyer. the first time she sent a letter he sent it to his lawyer who followed his directions in composing a reply which was sent to her lawyer. so this cut down to almost nothing the amount he had to deal/think about her. their son aged out of her home and now they have a great relationship.
mary at July 14, 2015 9:28 AM
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