Eat, Pray You'll Shut Up, Love
I've always been a feelings stuffer, but I've been reading about vulnerability creating intimacy, blah, blah, blah, so I'm trying to be an open book. Though my boyfriend appreciates this, he keeps telling me there's a line between expressiveness and my making everything an emotional issue to be hashed out. He last said this when I confessed that I had Googled his ex-girlfriend and felt threatened by how pretty she is. Should I have kept that to myself?
--Open
If you were any more open, you'd have squatters and roosters.
It's great that you've thrown yourself into the trenches of Self-Improvementville, but the way you connect with someone is by letting them see who you are, not poking them in the eye with it every 20 minutes. Vulnerability shouldn't be a fancy word for "everything you say or do hurts my feelings." This Carnival Of Insecurities presented as problems for your boyfriend to solve turns his life with you into a never-ending emotional chorewheel. (Remember, he's in a relationship with you, not a psychology internship.)
This isn't to say you're wrong to look to your boyfriend for soothing. But before you press a problem on him, ask yourself how it would affect him, whether he can fix it, and whether it's really his business to know. Not all feelings are made for sharing. Some need to go off in a corner and die a quiet death on their own. Still, you aren't without help in ushering them there. (This is what therapists, best friends, and the Journaling-Industrial Complex were invented for.)
People think that keeping romance alive takes a $10,000-a-night Spanish castle package, complete with moonlight carriage rides with an aria-singing Placido Domingo jogging behind. But it's actually the mundane daily stuff that matters -- how you and your partner respond to each other's seemingly unimportant remarks and gestures. It turns out that telling your partner "I can't find the salt shaker anywhere" isn't just an expression about a lost object; it's what marriage researcher John Gottman calls a "bid for connection."
In a study Gottman did with newlyweds, he found that the ones still married six years later were overwhelmingly those who consistently engaged with their partner and met those "bids" with "turn-towards." Turning toward a partner means being responsive -- soothing, encouraging, supportive, or maybe just showing interest. This involves, for example, replying to your partner's remark about the lost salt shaker -- even with "I hate when that happens!" rather than "Lemme finish this 'Minecraft' session" or saying nothing at all (effectively treating them like some old couch you stopped noticing).
This "turning toward" thing is something you and your boyfriend can each do. Think of it as treating each other like you haven't forgotten you love each other. It's smart relationship policy and smart life policy -- wiser than getting in the habit of responding to a partner's "I'm starting a machete collection" with "That's nice, dear."
He last said this when I confessed that I had Googled his ex-girlfriend and felt threatened by how pretty she is. Should I have kept that to myself?
Meaning he has said often enough for there to be a list with numbers.
lujlp at June 2, 2015 11:59 PM
There's a line to be walked between openness and neediness. And what, pray, is he supposed to do about the fact that his ex is pretty? Throw acid in her face?
Interesting about the "turning toward." From early on in our relationship, I made it a practice that when my husband came into my home office, I turned away from the computer and gave him my attention. If I'm burning on a deadline, I'll tell him so, but not until I've let him tell me what's up. Part of why we've been together 25 years, married for 20. :-)
Dana at June 3, 2015 12:10 PM
Yes, that's good advice. An as for the gorgeous ex, remember he's with you, not her, and there's probably a reason for that -- one that you won't find out from looking at a photo.
Cousin Dave at June 3, 2015 2:52 PM
I had a friend who acted in this way with all of her friends and boyfriends. We all fell off one by one, it gets exhausting over time.
yolabubbles at June 3, 2015 3:06 PM
If you're a "feeling stuffer", I'd start by letting yourself actually feel your own feelings.Become more intimate with yourself. Then you will know what's appropriate to share and what isn't.
Laura Hope at June 5, 2015 5:46 AM
@"We all fell off one by one, it gets exhausting over time"
And so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, as she starts to neurotically suspect her friends all leave her.
Lobster at June 9, 2015 1:57 AM
Your friends want to help you and be supportive, but they are dealing with their own stuff, and you ALWAYS having a complex, difficult time is tiring.
MonicaP at June 9, 2015 12:49 PM
You can whine to your girlfriends that he has has an intimacy phobia when he breaks up with you over your neurotic behavior.
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james william at December 5, 2015 4:37 PM
Great article!I love your Quote "I've always been a feelings stuffer, but I've been reading about vulnerability creating intimacy, blah, blah, blah, so I'm trying to be an open book. Though my boyfriend appreciates this, he keeps telling me there's a line between expressiveness and my making everything an emotional issue to be hashed out. He last said this when I confessed that I had Googled his ex-girlfriend and felt threatened by how pretty she is. Should I have kept that to myself?" thank you very much.
Shahidul Alam at March 24, 2016 10:55 AM
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