The File High Club
A year ago, a co-worker I had a crush on made moves on me after hours at work, and we stopped just short of having sex. I saw him as a potential boyfriend, and I emphasized that I was not interested in casual sex. He told me at the time that he had broken up with his girlfriend but two days later said they'd made up. Several times since, when his relationship has been on the rocks, he's suggested we have sex. I told him I want no physical contact with him ever again, and now he rarely speaks to me, despite seeing me daily at work. I considered him a friend, so I'm devastated he took advantage of me and was only interested in cheating. I'm finding it really hard to heal and move on.
--Disturbed
If there's a next logical step after late-night office sexytime, it probably isn't "Now that we're done despoiling the conference table, let's go meet each other's parents!"
Remember dating? People who want relationships -- especially female people who aren't up for anything less -- go on dates before they go on the conference table. This isn't to say women should never have after-hours fun with some guy at work; it's just that if you want a relationship, having sex before he gets emotionally attached is a risky strategy -- one that often leads to just sex. Or just sex whenever his relationship is on the rocks.
Sure, you "emphasized" that you don't want casual sex -- a statement that probably buzzed on papery little wings around the guy's ear before getting squished by his sex drive. Women evolved to be the Missouri of human sexuality -- Missouri's nickname being "the Show-Me State." Women protect themselves by being what evolutionary psychologists Martie Haselton and David Buss call "commitment skeptics" -- holding off having sex while seeking evidence of a man's willingness to invest (beyond an evening of semi-naked fun in a desk chair). As for men, research by psychologists Russell Clark and Elaine Hatfield confirms what most of us have observed numerous times: As long as a woman has a moderate level of attractiveness, a man's likely to want to have sex with her. In other words, while women are the sexual gatekeepers, for men, there is no gate. There isn't even a fence.
Sure, it's disappointing when a man you're picturing in the "future boyfriend" slot just wants to have sex. But feeling insulted about that is like my feeling insulted that my 5-pound dog tries to have sex with my arm -- apparently some sort of odd biological imperative that my arm and I don't take personally.
To move on, turn this into a learning experience so you can protect yourself in the future. This starts with admitting that you got sucked in not because of something this guy did but because you let ego and emotion do the driving while reason was gagged, hogtied, and left for dead in the trunk. Accept that it's your responsibility to vet whether a situation would ultimately work for you instead of leaving the guardianship of your needs to others -- others whose agenda may not match yours. Yes, I'm hinting that many men will tell a woman just about anything to get sex. (Just ask a man whose grandma has died suddenly and tragically...dozens of times.)
I considered him a friend, so I'm devastated he took advantage of me
See, THIS is why I have a hard time taking women seriously these days.
He asked,
she said no,
he respected her no,
nothing happened
And yet, even though nothing happened, even though she said no and he did nothing to her, "she was taken advantage of"
"I'm finding it really hard to heal and move on."
Why? He did exaclty as you asked. Remeber this?
"I told him I want no physical contact with him ever again"
You told him in no uncertain terms to go away. You didnt say 'sex will never happen so lets just be friends'
You said, to a man, who works in your office 'never touch me in any way again'
That has HUGE implication with HR connotations. You made clear, maybe unknowingly, that continued contact could be construed as sexual harassment.
A charge like that would end his employment at your office, and could kill his career entirely
and now he rarely speaks to me, despite seeing me daily at work.
I wouldnt either, after being told "I want no physical contact ever again" I would make sure to never be alone with you anywhere in the office
lujlp at June 30, 2015 7:45 PM
lujlp nails it.
a_random_guy at July 1, 2015 1:16 AM
Yeah, the guy's already got his neck waaaaaay out. He really should not have done what he did in the first place. In today's environment, you simply cannot do anything in the office that even hits of romantic or sexual interest in a woman.
Cousin Dave at July 1, 2015 7:06 AM
"*hints* at romantic..."
Cousin Dave at July 1, 2015 10:01 AM
Ironically, there's an "Ashley Madison" ad in the sidebar.
The Jolly Patriarch at July 1, 2015 2:42 PM
Sheesh, I get ALL my dates through my work. It's how I can vet THEM-- by seeing them over and over.
jefe at July 2, 2015 12:54 PM
Waiting for Rachel Flax to show up and accuse lujlp of hating women.
Ironically, lujlp has it exactly right. And this is why it's a bad idea to date someone you work with. Because if the relationship goes bad (as most of them do), you're still working with someone you might have issues with.
Patrick at July 2, 2015 3:42 PM
Ironically?
Im practically always right.
Its a horrible burden really.
lujlp at July 3, 2015 12:46 AM
Coffee snort at the end there. lol
gooseegg at July 4, 2015 10:36 AM
What lujlp said.
Lobster at July 6, 2015 12:21 AM
I'll amend my statement. I think lujlp's argument would have been better without the whole, "This is why I have trouble taking women seriously these days."
Not all women act like this.
Patrick at July 7, 2015 5:27 AM
"Not all women act like this."
True... the problem is the third-party complaint. You and a woman at the office can have a tryst that is totally voluntary and desired, and that both of you are happy with. But if some other woman in the office finds out about it, she can file a complaint on your partner's behalf, and that complaint will be prosecuted even if your partner refuses to go along with it.
Cousin Dave at July 7, 2015 7:31 AM
Sigh. Maybe it's because I'm old, but this lw and the lw in the previous column both seem ridiculously naive to me. Sometimes we like/love/are attracted to people who don't feel the same way about us - don't most of us learn that before graduating from high school?
Honey, this guy is not boyfriend material, and he is not your friend. The only interest he has in you is someone to bang when he's mad at his main squeeze. This is not a reflection on you - it's a reflection on him. Quite frankly, I think he sounds like a jerk, and you should actually be thankful that you found that out sooner rather than later.
Erica at July 7, 2015 11:00 PM
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