Toad Rash
The guy I've been seeing for a month just told me that he doesn't want a relationship or monogamy. I told him from the start that I was looking for something "real" and wanted to take it slowly. I did sleep with him too quickly -- on the first date. Still, I feel that men don't really respect what you say you're looking for. They get what they want and then leave. How do I keep this from happening in the future?
--Ouch
Nothing like tearing off all your clothes on the first date to say "I want to take it slowly." (Your words said no, but your thighs had a marching band and a banner: "Welcome Home, Big Guy!")
Many women claim to be seeking something "real" -- either because they are or because they don't want it to seem like their exercise program is "the walk of shame." Guys are hip to this, so they nod their heads about the "real"ness-seeking and then nudge the woman to see whether she'll tumble into bed. In other words, your problem was not that the guy didn't "respect" what you said you wanted but that you didn't. (This might be a good time to notice that "blame" is just "lame" wearing a "b" as a hat.)
To avoid another Sexodus, match your behavior to your goals. Research (and common knowledge) finds that having sex pronto is a bad idea for a woman who's looking for something lasting with a guy. This isn't to say sex on the first or second date never leads to more. It's just a risky strategy to sleep with a man before he's emotionally attached to you -- like when your answer to the question "So...how long have you two lovebirds been together?" is "It's actually coming up on two and a half beers!"
The guy I've been seeing for a month just told me that he doesn't want a relationship or monogamy.
I'm guessing he didnt mention it randomly one day
I told him from the start that I was looking for something "real" and wanted to take it slowly.
I did sleep with him too quickly -- on the first date.
Look, I'm all for people doing as they please with their lives, so no judgement on slepping with the guy right away.
But, logically, if you slept with him on day one while taking it slow - I'm curious as to what taking it fast looks like to you
Still, I feel that men don't really respect what you say you're looking for.
You arent respecting what he wants, why should you get higher consideration?
lujlp at June 3, 2015 12:04 AM
@"Still, I feel that men don't really respect what you say you're looking for"
While I agree it's wrong of him, that's kind of how men are wired .. if the opportunity for sex comes up, you can't really expect the guy to not 'conveniently forget' to mention important little facts like that that would kill the mood. So Amy's right, if that's what you want, wait at least long enough to see if the guy's serious. That doesn't mean making it feel like dating from a nunnery, I mean, there's a lot of middle ground here. I'd sleep with a woman on the first date regardless of whether I'm serious about her or not - but, I'd only wait more than a few weeks/months for those I am serious about. So waiting even a few weeks/months should act as a kind of 'filter' to see who is serious and who isn't ... and this isn't just for you .. it give the guy time to figure out how serious he is about you - most guys don't know on the first date either (but most will gladly take sex if the opportunity presents).
Lobster at June 3, 2015 12:29 AM
Some people will say every contradictory possibility under the sun then at a later time say I actually really only meant #24, you should have read my mind and respected that one and ignored the others. Politicians are known for this.
When words and deeds don't match up always trust that the deeds are the truth. Words to live by.
Men respect you when words match actions, and majorly lose respect when they don't.
This is often where men stop respecting women, if she had not said I want to take it slow he would have more respect for her, he might actually listen to what she says from then on. But since she said slow then went fast, he knows to not trust her words.
Joe j at June 3, 2015 6:27 AM
Listen to what you are saying! This sort of thing is maddening to hear and it's all too common. He is doing nothing to disrespect your wishes. He's only communicating what his wishes are.
"I'm looking for something serious."
"I'm not at the moment. You should probably look elsewhere for that. Meanwhile, you wanna fuck?"
"Sure."
What's the trouble? Disrespecting your wishes would be pretending to be interested in a goal of a serious relationship only to take advantage of you sexually.
Disrespecting his wishes would look exactly like what you are doing. That is, disregarding his relationship goals and insisting that if he doesn't share your goals that he is some sort of a cad.
He's been honest with you and communicated the type of relationship he'd like to share with you. If you're not interested in that type of relationship, you're free to move on.
I would suggest you continue to enjoy a nice fun, light relationship while continuing to be on the lookout for someone that has goals that are more in line with your own.
whistleDick at June 3, 2015 7:56 AM
"Still, I feel that men don't really respect what you say you're looking for. They get what they want and then leave. How do I keep this from happening in the future?"
Well, job #1 is doing what you say you're going to do. When you don't, you should not be surprised that your words aren't respected. Respect isn't something you are entitled to; it's something you have to earn. (A lot of people these days don't get that.)
Job #2 is: Eventually you're going to find a man who, when you say "I want to take it slowly", will take you at your word. At that point, you have no right to complain about "not enough attention" when he isn't trying to get into your pants 24/7. So, what are your relationship goals? No, I mean really. What kind of relationship do you want? Do you know? Have you set a goal, or have you just let the winds take you wherever they blow? Don't expect people to respect you if you've demonstrated, by your actions, that you don't respect yourself.
Cousin Dave at June 3, 2015 3:01 PM
Cousin Dave; Eventually you're going to find a man who, when you say "I want to take it slowly", will take you at your word. At that point, you have no right to complain about "not enough attention" when he isn't trying to get into your pants 24/7.
She may not have any right to complain about that but that, of course, doesn't mean she won't do it. She probably will, or she'll complain that he's "boring."
JD at June 6, 2015 3:08 PM
Leave a comment