Dork Matter
I'm just out of a bad relationship and ready to start dating. I recently met a guy I liked at the mall. There was definitely a physical attraction, and we had a lot in common, but not an hour after we met, he sent me a text that said, "Miss you already." That set off red flags for me. Sweet or creepy? I'm on the fence.
--Want To Be Charitable
He's looking forward to watching you sleep -- from the third-floor apartment across the way, with a set of high-powered binoculars.
Then again, it's possible that socially, he's kind of a mouth-breather. Socially clueless guys will sometimes dig around in the "Chicks Love This Stuff" bin, pull out some romantic-sounding line and lay it on a woman, hoping it'll stick. They don't get that prematurely expressed affection can creep women out. Sure, his "Miss you already" -- or one of its cousins, "I loved you before I even knew you!" -- sounds like a sweet sentiment. But using it before real feeling has time to develop can suggest that one's underlying motivation is not "Can't wait to take you to Paris" but maybe "Can't wait to keep you in a crate under my bed."
That's probably where your intuition is taking you. Intuitions -- gut feelings -- are judgments we arrive at without conscious reasoning. But they don't come out of nowhere. Your brain compares input from your current environment with prior situations (from your past and your evolutionary past), looking for patterns that suggest danger is afoot. The thing is, these alerts are often wrong. But that actually isn't a bad thing. Evolutionary psychologists Martie Haselton and David Buss find that we seem to have evolved to make the less costly error -- like your erring on the side of red-flagging a guy because it's less costly for you to end up home alone on a Saturday night than to end up crated or dead.
Should you override your weirdo-dar? It can feel unfair to write somebody off on the basis of one yicky remark. But if you're going to take a risk, it should be an informed risk, meaning that you use information about past behavior (which you're rather short on) to predict the likelihood a situation will go south. You also factor in your ability to deal if it does. Like if he turns stalker, will you be all "Not gonna make it through the armed guards and the moat around my house" or "My neighbors in 4B would cheerfully buzz in Charles Manson"?
On the other side of informed risk is "cross my fingers and hope it turns out okay," which, given the level of information you have, is pretty much where you are now. However, the reality is, sometimes throwing caution to the wind makes sense, like if the guy in question seems to be the last man on earth or your last shot before eternal spinsterhood. If this is the case, it would probably be prudent to pair your high hopes with a bedside Taser, on the off chance Mr. Right turns out to be Mr. Right Outside In Your Bushes.
Creepy. Run.
Lori at July 21, 2015 6:14 PM
Seems to me she could meet him a few more times in safe, public places. If she gets more creepy vibes during those meetings, then run.
Rex Little at July 21, 2015 11:53 PM
Nah, he's just a bit clueless. Met a girl he really likes, and doesn't quite know how to deal with it.
If he seems otherwise nice, meet him a time or two in public places, gather more info, then decide...
a_random_guy at July 22, 2015 2:15 AM
What Rex and Random said. As long as he doesn't know where she lives or works, meeting him in a public place might be alright.
Of course, that's assuming he's such a catch that further evaluation is really needed.
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at July 22, 2015 8:04 AM
Why not sweet AND creepy?
Here's the scenario. As soon as you leave, your guy seeks out his buddy, Mall Lothario. "I just met this LADY! There was kind of a definite THING happening! We have so much in common! God, I'm TERRIBLE at this stuff! Help me out, man."
Lothario: "Sure. Send her something sweet, but you know, just a shade over the line. Chicks dig that. Do it now, before she forgets who you are."
I mean, it's not a dick-pic, LW. Yet. How much of your caution is from the vibe you felt when you were with this guy, and how much from the bad relation you just vacated? I get the feeling that the FTF went well. Pay attention to your creep-detector, sure, but pay some attention to the thing that happened between the two of you in real life, too.
Seriously, every guy has a friend like Lothario - who has instructed us on the exact wrong way to woo "the babes." Maybe your new guy is just a sweet idiot, and the creep detector was reacting to some playa off-stage.
minos at July 22, 2015 8:11 AM
I'm all for giving the guy a second chance. He sounds more inept than dangerous. See him again at someplace crowded a couple more times. But if he starts asking for your address, block his number then go.
Patrick at July 22, 2015 2:15 PM
I'm kind of an anarchist, and would enjoy watching what our society is becoming go up in flames.
So embrace the creep vibe, throw away the kind of man who grew up believing what women said when they said they wanted nice and sweet.
Fuck that meth head bad boy, have his kid grow up in a single parent household, told by his mother how to be the kind of guy a woman needs, so that one day some woman who is too shallow to know what she really wants (if it isnt placed at her feet wrapped in a perfect shiny bow, and even then isnt happy) can call him creepy and repeat the cycle
lujlp at July 22, 2015 4:45 PM
What if he is genuinely creepy? I say that Lori is right and LW should listen to her instincts.
That "text within the hour" thing does sound like something culled from one of those "30 qualities of the ideal boyfriend" things that some females just can't help but post on the internet. But those lists are just daydreams, and no male in his right mind should use them as a how-to guide. Every boy should have this explained to him as soon as he shows an interest in girls: the whole "send me flowers everyday" nonsense is just a romantic fantasy that no real woman actually wants. And the guys who actually do it are seen as either desperate or creepy for a reason.
L. Beau Macaroni at July 22, 2015 6:23 PM
If a guy contacts a girl too soon after meeting her, it's "creepy". On the other hand, if he doesn't call the next day it upsets her too.
Guys can't win for losing.
~The Jolly Patriarch
T. J. Patriarch at July 22, 2015 6:25 PM
Um...that's it?
This isn't rocket science. Just go out with the dude.
You're probably right it ain't gonna work out. But even if he wasn't "creepy" it probably wouldn't have worked out anyways.
What' a little wasted time?
Oh and get yourself a google number if you're so afraid of socially inept men.
Ppen at July 23, 2015 12:04 AM
If you had good chemistry in person, I'd say see him in person again. That should give you enough time to make a judgment call.
Also curious about the ages involved here. Met at the mall. Socially inept text. I'm thinking pretty young.
sofar at July 23, 2015 1:50 PM
I've been seeing the derogatory term "going Alkon" all over the net lately.
moi at July 23, 2015 4:44 PM
Subconcious mental processing is vaulable, and it sometimes leads to important insights. But it's not always right; if it was, then ghosts, vampires, and monsters under the bed would all exist. Since you felt an attraction initially, why not give it a shot? But make the first date something self-limiting, e.g., a lunch date. Even if the guy turns out to not be a creep, you may decide you just don't like him that much.
Cousin Dave at July 24, 2015 11:15 AM
Dear Jolly Patriarch - or a guy could try using a bit of common sense, wait a day to call or text, and then say something normal like, "Hey, would you like to meet for coffee?" rather than the ridiculous "Miss you already" which is gonna set off either the creep-meter or the bullshit detector, or maybe both.
Erica at July 24, 2015 11:38 AM
Amy, I'm an avid long time reader so I hope this comes across constuctive instead of trollish: I'm not seeing the advice in this column. The LR asked if it is creepy or not, and you basically said "maybe".
Treadwell at July 24, 2015 2:32 PM
LW, trust your gut. I didn't, and ended up miserable until I finally had to get the cops to throw the guy out of my house.
Send him a nice, simple it's been nice chatting with you but I've met someone text, then block him.
Kat at July 24, 2015 6:00 PM
Treadwell Amy, I'm an avid long time reader so I hope this comes across constuctive instead of trollish: I'm not seeing the advice in this column. The LR asked if it is creepy or not, and you basically said "maybe".
Don't worry. It doesn't come as trollish. Just ignorant. I don't know what you think the LR is, but the LW asked, as you say, creepy or not.
Based on a single texted comment, how is anyone supposed to know that? Yes, it's possible he's a freak. And it's also possible that he's socially inept. Amy presented to these two possibilities quite well.
What I got from this, following an interesting explanation of how intuition works, is that she needs to factor in her ability to take care of herself if he does turn out to be a creep and proceed if she wants to, with caution.
She also described the comment as "yicky," so I guess that should answer the question of "creepy or not?" But is it because he's plotting to keep her dismembered remains in a pickle barrel, or is it because he's just a social blunderer? Can't possibly know that based on one texted remark. Insufficient data.
She might also use their previous wonderful conversation to evaluate his most likely intent. If there were no moments of humor in which he demonstrated a laugh that sounded eerily like Peter Lorre's, I'm voting, "Probably safe. Proceed with caution."
Patrick at July 25, 2015 4:19 AM
or a guy could try using a bit of common sense, wait a day to call or text, and then say something normal like, "Hey, would you like to meet for coffee?" rather than the ridiculous "Miss you already" which is gonna set off either the creep-meter or the bullshit detector, or maybe both. - Erica
Common sense? After 40 years of men being told their common sense was sexist and oppressive and the last this women want and by the way guys here is a handy script for what women do want.
See Erica, the problem is women dont know what they want.
Many SAY they want one thing, so guys try to give them that only to be told its clingy, or creepy, and then they go after the guy who treats them like crap and then bitch about being treated like crap.
Now dont get me wrong men arent any better at knowing what they really want. The only difference is society spends its time telling guys things like "life sucks" and "you cant always get what you want" and "take responsibility for your actions"
Messages very few women are told.
Women say they want a nice, attentive, sweet, romantic guy who texts back right away - or havent you seen all the advice columns bitching about how men take to long to call/text, and 'why do they play that game'
This guy did exactly what hundreds of women have said they want done.
Maybe women instead of saying they want x only to think it creepy should stop saying they want x and start telling guys strait up what they really want
lujlp at July 26, 2015 1:55 AM
No matter how we try to sweet-talk women, they'll find a way to be offended.
jefe at July 26, 2015 5:53 PM
lujlp-- What confuses men is when women say they 'like' certain stuff from men, but what they REALLY mean is, they like that stuff from the man they're ALREADY attracted to. ATTRACTION is the big qualifier, it enables everything else.
Now, in LW's case, she mentions there was actual physical attraction, so her cringe-response at his text tells us one thing: she's being INSECURE.
This one is already going to end badly.
jefe at July 27, 2015 5:41 PM
Jefe, the other thing that confuses men is some women like stuff that other women hate and we don't have a giant hive mind, so what works on one wont work on everyone
NicoleK at July 27, 2015 5:51 PM
Nah, he is probably just socially awkward. Or, he might already know that she is the "one". My dad knew on the first date with my mom. He asked her to marry him on the third date. She told him to wait a year and ask again. He did. When he died, they had been married 4 months shy of 60 years.
Pam at July 27, 2015 7:25 PM
What a_random_guy and lujlp said. Just give the guy a chance with a date in a public place and see how it goes - how simple is that? You could be passing up a great guy.
He was probably just texting what he felt at that moment .. nothing more, nothing less .. and probably wasn't aware that he was committing a cultural faux pas. It just means he also likes you, and sensed that it was mutual. That's all. That's a good thing, hello.
While I get that sometimes your instincts are tipping you off to something, the fact is that calling someone 'creepy' has gone beyond 'listening to one's instincts' and in 99% of cases is now just a cultural thing .. a sort of knee-jerk reaction to anything perceived as vaguely 'low-status-ish' .. and, to anything foundational of a decent relationship, like you know, hitting it off with someone you meet and experiencing a sense of mutual connection and attraction - oh gawd no, rather drop him, go date the emotionally wrecked bad boy who doesn't send any sweet messages.
Lobster at August 5, 2015 4:45 AM
If I met a guy and had crazy chemistry with him, I'd be thrilled he sent that text. That's like 5% of guys though. That she didn't feel that level of chemistry and he didn't pick up on it is unattractive imo. He could just be really needy.
Mary at August 7, 2015 2:24 PM
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