Tinder Mercies
I'm a successful lawyer in my late 40s doing online dating. I'm active in the Republican Party and philanthropic causes, so I often go to benefit dinners, for which I typically buy two tickets in advance. I've asked two women I met online to come to these as a first date, but both canceled by text at the last minute. (The dinner yesterday was $1,000 a plate and for a political cause that means a lot to me.) Maybe I'm just attracting rude women, but I'm beginning to wonder whether I'm doing something wrong.
--Empty Chairs
You can learn a lot about a woman on the first date -- like that she still hasn't worked out her drinking problem and that she doesn't always like to wear panties. Ideally, you find these things out while seated across from her at Starbucks, and not after she climbs on the table at a benefit and starts doing some sort of fertility dance with the centerpiece.
Sure, it seems convenient when your need for a plus-one coincides with your desire to go on a first date with some online hottie. But you're better off coming up with a list of attractive female friends you can take or even male friends who share your politics or just enjoy free meals enough to not challenge your tablemates to a duel over theirs. Not taking a woman you barely know is also an important business safeguard -- so that when some conservative client of yours turns to your date and asks "So how do you two know each other?" he won't hear something like, "We met in the 'Republicans Who Like Hot Wax Play' chat room on Christian Mingle."
Table talk at these events follows a lot of unspoken rules; internal politics within whatever-the-cause-is. For an outsider who doesn't know the group, this can be challenging. When she doesn't even know her partner yet (first date!), this hugely intimidating.
It's also possible that the high price is a problem. That makes it look like he will be expecting sex afterwards, i.e., he thinks he's hiring an escort, not going on a date. He probably doesn't mean that, but I can imagine some women would see it that way.
a_random_guy at July 29, 2015 12:26 AM
Women on online dating sites bail on first dates all the time. Why? I don't know. It's rude as hell. That is a bit of a strange first date, though.
whistleDick at July 29, 2015 5:33 AM
Yeah, I wouldn't try to take someone I didn't know to a political event. You need someone whose politics and behavior you know. That kind of stuff is fun to me, personally, but a lot of people find it either overwhelming or boring. Plus, you don't want someone tagging along that decides that she's going to berate the event's honoree for his stance on abortion, or go off on the evils of the Koch brothers at the dinner table, or whatever.
ahw at July 29, 2015 7:12 AM
Agree with a lot of the above... unless you know for sure that your date shares your political sympathies, a political event is a poor choice for a first date. Most people are leery of people who seem to put their politics front and center in their lives. They feel like your interest in them is trying to recruit or convert them, rather than a romantic interest.
Cousin Dave at July 29, 2015 8:08 AM
I get roughed up when I mention dating gurus, but seriously-- they have whole lesson plans to avoid last-minute date blowoffs. Google "Flake prevention"... The first thing is to establish some basic respect-- where she knows bad behaviour won't fly for you. If she flakes, she should be able to plan the next meetup.
It's ironic how many women EXPECT a man to set up high-ticket dates, but when we actually offer such, this is what we get for it. Hrmph!
jefe at July 29, 2015 5:00 PM
Agree with above comments, but thought I might add the following: At a big event, like a thousand-dollar-a-plate political dinner, you're kind of putting your date on display, even if you don't mean to. Sure, people will notice you're there, ready to spend some cash and eat bad food in the name of the cause; that's why you came. But they're going to pay attention to who you're with, too, and that sounds like an awful lot to ask of somebody you're just trying to get to know.
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at July 30, 2015 7:35 AM
A good first date is something casual and low-pressure like coffee, or dinner someplace casual. If you want to be chichi, go to a fancy coffee shop or chocolaterie or something, where you get to feel swank and upscale but don't end up shelling more than $20 or so.
When you throw too much money at a stranger it comes across as desperate.
If you're trying to project a sophisticated, cultured image, a high-end coffee shop will do that.
NicoleK at July 30, 2015 10:48 AM
Jesus, this guy is practically begging for a disastrous first date. He's willing to take someone he's never met to a super pricy dinner in a field he's active in? Is he crazy? This is a good way to end up with the first date who drinks herself into a blackout or cries at the table (both of these have happened to me...but it's less embarrassing when it's the corner dive or a Starbucks than 1K a plate event with people I'm going to see again!).
Cmdr at July 30, 2015 1:50 PM
Wow, you have had some weird first dates! Mine were all pretty normal.
NicoleK at July 30, 2015 2:01 PM
Anyone - male or female - who spends a grand on a first date (outside of Zimbabwe) is doing something very wrong and is asking for trouble.
To quote the Cyndi Lauper song, "money changes everything." In this case, it raises the stakes too high too fast. Slow down, Hopalong.
Wallawallawanda at July 31, 2015 7:29 AM
Hey, LW, what did you THINK would happen?
You're spending A THOUSAND DOLLARS on a dinner plate - which is not warm and cuddly, or is even aware there are other plates in the room.
You spend a tenth of that on your date, and ask her to attend a political function, too?
Go home and ask your cat what you've done wrong. I'm sure she'll tell you.
Radwaste at August 1, 2015 10:11 PM
Back to PUA lessons: there's such a thing as CALIBRATION, which LW is failing to do: Don't overpower a woman with your sense-of-self and high social value. If men only had a clue how poor most women's self esteem really is, it would turn the dating world on its head. Start low key, and go from there!
jefe at August 3, 2015 11:39 AM
@"I'm beginning to wonder whether I'm doing something wrong."
First dates should have relatively minimal 'investment' .. the purpose of first dates is only to see whether it's worth doing 2nd and 3rd dates, and so you can filter out the rude women. First get to know someone, so you can see they're basically decent, then invite them to these benefit dinners.
Those women probably didn't give a second thought to the cost. LW seems to be assuming most women are basically decent - reality is many are rude.
Lobster at August 5, 2015 3:41 AM
Wow. I'm sure you're sincere, LW, but this has so many levels of wrongness to it. Is it so hard to spot that you are inviting people on a first date to an environment where they will be surrounded by people they don't know, judged for their political beliefs, and quite possibly assumed to be an escort? That's a confronting position to put someone in when you're supposed to be getting to know them. I'm not surprised you get turn downs. This is not like inviting the new partner to the law firm's skybox.
Ltw at August 7, 2015 9:28 PM
I'm trying to get an internet first date with a cute lady right now... I hate interview dates over coffee, so I'm trying to interest her in a classic movie night onboard a WW-2 cargo ship kept nearby as a floating museum. It's cheap, too! Even that's a little too high-end for her, from what I can tell.
jefe at August 9, 2015 5:48 PM
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