To Boldly No Where No No Has Gone Before
I've started seeing this wonderful guy. There's no official commitment yet, but I have no interest in anyone else, including the two guys I was casually seeing from time to time. When they text me to try to hook up, I won't respond or I'll say I'm busy, but they don't seem to be getting the message. Admittedly, in the past, I've said "no more" and then caved when I've gotten lonely or had a few glasses of wine. Also, how do you say "beat it" without being mean?
--Go Away Already!
There's little that tempers a man's enthusiasm for a late-night shag like responding to his "want 2 hook up?" by texting back, "YES! i'm ovulating & dying 2 have a baby!"
But it shouldn't have to come to this -- that is, if you start by actually saying no instead of starting a game of "Guess why I'm not returning your texts!" An ambiguous no -- not responding or saying "I'm busy" -- is not a no. This is especially true of your ambiguous no, which, in the past, has translated to, "I'm not drunk/lonely enough. Try me later." Because of this, you may need to repeat even a firm "I'm no longer interested" a few times for these guys to get that you aren't just confused about what you want or playing hard to get. But in general, the unevasive no eliminates the need to make your point repeatedly, in turn curbing the likelihood of your getting mean on the phone (or worse, hiding under the bed when you hear the ladder being leaned against your upstairs window).
Assuming these guys haven't become total jerks about hassling you, and it doesn't sound from the brief letter as though they have, they were once people you liked, at least a bit, or at least when lonely and stuff. So what's wrong with "Hey, I've actually met someone I'm getting pretty serious with, and not dating around anymore. Thanks for all the fun times, and maybe we'll see you out and about some time."
I'm not saying that'll stop them if they're really persistent or if you've used this as a fake excuse before, but it has the advantage of being true. And the "we" rather than "I" is a gentle underscoring. Then, if they don't get the message, the reply to the next couple of messages is, "Actually, Jim and I have plans, but hope you have a fun night." If it continues, that's genuinely disrespectful to you and Jim and you can go to, "Cut it out, Bob, both Jim and I are starting to get creeped out by you apparently trying to make me cheat on him. Blocking your number."
This is the "nice" version, which I know lots of women feel they need to do, and it's a hard habit to break. The more efficient version goes from message 1 to message 3 in one step. With no caving. Delete all of his contact info and even if you and Jim break up, find another fish in that big ol' dating sea. This one kinda stinks if he can't respect you.
Anathema at July 8, 2015 7:22 AM
I know that the polite approach has worked on me - I wished her well and moved on. I have no ownership stake in someone I'm seeing casually, and we knew it wasn't going to be permanent. Why would I be bent out of shape when she finds someone who's got long-term possibilities?
Rock Star at July 9, 2015 12:28 PM
To clarify - I have no ownership stake in someone I'm seeing seriously, either. I just re-read that and it sounded bad.
Anathema nails it: "Hey, I've actually met someone I'm getting pretty serious with, and not dating around anymore." My friend added, "I want to give this a real chance, and I don't want to do anything that might de-rail it early on. I hope you understand." I totally understand, and I've watched her relationship progress nicely. I hope it works out for her!
Rock Star at July 9, 2015 12:32 PM
Just send that. Then block their number so you don't get anymore calls/texts from them. Problem solved.
Mike Hunter at July 14, 2015 11:26 AM
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