Fifty Shades Of Nay
I'm an in-shape, intelligent, funny 35-year-old guy with a good job. I went on a date with a beautiful woman. We had a terrific time -- wonderful conversation over a nice dinner. When I asked her out again, she said she thinks I am a "super-nice guy" but she just wasn't feeling the "chemistry." Well, it was only one date. Can chemistry grow? I'd like to see her again. I'm convinced I could sweep her off her feet if given the chance.
--Ambitious
You didn't get the job. Picketing the office isn't going to change that.
Not feeling the "chemistry" is polite code for "I'm not physically attracted to you" (or, in really dire cases, "I'd chew through rope to avoid having sex with you"). Unfortunately, there's no sweeping a woman off her lack of chemistry with you, though you might sweep a lesser woman off her integrity by inviting her out for a slew of free dinners. Over time, you might even charm the woman into loving you -- kind of like she loves her grandma. But keep in mind that biological anthropologist Helen Fisher and other researchers find that physical attraction comes out of a person's look, smell, and manner. In other words, persisting when a woman lets you know she isn't attracted to you is ultimately a big ol' losing proposition. (You can try harder, but you can't, say, try taller.)
If she had said nice guy, he might have a shot, a long shot, like trying to hit a target three miles away with a .22 shot, but a shot none the less.
But "super"? Was she eighteen or nineteen? Cause if not being called super-nice by anyone NOT a teenager, hell, I dont think there is even a cruel male brushing off a female equivalent, let alone a kind one.
A woman being called a fat troll to her face has a better shot of scoring with the guy who called her that than a guy being called super nice has.
lujlp at September 15, 2015 5:53 PM
There are probably reasons she might not even be able to articulate that the rest of humanity would call ridiculous. They are still valid. The result is still "no." Life is unfair.
On the bright side, you're still alive, and there are other beautiful women left in the world. Move on.
MarkD at September 16, 2015 5:49 AM
A woman being called a fat troll to her face has a better shot of scoring with the guy who called her that than a guy being called super nice has.
This is so incredibly true. I want to print it out and hang flyers around my neighborhood.
And Amy, thanks for answering this question. You have done men and women both a service. Women think that saying, "We don't have chemistry" is a polite but firm and clear "no." And it does mean "no." But there seems to be a disconnect, as a lot of men (in my and my friends' experience) don't interpret it that way. They see it as a challenge to try again -- or to try to reason with the woman that mutual chemistry isn't "that" important. Oh, the text conversations I've seen ...
sofar at September 16, 2015 7:44 AM
Read "Ladder Theory". It says that 50% of what makes a man in a woman's mind is a combination of Money+Power (they tend to go together). Since most of us will never be wealthy and powerful, we can build on the next ingredient: 40% is ATTRACTION. Learn how to build a woman's attraction feelings, and don't worry about the last 10%: All those things women SAY they want in a perfect man, but really is just optional cr@p. A man can have a monopoly on that 10% cr@p, but without the attraction, he's just another Nice Guy. If the attraction is strong enough, most women will forego all that cr@p they said was SO important.
The dating gurus tell us repeatedly how women will [figuratively] try on a man's name, have sex and kids with him in the first five minutes of meeting.
In other words, that's all the time she'll take to decide if there's attraction chemistry. Many women only need, say, five SECONDS.
It does a lot to explain why so many women make such abysmal choices in men-- and then cannot back away and admit what losers they chose.
Me, I have often taken weeks and months to develop attraction feelings for a woman. It hasn't improved how things turned out, though!
jefe at September 16, 2015 4:29 PM
Chemistry is vital. I want to point out that a lack of chemistry can be about not liking the appearance, mannerisms, or smells but it can be deeper and more animalistic. I recently saw a guy who is powerful, attractive and well groomed but I felt - well nothing. He was nice and polite too. There was nothing wrong with him that I could see.
My counselor would say that is the problem. I don't feel comfortable when people are nice to me. I grew up with tension and hostility so when it's not there I feel bored.
After we met I said that I didn't think we had chemistry but he disagreed and we went out again. I suppose that I pretended there was chemistry, hoping that it would kick it - but nada. I suppose that he agreed because I have heard nothing.
Listen to your gut - it knows best.
Jen at September 19, 2015 6:34 AM
I believe chemistry can grow. But this woman, for whatever reason, wasn't willing to see if it would. So either she's one of those types that needs fireworks right away and throws away a lot of potentially good people, or there just wasn't even a spark to go on. In either case though, this is a girl he barely knows. And why is a girl who doesn't seem willing to make an effort, for whatever reason, worth HIS effort? Is it HER he really wants, or is it relief from whatever painful feelings were stirred up by the rejection? Did he really have a great time with a girl who just wasn't feeling it? My experience is you don't have such a great time if the other person isn't into it. Unless they're a tease. And then, once again, who wants them anyways. That teasing(hot/cold) won't stop if/when you're in a relationship with them.
LG at September 19, 2015 10:59 AM
Amy: Not feeling the "chemistry" is polite code for "I'm not physically attracted to you"
Jen: I want to point out that a lack of chemistry can be about not liking the appearance, mannerisms, or smells but it can be deeper and more animalistic. I recently saw a guy who is powerful, attractive and well groomed but I felt - well nothing.
Jen, the situation you describe -- finding a person attractive but still not feeling any chemistry -- certainly can and does happen but in most cases when someone says "I don't feel any chemistry" to another person, I agree with Amy's take on what it means. I've certainly used "no chemistry" as code. Whenever I haven't been attracted to a woman, I've seen no reason to explicitly tell her that. It may be honest but I feel it's also unnecessarily hurtful.
For me, the kind of situation you mentioned would be if I met a woman I found attractive and sexy but we had very different senses of humor. That lack of "humor chemistry" wouldn't keep me from wanting to get naked with her, but I wouldn't want a long-term relationship with her.
JD at September 19, 2015 2:07 PM
Can chemistry grow? I'd like to see her again. I'm convinced I could sweep her off her feet if given the chance.
I can attest that one can grow to find someone attractive. Seven years ago I met a woman on a blind date. She certainly wasn't homely but I wasn't that attracted to her. I if had decided right then and there whether to see her again or not, I would've chosen not to. But we spent an hour or so wandering around Seattle's annual Hempfest and I discovered she had a dry and irreverent sense of humor (which I love) so, when it came time to part, I told her I'd like to see her again. By about our fourth date, she began to look very attractive to me, and I was really falling for her (besides our sense of humor, we had a lot of other things in common.)
However, I think there has to be a certain "base level" of attraction to begin with. As I mentioned, I didn't find her homely. If I had found her profoundly unattractive, I wouldn't have grown to find her attractive because I wouldn't have asked her out for a second date.
The irony here is that I think she felt the same way about me at first, and agreed to go on a second date because she enjoyed my sense of humor and company. But, in this case, she was the one who didn't/couldn't grow to find me attractive.
So this woman you like could end up being like me in that situation. But it's more likely she'd end up being like that woman I fell for: her lack of attraction to you wouldn't change.
JD at September 19, 2015 2:25 PM
@"I believe chemistry can grow. But this woman, for whatever reason, wasn't willing to see if it would. So either she's one of those types that needs fireworks right away and throws away a lot of potentially good people, or there just wasn't even a spark to go on"
^ This .. I also believe chemistry can 'grow', BUT only if the both have the right-minded attitude to make it grow. Stay away from this woman, don't waste another minute on her .. the last thing you want is to end up in a long-term relationship or marriage with someone who isn't attracted to you. (And even if there was some chemistry, there are some other red flags here that suggest she isn't good long-term-relationship material.)
Lobster at September 21, 2015 6:05 PM
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