Grope Springs Eternal
I've always been a sexual free spirit, but I'd like to get serious with this guy I've been dating. Is it ever good to tell a guy about other guys you've slept with recently or who are still nosing around? I think it might make a guy feel you're desirable and commit, but my guy friends say it's really off-putting.
--Just Wondering
For a woman, finding somebody to have sex with is about as hard as finding an Indian guy running a 7-Eleven. Yay, huh? Uh...except for how harshly women get judged for being "sexual free spirits." This comes out of what anthropologists call "paternity uncertainty" -- the fear men evolved to have that they'll be bringing home the bison to feed a kid who'll be passing on the genes of Mr. Monobrow in the next lean-to. So men take issue with women who get around, whereas for men, there's no such thing as "stud shaming." In other words, never tell who or how many. And by the way, some guys claim they'll be okay with knowing -- just before they start keeping you up all night with questions like "Was it recent?" "Was there overlap?" and "Was this BEFORE you got Lasik?" The reality is, a boyfriend will want to believe that your body is a temple -- and not the sort that's been an international tourist hot spot with a eunuch outside operating one of those little clickers.
LW, put this on hold until after the election. Your husband could do this for the reasons stated above, but having been Secretary of State doesn't mean you're a guy now.
Radwaste at November 10, 2015 7:06 PM
It's obnoxious to talk about your other recent conquests (unless that's a turn-on for both parties).
Bragging is a turn-off to most decent people. Also, to paraphrase Judith Martin, people are WAY more impressed when they find out alluring things about you WITHOUT your help. If you really get around as much as you say you do, he'll find out on his own. Or one of your friends will let it slip.
It's the difference between telling someone, "HEY I HAVE OPTIONS, YOU KNOW!" And them realizing on their own, "Damn...she has options."
sofar at November 10, 2015 7:45 PM
Paternity uncertainty may certainly play a role, but there is a more conventional reason not to divulge this sort of information - it's a sign that you are unstable and untrustworthy.
I haven't been alive throughout the history of human evolution, but I've been around long enough to notice that every-single-woman I've met who has made a point of telling me about their sexual free-spiritedness has also had traits that make them unsuitable for a relationship. They've inevitably been some combination of highly neurotic, manipulative, morbidly self absorbed, dishonest, and generally untrustworthy (e.g. cheaters).
Maybe that's just my bad luck, but any longer I take it as a big red flag.
Also they don't age well. Maybe it's that promiscuity is associated w/ high T-levels, whatever the cause, they start looking like men once they get into their 30's.
pcard at November 10, 2015 9:57 PM
Tell her to "tell all" so the guy has a chance to run away ASAP.
(He may know this stuff already and figures he's up next.)
Bob in Texas at November 11, 2015 4:49 AM
Well, LW, how would you feel about it if the guy you're trying to date let you know that he slept with three other people who are at this bar right now in the last two months, and that Kaitlyn from the bookstore invited him over to "watch movies" last night? And, what would you suspect is his motivation in telling you these things?
ahw at November 11, 2015 12:08 PM
Pcard, I cannot gainsay your personal experience, and having dated exactly zero women in my life, I can't speak to others. However, I am a woman who, from 16 to 31, was aggressively promiscuous. I didn't have to tell my now-husband this; he was engaged when we met so we knew one another for a couple of years before we got together. He knew I'd been with a couple of the other men in the group we hung out with.
He and the fiancee broke up, coincidentally because she decided she didn't want to have sex with him. He was clear when I asked him over to watch a video that that was not going to be the whole of the evening's entertainment.
We have been together 26 years now, married for over 20. We have never yelled at one another -- a little short is about as bad as it has ever gotten. We both feel seen and heard and valued for who we really are. We each trust the other implicitly. We are kind, generous, and helpful to one another, and we each live in the knowledge that someone has our back.
Despite my history, I have never even considered cheating on him. I would confidently bet next month's mortgage that he has never cheated on me. We're definitely middle aged, but we still find one another attractive, and the sex is still good.
I have been tested, and indeed do have high T levels. As for my looking mannish, I still have the D-cup chest I've always had, and thanks to a longtime interest in nutrition and exercise, I still have a waist. I dress attractively, wear my hair shoulder-length, wear makeup, jewelry, cute shoes. I have some of the bad-ass attitude I've always had, but I'm damned sure "mannish" is not the way most people would describe my look.
All of this, and my husband has had 26 years with a woman who doesn't have to be cajoled into giving him a blow job.
Dana at November 11, 2015 3:27 PM
I will add: Before my husband, I had three relationships that lasted more than a few weeks -- they lasted 18 months to 2 1/2 years. All three of them ended because I broke them up; no man who dated me for more than about three weeks ever dumped me. Two of those three men have approached me since, one 15 years after we broke up, one 20. (The other was a foreign national and went home when he realized I really meant it.) Being happily married, I was uninterested.
But apparently men haven't found me particularly mannish or unstable. And, FTR, I have never cheated on a man who had reason to expect me to be monogamous.
Dana at November 11, 2015 3:33 PM
Dana if you've faithfully maintained a harmonious 20yr marriage, you're definitely not the type of woman I'm referring to.
It's not the matter of having a healthy sex drive, it's when someone characterizes themselves by that fact, and makes a point of telling you about their past and current sex partners without being solicited. That's what I regard as a red flag.
pcard at November 11, 2015 8:49 PM
As a general rule, I'm sure you're right. But I prefer my women slutty. Faithful, yes, but slutty when single. I know perfectly well that my fiance slept around before she met me and that's one of the reasons she's a very good lay.
Jesper at November 12, 2015 4:57 AM
Women hate slut shaming. It is unfair. And yet it is (saving a few gentlemen) real as a male concern.
He might not leave her over this revelation, particularly if his self identity is tied to being a 'modern' man. However, in the back of his mind, he will at the very least she is rubbing his face in her 'options', and could see this as 'someone whose head is easily turned.'
This sounds like a modern version of 'trying to make him jealous so he steps up' ploy. And while it may work, there is ALWAYS a sense of resentment in the gentleman in question.
I can easily see him already knowing exactly how 'free spirited' she is (or is rumored to be) and that is putting some serious brakes on where she wants to be.
The more important conversation she needs to have is exactly how exclusive Ms. 'Free Spirit' wants to be. He needs to know if he is going to be her exclusive BF or he is just the next number at the deli counter, or a Fall wardrobe fad.
FIDO at November 12, 2015 5:30 AM
Jesper, my husband says that far from being intimidated by my sexual history, he just figured that if I'd had so much experience and fallen for him it must mean he was damned good.
And Pcard, being a Bad Girl was, indeed, part of my self-concept. Indeed, I still claim the title Bad Girl Emeritus. Emerita. Whatever.
Dana at November 12, 2015 9:49 AM
FIDO, you have something to back up your claim that there is"ALWAYS a sense of resentment in the gentleman in question?" Because I saw, and see, none in my husband. Indeed, when we got together he was wary of any kind of commitment -- he was 24, just out of a 2 1/2 year relationship that had ended badly, and was not ready for anything serious. That history and his youth were the reasons that for the first 18 months we had a "non-exclusivity pact." That I was a grown up whose whole world was not going to fall apart if we didn't work out was, I think, very appealing and reassuring to him.
Dana at November 12, 2015 12:26 PM
Dana,
Strange. You have four out of 12 posts. You seem to have something to prove.
If I am being blatantly manipulated by someone, i.e. being made to feel jealous, why, I am SURE to resent it. Trolling out one's options of 'hey...if you don't step up to the plate, Mister, you are easily replaceable' is a form of ultimatum. Do you like ultimatums?
Whether it is Laura Ingalls who goes 'courting' with some other swain to make her first choice jealous or this fine young lady, who seems to have a list of the names, positions and offers she got just last week, the point is the same: She wants to bend a guy to her will relationshipwise.
Or perhaps you mistakenly read this to mean that I said men resent being with an 'experienced' girl. This is about JEALOUSY and trying to manipulate emotions.
But to what you seem to be asserting. If a guy does not want a Bad Girl Emeritus, guess what? Stridently asserting that it is perfectly okay to be a Bad Girl Emeritus is not going to change his mind any more than asserting that fat is just as good as skinny is going to change who someone is attracted to.
So you go on being your bad self. Since I have a doubt about exactly how secret this woman's past is (hard to have a secret when you have so many people in on it...)it is possible that her current target is put off by her bad girl status. And if Ms. Alkon, a great number of guys I've conversed with on internet forums, polling and research by psychologists is to be believed, men are NOT generally particularly interested in knowing that their new GF has a 'number' which is as long as a zip code...
You found one who was happy with that. The world would be a boring place if we were all the same.
FIDO at November 13, 2015 2:39 AM
Yeah, it comes down to the guy. I have a sordid past, and there were moments early in our marriage where during vulnerable moments my husband would worry about it. Even if in his head he knows you wouldn't cheat, there's still insecure emotional stuff everyone carries around.
I think if you like this guy... don't HAVE a bunch of other guys sniffing around.
NicoleK at November 13, 2015 10:20 AM
Is it ever good to tell a guy about other guys you've slept with recently or who are still nosing around? I think it might make a guy feel you're desirable and commit,
Well, if you think that information might make a guy feel you're desirable and commit, then why not try telling this guy how hot your recent sex was with these guys (maybe you could even go into detail) and how badly other guys want to fuck you and see how it works out for you. You can report back and let us know.
JD at November 13, 2015 2:39 PM
"... feel you're desirable and commit."
Methinks she herself does not FEEL desirable and has used sex to do so.
She wants/needs him to use her "measuring stick" instead of letting his actions towards her show if he "values" her and in what way.
No info of how he treats her so something is off here.
Bob in Texas at November 14, 2015 6:06 AM
@"Is it ever good to tell a guy about other guys you've slept with recently"
No, unless it is to give him fair chance to make an accurate enough assessment to dump you. Failing that, if you actually want to keep him, nothing good can come of telling him anything like this.
Lobster at November 18, 2015 2:49 PM
Leave a comment