Toad Rage
I'm in my early 40s and newly divorced. I fooled around with this guy -- my first time with somebody besides my husband in 12 years. We had weekend plans, but two days passed with no texts from him. I texted him angrily, repeatedly telling him he'd hurt my feelings, and he cut off contact. Now, months later, he has resurfaced, saying I've been in his thoughts. What could he want?
--Puzzled
Men you've dated briefly will sometimes resurface -- much like bloated dead bodies in New York's East River.
As for why this one's coming around again, chances are, the paint on "she's crazy" dried and he remembered that you are also pretty and do that crazy thing with your tongue. Okay, so you were short on nonchalance in your first post-divorce dating situation. After a long sex-and-affection famine, a newly divorced woman, like any starving refugee, is unlikely to simply nudge a hot piece of meat around on her plate like one of those skeletal "ladies who lunch" (but do not eat).
The truth is you probably weren't going off on him merely because he failed to meet your text-pectations. Your behavior most likely stemmed from what psychologists call a "priming effect," describing how exposure to one situation colors how you react to another. Being mindful of this can help you tell a guy what you need and give him a chance to come through -- instead of immediately texting him with all the casual cool of a kidnapper demanding a bag of small unmarked bills. Should you give this guy another chance, see that you're only asking questions he's prepared to answer, like where he went to elementary school and why his previous relationship ended -- not "Will I be alone forever?" and "Wanna come over and try to fill the vast void I have inside?"
Now, months later, he has resurfaced, saying I've been in his thoughts. What could he want?
A willow or a cat.
A willow or a cat.
That's where his mind is at,
A willow or a cat.
JD at November 24, 2015 9:19 PM
I hope I'm not asking this type of questions at 40.
Ppen at November 24, 2015 10:20 PM
I think LW should tell this guy to take a hike. You don't cut off all communications, then show up out of the blue and ask for a date. The silent treatment is for the punitive and the manipulative. Give this jerk his walking papers.
Patrick at November 25, 2015 12:31 AM
I agree with you, Patrick. Except for this: "I texted him angrily, repeatedly telling him he'd hurt my feelings, and he cut off contact." Repeatedly? You hurt my feelings, you hurt my feelings and, oh yeah, you also hurt my feelings? I would have cut off contact, too.
Lizzy at November 25, 2015 4:06 AM
He's thinking:
"What's the worse that can happen other than being slammed into a telephone pole (and that tongue thing!)?
Bob in Texas at November 25, 2015 5:44 AM
Um, he got what he wanted, decided it wasn't worth it, isn't getting it elsewhere now, and is willing to pay the price, at least temporarily, to get it now.
Or it took him months to realize you're the one.
Not much of a salesman, am I?
MarkD at November 25, 2015 5:45 AM
I would have cut things off too Lizzy. But I wouldn't be back months later.
Ben at November 25, 2015 6:38 AM
Chalk this one up to experience, don't act psycho next time, and don't desperately pine after someone who isn't paying attention to you.
NicoleK at November 25, 2015 7:22 AM
I think LW should tell this guy to take a hike. You don't cut off all communications, then show up out of the blue and ask for a date.
Ehhh. . . .
He didnt cut off communication until after she went nuts when he failed to respond to her texts fast enough to satisfy her need.
And at 40 or so texting isnt the way most guys use their phones.
Also, as a guy, once I make plans I dont need to have five more conversations reiterating the plans on the days leading up to the plans.
I simply do not understand womens need to talk everything to death half a dozens times before we do something.
My guess is he enjoyed the messing around, looked forward to messing around some more until she went nuts for not being communicative enough to reconfirm said plans half a dozen times in three day.
I'd have backed off too. Crazy can be fun, but rarely worth it, and never worth it when its that crazy that fast.
Personally I never would have gone back to that well. But the only way the LW will know is to ask him CALMLY
lujlp at November 25, 2015 9:20 AM
> Also, as a guy, once I make plans I dont need to
> have five more conversations reiterating the
> plans on the days leading up to the plans.
Tell me about it! I don't know why women do this.
Countless times I've had conversations with women about precisely what we'll do the very next evening, then for some reason they need to call and re-discuss the whole thing the day of, in just as much detail.
"We just had this conversation yesterday" is not a winning response.
Snoopy at November 25, 2015 2:13 PM
"We just had this conversation yesterday" is not a winning response.
I swear to god one time I was sooooooooo tempted to ask a girl why we could never discuss all the sexual things we were planning to do multiple times every day leading up to date night like she did with dinner plans.
lujlp at November 25, 2015 8:49 PM
I swear to god one time I was sooooooooo tempted to ask a girl why we could never discuss all the sexual things we were planning to do multiple times every day leading up to date night like she did with dinner plans.
She is talking about the part of the date that she is actually looking FORWARD to...;)
I kid.
**
It was unclear if the guy blew off the weekend plans or not.
If he did, she had the right to be upset. And I do not see what the angst is about. HOWEVER, even if she WAS blown off on these plans, the fact that she is even asking this question, acting like the dumbest of blonde stereotypes ("Gee...Were your pants dirty that you dropped them?") means that she is actually seeking permission to reestablish something with this guy. Him? He hopes you are over your well deserved mad and will have sex with him again (for the slow of thinking)
If he did NOT blow her off...one wonders how smart the guy is. But sex is sex and if he is going through a dry spell, knocking a piece off of the craz....very emotional lady fulfills his need.
However, LW, do not make too many long range plans with this guy if it is the later case.
FIDO at November 26, 2015 11:23 AM
Last person I had scream at me that I had *hurt their feelings*
was five years old.
Need I say more?
If someone looks like they are about to blow off weekend plans, or has actually done it, the appropriate response is a phone call saying " Hey, are we still on for this weekend?because, if not, I am going to go do what I originally had planned.
Followed by concern for their welfare because as a polite civilized person, you know they would never not just show up, unless something really serious had happened.
Makes me wonder what the dynamics were in this fragile flower's marriage. Maybe husband number one decided to run screaming for the exit, from little Miss Center of the Universe.
Isab at November 27, 2015 9:23 AM
Snoopy: Countless times I've had conversations with women about precisely what we'll do the very next evening, then for some reason they need to call and re-discuss the whole thing the day of, in just as much detail.
Interesting. I'm sure I share a lot of experiences men have had in dating women, but that particular thing isn't one of them. I can't ever recall a woman doing that.
JD at November 27, 2015 12:21 PM
I have, on occasion as a male, called a date I was meeting for dinner and given her a breakdown of what I was wearing so we did not have to face me showing up in jeans and sneakers and her showing up in a high end dress or visa versa if it had not been previously discussed. She seemed amused by the idea, but I note we were dressed similarly.
Maybe this is micro managing, but these things can get overlooked and I don't really regret it.
FIDO at November 28, 2015 7:17 PM
If a woman goes all psycho on me for not texting in 2 days, she won't hear from me again. Unless I'm looking for a bit of casual 'fooling around'. If you fooled around in the past, he may just be checking if that's possibly on the table again .. as someone else said, probably he was getting some elsewhere, and now isn't.
Lobster at December 6, 2015 3:41 PM
@" two days passed with no texts from him. I texted him angrily"
One more small comment on this: Two days passed with no texts from him, did it occur to you in that time to consider that maybe HE might have been having a difficult time of things (e.g. very busy / work stress / overloaded / dealing with personal issues etc.)? Did you consider maybe checking in with him, e.g. maybe just, hey, is everything OK, instead of attacking him? Men are just people too.
Lobster at December 16, 2015 7:05 AM
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