Fawn Juan
I'm a 31-year-old single guy with a problematic pattern. Women I ask out seem to love how I'm open and very complimentary from the start, but then, suddenly, they get cold feet. It seems that once women know they're desired, they're done with you. My guy friends tell me I should "play it cool," but then I'm not being authentic.
--True Man
Gushing over a woman right out of the gate -- "Wow...you have skin!" -- tends to give a man all the rough-hewn sex appeal of a Care Bear.
The problem here comes out of what evolutionary psychologists David Buss and David Schmitt explain as men's and women's conflicting sexual strategies. For an ancestral woman, there was the possibility of high back-end costs from any sex act (children to dig grubs for and drag around). So, women evolved to be the commitment-seekers of our species, and men, the commitment-free sex seekers. Men still had a good chance of passing on their genes, even if they chose to "fun and run." (Of course, this worked better in the days before state-ordered child support.)
Though it's the tail end of 2015, evolutionary psychologists Leda Cosmides and John Tooby explain that "our modern skulls house a stone age mind" with "stone age priorities." So, women expect to work to get a man to commit just as men expect to work to get a woman into bed. And just as women get devalued by men for being sexually "easy," men get devalued by women if they seem emotionally "easy" -- like by immediately throwing around compliments like glitter at a gay pride parade. This sort of thing doesn't say you find the woman beautiful or whatever; it says you find it a miracle that she went out with you at all.
Try something new -- keeping a lid on the word drool. In other words, shut up and listen. Ask a woman about herself -- where she's been, what she thinks, what matters to her -- and engage with what she's saying. That's the sincere way to compliment a woman -- showing that you're interested in her as a human being instead of slobbering all over her like a dog that's been left home all day.
The safe time to compliment a woman on her hotitude is after you've slept together. Women are often insecure about their bodies, and post-sex compliments will be appreciated (instead of depreciating you). All in all, keep in mind that the dating realm is like many other endeavors. Too much enthusiasm too soon typically makes you seem desperate...for something...anything...anybody. Picture yourself wandering into a bank and having a bunch of execs dash over: "We'd like to make YOU the president of Wells Fargo!" And you're like, "Umm...I was just coming in to get quarters for the laundromat."
Women I ask out seem to love how I'm open and very complimentary from the start
They're being polite because people are conditioned to act grateful and enthusiastic when they receive compliments. But really, they are thinking you're being weird and just don't want to be mean to you.
but then, suddenly, they get cold feet.
They hoped that you were just being awkward but well-meaning at first and that you'd start treating them like humans once you relaxed. But you didn't.
As Amy suggests, be "genuine" by showing genuine interest in their interests, lives, and non-physical attributes. Ask questions. But non-creepy ones. "Are you a model," is a creepy question.
sofar at December 16, 2015 12:19 PM
Thirsty beta dropping unearned flattery.
Snoopy at December 16, 2015 12:23 PM
For me, that type of over-flattery right from the get-go was always just really creepy. It tended to make me feel like a piece of meat as opposed to a real, thinking, breathing woman. Like sofar says above, the best way to compliment a woman is to engage her in conversation rather than making her feel as though she's on display.
Shannon at December 17, 2015 8:20 AM
Yeah, why would you be "very complimentary from the start" toward someone you don't even know? How is that authentic?
kf at December 18, 2015 8:31 AM
Something is off 'cause at 31 he should have had some (enough) experience to know what works for him, and this works for nobody except maybe a predator (and I doubt Amy is on his speed dial).
Bob in Texas at December 19, 2015 9:52 AM
This guy may be one of those guys who tends to put women up on pedestals. He's being authentic in that he's just verbalizing some of the things he's feeling at the moment. But what's not authentic is his vision of her. As mentioned above, this is someone he barely knows. And his extreme admiration of her is at odds with the reality of the situation.
If he's 31, you'd think the law of averages would kick in and one of these girls would respond to his extreme flattery sooner or later. So I'm thinking we're either not getting the whole story here, he only hits on out of reach girls and impossible situations, or something's disrupting the learning process; he never allows himself to see women as they really are, or to let reality check the fantasy. If he had a few disappointments under his belt, he would probably proceed with caution in the future. Perhaps that little invalidation "once women know they're desired, they're done with you" of his experiences is part of why he never learns.
LG at December 19, 2015 10:43 AM
If it creeps out women, what's so great about being authentic?
Blue Crab at December 20, 2015 2:36 PM
You do need to tone it down a bit, but I suggest maybe don't think of it as 'not being authentic', think of it as being just a somewhat toned-down, slightly cooler version of your authentic self.
Lobster at December 20, 2015 2:59 PM
Over-flattery of women can be a sign of low self-esteem - I think that's partly why it's a turn-off - it implies you think you are beneath a woman's 'status'/value, while women want men of equal or higher 'status'/value. Dish your authentic self out more sparingly, and as Amy suggests, after you've slept together.
Lobster at December 20, 2015 3:04 PM
LW should read and study "No More Mr. Nice Guy." by Dr. Robert Glover, get to the root of the issues and work his way out of them. Being 31 years old means nothing, some of us were blind to reality for much longer than that.
Or if he's got a stronger stomach, read a couple weeks worth of Chateau Heartiste...
bkmale at December 21, 2015 7:16 AM
It is a scarcity issue. He feels that just because he is not getting enough sex, he can compliment his way to getting more.
It does not work that way. In fact, less is FAR more. What he should do instead is find ways to make himself someone HE would date (well, maybe not him, as it seems all he needs is a semi attractive woman with a working vagina) What a WOMAN would look for in a mate. Good job. In shape. Not a nut job.
It isn't hard but it is NOT self evident.
FIDO at December 22, 2015 2:29 AM
Dear Amy,
I wish to comment on your advice to “shut up and listen…..ask a woman about herself-where she’s been, what she thinks, what matters to her-and engage with what she’s saying.”
That was exactly how I had treated a young lady who appeared to want to befriend me.
Yikes! And kudos to you, it will really works, the caveat, however, is that it also works to one’s detriment, when you are NOT “hitting on” but truly interested in the person you a talking to only as a friend.
My rules for this type of situation are: you do not ask for or exchange phone numbers, emails, leave the area or building you’re at together, meet anywhere without a 3rd or 4th person, make no comments about attractiveness, or “hotness,“ and you will not send the wrong message, right? Wrong.
I followed all the above rules, so I suppose, she created some puerile fantasy in her mind. Not to mention, even if I was available, I wouldn’t date women I work with, or women that appear to be 18 years my junior, which she fell into both categories.
So, what was this sweet, polite, and conservatively appropriate young lady’s reaction to finding out I was married?
Let’s just say that you can tell a lot about a person’s character by the way they treat people that cannot do anything for them.
Which leads me to the moral of this letter: do not neglect the importance of dating, taking your time, and getting to know someone before you sign on the dotted line. Good luck to all the single gentlemen out there.
bluejacket472 at January 19, 2016 12:19 PM
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