Stare Wars
My girlfriend of a year has a really hard time looking into my eyes when we have sex. Eye contact is a big turn-on for me because it's so intense and intimate. She says she feels scared and vulnerable: "I don't want you to see how much I care." I also think she feels insecure about how she looks during sex. How can I reassure her?
--Not Going Anywhere
Okay, so your girlfriend's idea of something sexy to wear in bed is a Richard Nixon mask with the eyeholes taped over. (On a positive note, this isn't because keeping her eyes closed makes it easier to pretend you're Channing Tatum.)
Your girlfriend's likely to let go a little if you grab on to her a little tighter. This advice comes out of "the dependency paradox," a finding by social psychologist Brooke C. Feeney that the more you show a romantic partner that they can rely on you, the less they feel the need to cling. This would seem to apply to emotional risks, too, like not just having sex while blindfolded. In pitch darkness. In a cave. In the middle of the earth.
To help your girlfriend understand that, in you, she has what Feeney calls a "secure base," warn her that you're going to start bombarding her with how much you love her and how beautiful you find her. And don't just do it in bed. Hug her, kiss her, love on her in while in line at the DMV. (Keep at it until strangers coo -- or yell, "Get a room!") Ask her to try eye contact while clothed -- at first for three seconds, and then for five -- and then try the same in bed. Eventually, she should feel more secure about your loving her and finding her beautiful -- even in bed, when she's making a face like Mao Tse-tung straining on the john.
Go Clockwork Orange:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4jQttzATo8
Snoopy at December 16, 2015 11:25 AM
Two words: Doggy style.
bkmale at December 21, 2015 7:09 AM
To me this seems like it could be a red flag, IF there seem to possibly be other niggling issues regarding the quality of the relationship. Would need more details.
Lobster at January 9, 2016 7:54 AM
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