The Alone Ranger
Sometimes, when my boyfriend is upset, he wants comforting, just like I would. He'll vent or lay his head in my lap, and I stroke his hair. But sometimes, he just sits on the couch and says nothing. How do I know what he needs, and how do I feel better about it when it isn't me?
--Man Cave Confusion
Just like women, men often verbalize complex emotions -- for example, "I want sausage and pepperoni on that."
The truth is, men have feelings; they just don't hang them out to dry on the balcony railing like big cotton granny panties. Developmental psychologist Joyce Benenson, who studies sex differences, notes in "Warriors and Worriers" that men, who evolved to be the warriors of the species, typically express emotions less often and with less intensity than women. Men are especially likely to put a lid on fear and sadness, emotions that reflect vulnerability -- though it's also the rare man you'll hear chirp to his buddy, "OMG, those are, like, the cutest wingtips!"
Men's emotional coolness is an evolved survival tactic, Benenson explains. "Emotions communicate feelings to others. They also affect our own behavior." In battle, "a person who loses control of his emotions cannot think clearly about what is happening around him. Revealing to the enemy that one feels scared or sad would be even worse."
Women, on the other hand, bond through sharing "personal vulnerabilities," Benenson notes. Men and women do have numerous similarities -- like having the adrenaline-infused fight-or-flight reaction as our primary physiological response to stress. However, psychologist Shelley Taylor finds that women also have an alternate stress response, which she named "tend-and-befriend." "Tending" involves self-soothing through caring for others, and "befriending" describes "the creation of and maintenance of social networks" to turn to for comforting. (And no, she isn't talking about Facebook or Instagram.)
So, as a woman, you may long to snuggle up to somebody for a restorative boohoo, but for a man, opening up about his feelings can make him feel worse -- and even threatened. The problem is we have a tendency to assume other people are emotionally wired just like us. Being mindful of that and of the evolutionary reasons a guy might need to go off in a corner to lick his wounds might help you avoid taking it personally: "I'm upset about how you're upset!" (Great! And now his problem has a problem.)
It would be helpful if an upset man would hang a "Do not disturb" sign on his face when he just wants to drink a beer (or four) and watch "South Park." You could try to read his body language -- like crossed arms and stiff posture saying "go away." But if his body isn't speaking up all that clearly, you could say, "I'm here if you wanna talk -- or if you don't." If it's the latter, stock the fridge; make him a sandwich; make him some sex. In other words, comfort him in the way a clammed-up guy needs to be comforted. It beats being the girlfriend version of the enthusiastic good Samaritan who, on a slow day, forces little old ladies across the street at gunpoint.
I think you nailed this one. The only thing I can add is that it becomes more so as you age. If a man is in a position of leadership within an organization, he can express no doubts, qualms, fears or hurts when things go south, because it will discourage, or worse, everyone within the organization, also.
SlowMindThinking at December 1, 2015 9:25 PM
"It beats being the girlfriend version of the enthusiastic good Samaritan who, on a slow day, forces little old ladies across the street at gunpoint."
Somebody in this here sob-sister column owes me a new cup of coffee and a clean up at my computer. People ought to have to get a license to be funny in the morning.
minos at December 2, 2015 11:24 AM
On point Amy.
Personally I find that when things go south not only do I feel bad but I'm rattled that I was wrong (no, not an ego thing).
Much of what men do concerns a future outcome that is predicated by how we think several things will go.
When our world gets upside down it's the 'how did that happen?' stuff that needs to be absorbed and figured out. You can't do that when you are crying or on the telephone (pole).
Bob in Texas at December 2, 2015 4:13 PM
http://imgur.com/gallery/6icZ3
smurfy at December 3, 2015 2:38 PM
Not only "warrior". The hunter. Can't afford a bad hair day. If you screw up through a moment's distraction, not only does lunch escape, it might escape right over you.
See Ardrey "The Hunting Hypothesis".
Richard A Aubrey at December 3, 2015 4:34 PM
WOMEN teach men not to "open up". When we do try to express ourselves, we are interrupted, criticized, judged, and corrected. Too many times, she'll turn the discussion around and make it all about HER.
When I had horrible bypass surgery a few years ago, I was a mental and physical wreck. Not only soldiers suffer PTSD. My folks offered to be listeners if I needed to talk about my feelings. As soon as they realized what was going on in my head, they stopped me with "We don't talk about things like that here" or "Well you can't think like that, you have to think like THIS."
They had not a clue how to deal with me, and decided I should get professional help. To me, that meant drugs, which I refused. Actually, I did find a 'pro' to help-- he's actually a pet psychic, but he'll work with humans, too. Two hours with him was a bargain, IMO.
jefe at December 3, 2015 6:42 PM
Glad you were able to work it out Jefe. PTSD is a bitch to live with and it comes in all shapes and sizes.
fyi- I too had such an awful experience at a hospital that I had nightmares for quite awhile. When I needed a second op 8 months later I told my surgeon beforehand about my problem and he sent me home so quick after that op that the hospital protested. I was so happy to be out of there that I cried.
Bob in Texas at December 4, 2015 6:11 AM
"enthusiastic good Samaritan" .... LMAO!!!
Ian at December 5, 2015 1:15 PM
Although I am a fairly verbal and articulate person (many of my friends would say I talk too much), I often find myself at a loss for words to express myself when I'm hurt or upset. I might sometimes welcome the ability to verbalize, I just can't manage it. So being with me - without pushing me to "talk about it," because I can't figure out how to - is really the proper response.
The next few months are going to be like that, and even in advance I can't figure out how to talk about it.
Grey Ghost at December 8, 2015 12:48 PM
WOMEN teach men not to "open up". When we do try to express ourselves, we are interrupted, criticized, judged, and corrected. Too many times, she'll turn the discussion around and make it all about HER.
It's not just women. Men do this too, just in a different way. When a woman tells us her troubles, we want to fix things.
Most people, guys and girls, are lousy listeners. Most of the time, the person talking doesn't want any input, they just need to talk. A good listener shuts up, nods at all the right moments, makes encouraging noises, and lets the other person get it all out.
a_random_guy at December 10, 2015 1:39 AM
"give him sex" this! Blow jobs work best. Less work for him.
ken at December 14, 2015 7:40 PM
I always read these and this one somehow seems fake. Just my gut instinct. If not, LW must write in to know that you must swoop in and swoop out as the enchanting mistress that you might be and capture his attention. Make him perplex on your whims and have him saying wtf, not you. My preference.
Therese at December 14, 2015 10:08 PM
@Therese Does that actually work out for you in e.g. long-term relationships?
Lobster at December 16, 2015 6:52 AM
On "OMG, those are, like, the cutest wingtips!"
Woman Logic:
"Madeline bought a dress JUST LIKE THIS ONE. I can't wear it anymore."
Man Logic:
"I liked your suit. So I went and bought one just like it. Want a beer?"
Lamont Cranston at December 30, 2015 7:13 AM
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