Living Repurposefully
To quote the Facebook relationship status, "It's complicated." I went out with this man a few times and slept with him once. It didn't work out, and now his sexy guy friend, who's also his boss, has asked me out. However, the boss guy used to date one of my female friends. We are all in the same social circle. What's the protocol here? Do I need to ask permission or give anybody a heads-up about my going out with the boss guy?
--Messy Picture
It can be a little touchy for all involved when everybody's answer to "Where have you been all my life?" is "Having sex with your friend."
But perhaps you missed the news. They passed an amendment against owning people. In, uh, 1865. So, assuming your girlfriend isn't in a fetal position behind her couch sobbing over the boss guy, you should feel free to go out with him. But considering how often first dates end up being last dates, it's best to avoid putting out a press release about your plans. If dating the guy does take a relationshippy turn, that's when you give your girlfriend a little heads-up: "Hey, just wanted to let you know, I was rummaging through your trash and I found this fabulous old chair, along with your ex-boyfriend." Stay classy -- that is, avoid any temptation to go gloaty: "They both are, like, so comfy and are really perking up the bedroom!"
As the LW states, eventually most young single participants in a social circle that includes going out for drinks and meeting up to do 'stuff' pair up for 1 night or for months, so LW is not telling all or has not been in the group for over a year.
Something seems off because it is more likely that she would simply 'discuss' this w/her friend(?) casually over drinks or the bar's bathroom sink ("Hey, what's up w/you and Fred?").
Hard to believe she is that clueless or that young. I think Amy hit it on the head and the 'friend' is hoping to win the guy back and LW knows it.
Bob in Texas at January 20, 2016 7:33 AM
I am engaged to a guy my roommate and best friend briefly dated. She confessed to still having feelings for him a month before he and I uh...reunited at a party.
So I felt super awful about it. I kept it a secret for a little while, but I figured that it was disrespectful to assume she'd react immaturely. So, I called her up and said, "So ... J and I hooked up." And waited for her to respond. After a weighty pause, she said, "Good for you, he's hot! I hope what I said about having feelings for him still won't stop you if you guys are compatible. I was drunk and feeling lonely when I said that."
"Bros before hoes" and "chicks before dicks" are nice sentiments, but, as Bob in Texas already said ... things happen in social circles. And adults should be able to navigate these situations.
sofar at January 20, 2016 9:28 AM
Why can't she be that young Bob? I was born in my 80s but most people aren't. And at least she sounds like she is trying to do things right. Contrasted with the lady right after this one (who is clearly a waste of skin) this lady give me some hope.
Ben at January 20, 2016 7:54 PM
"We are all in the same social circle. What's the protocol here? Do I need to ask permission or give anybody a heads-up about my going out with the boss guy?"
re Ben: "Why can't she be that young Bob?"
Not sure why LW's language makes assume she's not that young. (Something about the use of "protocol" and "heads-up" trips some alarms.)
I just don't buy that this is her first MIXED social group where some opportunity to ask a "female friend" a question has not popped up at a bathroom break or over drinks waiting for the boys to show up.
Maybe I'm just too BTDT to remember my first times.
Bob in Texas at January 21, 2016 1:22 PM
For me that tripped the liberal arts educated flag. Reads like the just out of college and trying way to hard to sound smart to me. But I was never any good at the 'guess their age' game. So you are probably right.
The weirder thing for me was they are friends and hangs out with the boss. That never turned out well for anyone I know. You are always on the clock when you are with the boss. It doesn't matter what they say. Things are seen. Times are remembered. And while they may not show up directly when evaluations come around they do have an impact.
Ben at January 22, 2016 12:12 PM
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