Paradise Bossed
I have noticed something odd in my relationship: The less demanding I am the more my boyfriend does what I want. Are guys so defiant, like little boys, that if you tell them what to do, they won't do it? Curiously, if, after saying what I want, I add "but do what you want," he usually does the thing I was hoping for. I don't get it.
--Puzzled
"Hey, baby, let's role-play. I'll be Stalin, and you be the tens of millions of peasants he sent to labor camps!"
Pick one -- having a relationship or ruling the world's tiniest totalitarian state. There are ways to get a man to do your bidding, and barking orders at him is among the least successful. (This is not the kind of doggy-style a man is hoping for.) Social psychologist Jack Brehm's research on what he deemed "psychological reactance" finds what anybody with a 2-year-old knows all too well: The more you try to pressure somebody to do something the more they will "react" -- that is, resist being controlled.
You can use what you've discovered to stealth-control a guy -- trick him into bending to your will by being all "I dunno...do what you want..." However, what's better is not needing to control him. You can get to that point by being consistently giving. This tends to cue our psychological mechanism for reciprocity -- our internal accounting system that keeps track of gifts and favors we've received and bugs us when we're in the red (kind of like a bill collector who demon-calls our conscience instead of our phone).
And, sure, this reciprocity thing can also be used to pull a guy's strings. But, especially over time, we seem able to sniff out people's motives. So see that you're giving out of love rather than out of a desire to, uh, nanomanage (because micromanagement is for slackers). When generosity of spirit is what's driving you, you're likely to inspire the guy to give back -- wanting to make you happy, as opposed to wanting to get your "honey-dos" out of the way so he can tie up two guards and tunnel out of the relationship with a sharpened toothbrush.
General statement: Do you enjoy being bossed around? No? Then why do you think someone else should, just because they are the opposite sex?
Cousin Dave at January 13, 2016 7:25 AM
" Are guys so defiant, like little boys, that if you tell them what to do, they won't do it?"
...Um, some are so defiant that when you tell them what to do, they'll dump your ass and hook up with someone who actually respects them!
This woman sounds like a complete bitch.
Ahw at January 13, 2016 9:32 AM
Agree w/Ahw.
She's "puzzled" that her boyfriend does things for her w/o demands and assumes his behavior (you know, doing what she wants) is him be "defiant" (about what? "Did you say pass the sugar!").
I'm puzzled about what he sees in her.
Bob in Texas at January 13, 2016 11:41 AM
They are called boobs Bob.
Ben at January 13, 2016 12:56 PM
I gotta say, as soon as "...Are guys so defiant...", I immediately wanted to go find her and not do something she told me to do. Since I doubt she was complimenting little boys for being perspicuous enough to mature early in that regard, I have to wonder if she actually thinks it is a good thing for an adult to just do whatever another adult tells them to do?
Ok, if there is a clear difference in a hierarchy and the tasking is directly related to the hierarchy, like say, the military and a local officer is barking commands in order to save everyone's ass. Or, perhaps a parent telling a child to look both ways before crossing a street. But really, your boyfriend? Unless they both want to play Dom and her pet, I can't imagine she's ever had any guy hang around long enough for a real relationship.
SlowMindThinking at January 13, 2016 2:57 PM
If you want to be the boss in the relationship, get a dog.
Not a man, or a cat.... :-)
Also you may have some luck advertising yourself as a Dominatrix for those guys who are into that sort of thing...
Provided you can pull off the costume,
Isab at January 13, 2016 3:40 PM
I have noticed something odd in my relationship:
Whats odd is you seemed to notice anything
The less demanding I am the more my boyfriend does what I want.
Saints be praised, dont act like a demanding bitch and people are nice to you - who'd a thunk it?
Are guys so defiant, like little boys, that if you tell them what to do, they won't do it?
Not just guys, watch this
Shut up and go make me something to eat, naked
Didja do it?
No? Why are you so defiant and childish?
Curiously, if, after saying what I want, I add "but do what you want," he usually does the thing I was hoping for. I don't get it.
I do, you are being a passive aggressive pain in the ass and he isnt doing it because he wants to but because he knows if you bitch at him about it you wont be in the mood for sex.
So he does what you ask, even though your sad pathetic passive aggressiveness grates at his soul in a way a narcissist like you could never understand filling him with bile, and hating himself for it until the day he snaps at you over nothing and pulls the plug on your relationship.
lujlp at January 13, 2016 8:45 PM
@"Are guys so defiant, like little boys"
Sigh, I stopped reading there. I can tell from this one statement that your whole attitude to, and conceptualization of what a relationship even is, is so deeply wrong (and polluted with destructive men-vs-women ideas perpetuated by feminism) that you probably will have to do a lot more self-analysis before you stand a chance of not passive-aggressively slowly destroying your relationship. If you regard and treat men as 'little boys' in any way you will never have a successful relationship.
Asking people to do things instead of barking orders at them is a human thing, it has nothing to do with gender. You'll learn things like that in management courses.
Lobster at January 14, 2016 8:49 AM
@"This is not the kind of doggy-style a man is hoping for"
Lol!
Lobster at January 15, 2016 6:37 AM
Only read Amy's full response now - very good.
Lobster at January 15, 2016 6:39 AM
Amy's answer and the comments have made this one of my favorite Advice Goddess columns ever!
Treadwell at January 16, 2016 2:20 PM
Any guy who has ever had a steady girlfriend knows,"but do what you want," is a trap!
ken at January 16, 2016 5:39 PM
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