Dupe Dreams
I'm a 41-year-old male sports fan, and every girlfriend I've had has initially claimed to like sports. But once I'm all in, she admits that she never liked sports at all. Why can't women just be honest in the beginning?
--Bugged
Say you like camping. A woman who likes you claims she likes camping, too, perhaps believing that she could like camping -- not quite connecting it with everything she absolutely hates, like peeing in a hole and bugs that don't come in pink resin with a matching choker.
Of course, women aren't the only ones who claim to be a little more woodsy or literate or...sportif...than they actually are. However, men tend to lie to get sex, while women tend to lie to get love. But because women evolved to be the nurturers and peacekeepers of the species, they are probably more likely to say yes or okay to stuff they're not very yes or okay with. (Some confuse being a pleaser with being kind and giving in healthy ways.) Men, on the other hand, evolved to be the competitors of our species and are more comfortable with conflict -- starting in infancy, when they're beating up the kid in the next crib.
What's essential to figure out is whether the lie is a little "I like what you like!" stretchie or part of a disturbing pattern -- suggesting she's either a pathological liar or a gaping void looking to use love as Spackle. Expect hyperbole at the start, and ask probing questions to see whether a woman is truly into sports -- beyond challenging some other woman to a cage fight over the last pair of DKNY ankle booties in a 9 and a half narrow.
In the beginning, I told my boyfriend that I liked video games. He told me he loved dancing (one of our first encounters was even in a salsa club).
After some time of me trying to play World of Warcraft with him and him dutifully accompanying me to clubs, I admitted I hadn't really played video games since Doom and N64 in middle school and don't really like playing them anymore, and he admitted he went out dancing to meet girls and actually wasn't that into dancing (but could dance well enough to impress girls because his mom forced him to take lessons).
Nowadays, we do those things separately because we also have enough shared interests we can do together.
I guess it depends on how important it is to LW that she actually likes sports. If he just wants someone to understand that he needs to sit on his butt for four hours at a time all weekend and yell at the TV, it's probably not a big deal. But if he wants a partner to sit on her butt with him for hours at a time, he needs to maybe come up with some kind of sports quiz to weed out the impostors early. I, for one, have always been honest about my dislike of sports because I will NOT build a relationship around games.
sofar at February 2, 2016 7:54 PM
I don't care for sports but I did at one point LOVE memorizing sports trivia. I used to remember everything my dad would tell me.
I have given the wrong impression to many a man. I am just regurgitating info. I have no clue what any of it means or why my brain holds on to it.
I tend to remember a lot of random info (like how to get classic car upholstery fabric from the 50s) yet my short term memory and grammar get worse and worse....
Ppen at February 3, 2016 1:18 AM
Mmm...why not do the sensible thing and assume that, absent her cancelling a date with you so she can watch HER team, you assume that anything she says about sports is BS?
People say all kinds of things they do not mean, and frankly, lying about sports is a venal sin.
So assume she does not like sports. Period. Your follow up questions should be:
1) Will you let ME like sports, with the occasional Super Bowl party?
2) Do I like her enough that her like or dislike of sports is essentially irrelevant?
FIDO at February 3, 2016 4:25 AM
"...he needs to maybe come up with some kind of sports quiz to weed out the impostors early." - sofar
I wouldn't recommend coming up with a "Gotcha" quiz, but starting a conversation about sports with "What's your favorite team?" and continuing from there would certainly give a better idea of how much a woman actually enjoys sports.
Fayd at February 3, 2016 7:26 AM
I wouldn't recommend coming up with a "Gotcha" quiz, but starting a conversation about sports with "What's your favorite team?"
That's essentially what I meant -- a series of casual but probing questions to gauge actual interest. "Quiz" was a bad word choice.
sofar at February 3, 2016 8:50 AM
"my short term memory and grammar get worse and worse...."
It happens to us all Ppen. I went to a high school reunion a few years ago. It was a collection of:
P:Hi Ben!
M:Hi . . . you. (Who the hell is this person?)
I even went up to someone who looked familiar and started talking to him. Turns out I didn't know them and they didn't know me. Welcome to senility I guess.
Ben at February 3, 2016 9:08 AM
I loathe sportsball so much that the idea of pretending to like it just to land a dude who . . . likes something I hate seems pretty self-defeating. "Oh yay now I get to spend every weekend eating Cheetos and considering ripping my eyeballs out so i don't have to watch this anymore."
I may be slightly overwrought due to the fact that the Super Horrible Bowl is currently infesting my city, and my daily commute is filled with drunk yahoos puking because they love sports so much.
On the other hand, I have a friend whose now-ex husband pretended to like kinky sex so effectively that she married him, and was soon met with "whew! Now that we're married I guess we can get rid of all this stupid rope and you don't have to wear that dumb skimpy lingerie anymore. Let's have some nice light-off missionary fun!" That didn't end well.
Anathema at February 4, 2016 6:56 AM
Excluding lying (as Anathema's friend was done to) how do you not know someone is not into sports? I mean LW does talk to the girls before bedding them, right?
Fayd and sofar nailed it. Discuss your interest! Participate in your interest. As sofar notes there are differing levels of interest (Salsa 3 nights a week, only on weekends, not on weekend due to the crowd?)
Dancers see guys/gals come hunting partners all the time. They are good at dancing, occupy the desired target, and, like a good trophy hunter, take 'em off market quickly.
LW may be a victim of this or he might just be a 41 year old juvenile looking for Mommy to set out beer, chips, and hot wings for him and his buds.
Bob in Texas at February 4, 2016 11:37 AM
When she discovers that you're a lot like my housmate, who lays on the sofa like a corpse with the tv playing nonstop ballsports, she'll realize why you're not date material.
jefe at February 4, 2016 6:41 PM
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