Livid And Let Livid
You responded to a woman who was very proud of herself for leaving the room to compose herself when she got really angry with her boyfriend. It is very unhealthy to stuff your anger. Why would you give this terrible advice -- encouraging her to keep holding back -- instead of telling her to vent her anger?
--A Healthier Way
Nothing like screaming obscenities into somebody's face to get them to respond, "Gosh, I forgot how much I love you. And I really want to make all of those changes in myself."
Also, unlike a box of Cap'n Crunch, anger does not rapidly get used up. In fact, Charles Darwin observed that raging on will make you even...rage-ier. But thanks to Freud, people still believe that "venting" anger is a healthy way to reduce it. Not because he had actual evidence for that but because he said so and accessorized so credibly, with the cigar, the iconic eyewear, and the groovy Viennese fainting couch.
One of the first modern researchers to debunk this myth (back in 1966) was Michael Kahn, then a Harvard grad student who'd actually hoped to demonstrate the benefits of venting anger. Posing as an aggressively rude medical technician, he made seriously insulting remarks while taking subjects' blood pressure, making them really angry. As part of the study, some subjects were allowed to vent their anger to a researcher posing as Kahn's supervisor. To Kahn's surprise, those who did got angrier, and their already-elevated blood pressure took off toward strokesville.
Some people will say, "I don't care what the dumb research says; I feel better after I blow my lid." Well, these people still experience all the ill effects of anger on their physical health. The relief they feel is emotional, coming out of how anger arises from the feeling that we've been treated unfairly. Raging back makes them feel that they've done something to right the balance. However, it also tends to provoke a defensive reaction in the person they're raging at, so it's a counterproductive tactic -- assuming they weren't aspiring to kick off 20 years of trench warfare in the condo commons.
The answer isn't stuffing your anger; it's expressing what's behind it -- in a civil discussion instead of a civil war. Controlling the body's role in anger is an essential part of this. The problem is that surging adrenaline and other elements of the body's anger response can't just be thrown into reverse. So, when you feel anger brewing, it's wise to take a step back -- or to do as this woman did and step into another room.
Keeping your cool allows you to present your case -- your feeling hurt by somebody's behavior -- in a way that evokes sympathy rather than defensiveness. This is important because sympathy tends to motivate us to do things to make hurting people feel better. This, in turn, bodes better for the future of a relationship -- sexy as it can be when a man interrupts a woman's rage-athon to whisper, "Baby, I don't mean to turn you on, but that pulsating vein in your forehead looks like an arteriovenous fistula about to blow."
$20 bucks say this was a woman
My immortal soul says she'd never write in to bitch about an advice columnist telling a guy he did great for not abusively screaming at his girlfriend
lujlp at February 9, 2016 10:33 PM
Not convinced that it's unhealthy, long term. Makes sense that it's costly (blood-pressure) short-term. But consider hormesis.
For the record, angry women can be cute. And there's a connection between fighting and sex. Admittedly, it slightly derails negotiations, but can be productive.
Stephan at February 10, 2016 1:25 AM
x100000 for lujlp
dee nile at February 10, 2016 4:34 AM
No pissed off fool has ever made me want to stop and consider that they might be right. IT DOESN'T WORK. People don't react that way. It won't get you what you want. It's stupid.
So prove yourself the fool.
MarkD at February 10, 2016 6:29 AM
Another $20 says that the LW lives alone, and is confused why no relationship lasts more than 3 months.
bkmale at February 10, 2016 7:48 AM
I also think there's a big difference between telling someone you're angry and spewing that anger at them.
My boyfriend is conflict-avoidant. If I just walked away, intending to bring it up with a cooler head later, he'd never know his actions made me angry, and honestly, we'd get so caught up in our lives that the "later" conversation would never happen. And, yes, I would stew over it.
So, when he (thankfully rarely) really pisses me off, I tell him something like, "I'm really angry about what you did. It was inconsiderate and assholish and you need to figure out a way to fix the problem you created or apologize. Come talk to me when you're ready." If it's REALLY bad and I'm REALLY angry, I will shout this and maybe slam the door on my way out. But the point is, it's quick. No hours of shouting.
And then I make good on that. I go about my life and refuse to make myself emotionally and physically available until he fixes the problem or apologizes.
... and he does roughly the same thing when he's angry at me (just replace "goes about his life" with "shutting himself in the spare room and playing video games").
sofar at February 10, 2016 8:48 AM
Also the woman in the original letter did not stuff her feelings, she rationally removed herself from the situation and vented the anger in a healthy fashion, without throwing it all over her boyfriend like toxic sludge
lujlp at February 10, 2016 9:06 AM
"...and is confused why no relationship lasts more than 3 months."
Oh I doubt very much she's confused. She's 100% certain it's because men can't handle a Strong Woman.
dee nile at February 10, 2016 11:30 AM
If you want to go off in a corner by yourself and curse the gods whenever you get angry, go right ahead. Whatever works for you. But if you want to yell and scream at someone? Do you enjoy being yelled and screamed at? No, of course not. So why do you assume other people are going to be OK with it? (If your answer is "that doesn't matter", you have much bigger problems.)
Cousin Dave at February 10, 2016 11:37 AM
dee nile isn't in it. 100% correct (and lujlp)). Of course, the lw probably gets mad more often than a reasonable person would, too.
SlowMindThinking at February 10, 2016 12:45 PM
Giving vent to ones anger is a reaction. It is better to provide a response. That's how grownups are supposed to behave. You end up with less to apologize for.
And providing a response generally speaking requires time to calm down, to contemplate the issue in ways one may not have previously and then compose the response.
Also, I'm not taking any of the bets. Do I look stupid and ugly? (don't answer that)
I R A Darth Aggie at February 10, 2016 1:47 PM
For the record, angry women can be cute.
They're cute right up until they grab a knife out of the block and come at you screaming I'll cut the bitch!
I will always remember John Barrymore's advice: There is exactly one way to fight a woman. It is with your hat. Grab it and run.
I R A Darth Aggie at February 10, 2016 1:51 PM
My pirate winch has been less than enticing lately, prolly due to a variety of her own issues, and I'm enjoying the time I spend volunteering-- helping restore an historic ship. Her way of saying I don't spend enough time with her is to scream "Go work on your ship!" So, I do.
jefe at February 10, 2016 5:58 PM
Jefe,
BTDT (except for the ship part) and it worked out.
Wife had several things going on and was looking for something/someone to blame so naturally ...
Time and eventually meds took care of the problems and since I had not done/said anything stupid (luck on my part as I was a stupid male surrounded my female co-workers and dance partners).
Stay the course Mate as cows are much more expensive to buy than they are to maintain.
Bob in Texas at February 11, 2016 6:17 AM
"It is very unhealthy to stuff your anger"
So that means it's OK to take a giant s&*t on someone whenever you feel you've been wronged.
This reminds me of a paraphrasing of an H.L. Mencken statement "For every complex problem, there's an answer that is simple, clear and wrong." Yes, holding in anger can stress one out a bit more in the short term. But then what about all the stress caused by a relationship that just got a bit colder.
This is not just about doing charity work for other people's feelings. It's not always in OUR best interest to just let loose on people. Indeed, our perception of the situation may be off. And now we've just stressed someone else out and made them feel bad unnecessarily. It's for situations like these we don't REACT to our feelings. We feel them, knowing we aren't going to die if we don't do something about them immediately, and decide on the best response. Truly stuffing anger would be pretending like we didn't even have it or invalidating it. Being a mature adult who values themselves we say "I really feel angry and hurt right now, what's the best thing to do about that?" Sometimes the best response IS a tongue lashing. But most of the time that does more damage than the immediate pressure relief it provides.
LG at February 13, 2016 11:08 AM
Amy is 100% correct. Venting leads to more rage. People who constantly express their anger are practicing expressing anger. It should be no surprise they then get angry easier and more often when they 'vent'. It may feel good but it isn't healthy both in the short term and in the long.
Self control is a key to happiness. I'm not saying become a doormat. But control your actions. Control your response. Learn to act in an effective manner. We can learn for a reason. Instinctual behavior often doesn't work.
Also, if you won't control yourself society may end up doing it for you. First by ostracization (no friends) and possibly by confinement (jail time).
Ben at February 17, 2016 7:30 AM
Venting one's anger inappropriately can also lead to ill health for the people in the same house as the raging person, who live in fear of the next explosion of anger to keep you on your toes and stress out your immune system.
nancy at April 27, 2016 12:18 AM
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