Mr. Throng
I'm a 35-year-old woman, and I've been involved with a guy around my age for almost two years. It's been "open." Well, that is, he's had the freedom to sleep with other people. I haven't wanted to. I finally realized that I am not happy with this and want more, but he made it very clear that he's not interested in being monogamous -- with me or anybody. I'm having a very difficult time cutting things off, as there's a lot that's great about our relationship. How do you leave somebody you really care about who you know is bad for you?
--Stuck
It isn't exactly a shocker that the thing you want to be asking your boyfriend when he comes home is not "Hey, cuddlebug, how was your booty call?"
There's this notion that being sexually sophisticated means being all "no probski" about your partner having sex on the "I love a parade" model. But it turns out that jealousy isn't so easily disabled. Research by evolutionary psychologist David Buss suggests that jealousy is basically love's burglar alarm -- an evolved psychological warning system that goes off in response to threats to a relationship. So, sure, you can try to talk yourself into being cool with the sexual variety pack -- just like when you hear your downstairs window breaking, you can try to roll over and catch a little more shut-eye while the burglars ransack your house.
It must seem kind of unbelievable to be so miserable yet so unable to keep enough of a grip on that to get out. You can probably blame the limits of what's called "working memory." It's essentially a mental workspace -- a kind of whiteboard in your head -- where you lay out and kick around a few sets of information. These info sets are called "chunks," and one example might be the experiences that make up the idea "he cooks me these wonderful dinners!" But according to research by psychologist Nelson Cowan, working memory holds only about four chunks at once. We also tend to give priority seating to info sets that justify the choices we've made. So, all aboard for the he's a great kisser chunk, the he was really sweet when I was in the hospital chunk, etc., etc. And whoops -- whaddya know -- seems there's no room for he insists on having sex buffet-style.
You need to look at all the information at once, and this requires a piece of paper and a pen. On either half of the page, list the pros and cons of being with him, giving them blocks of space that correspond to their importance. For example, his home-cooked meals should probably get a sliver of space on the pro side, while his need to go home with Linda should get a big block on the con side. Carry this paper around and look at it until it becomes clear to you that you need to be somebody's "one and only" and not just the one before their Tuesday tennis lesson.
I always wonder about men who seem to find ready partners with so much ease... who are they? Most of the women who cross my path on a daily basis don't register a blip on my excitement meter. It's why I rarely date anyone new. LW should look closer at who else he's shagging: "A man is known by the company he keeps", so if her man seems partial to ho-bags and skanks, ending the relationship comes a lot more easily.
jefe at March 1, 2016 7:15 PM
"How do you leave somebody you really care about who you know is bad for you?"
It helps if you know what your deal-breakers are and then actually break the deals.
Bob in Texas at March 1, 2016 7:18 PM
I always wonder about men who seem to find ready partners with so much ease... who are they?
They're part of the 20% of men who get 80% of the sex. Just one of those things the rest of us have to resign ourselves to.
Rex Little at March 2, 2016 12:20 AM
I think jefe is talking about how unexciting he finds most women and is curious about those guys that hook up or date a lot.
For me I'm always curious about those women that are always in relationships. Dump one boyfriend, have one a week later. No I'm not talking about sex. I mean full blown relationships. My stepsister is one of those ladies. I don't find most men interesting enough to be in a relationship with.
Ppen at March 3, 2016 1:16 PM
re Ppen and jeje,
I think that those types of men are seeking receptacles and those types of women are seeking a positive reflecting mirror.
They are smart enough to seek out those that, with the proper behavior on their part, will give them that which they seek.
Bob in Texas at March 4, 2016 5:27 AM
As Amy has mentioned a few times, sex with the same partner can get monotonous. This is not to say it means it's OK to have sex with other people. It just does get this way. And this causes some to seek out the thrill and the rush again with someone new. Some are fully addicted to this rush, and cannot NOT have sex with others, even at the cost of their primary relationship. It's not really about sexual freedom, it's about a junkie getting a fix.
But this monotony is one of the struggles of being in a long term relationship I think. Commitment involves sacrifice. If it doesn't, it's not really a commitment. It takes work to keep it exciting in the bedroom. And even then, it won't be AS exciting as sex with someone new. Being able to chase any piece of tail we like is one of the things we give up in a committed relationship. We give it up for the greater prize, even though that prize is not as thrilling some of the time. But it can be WAY more satisfying over time.
LG at March 5, 2016 12:34 PM
Sometimes at the pool I jump off the high dive. If I gingerly walk across it and look down, I can't do it. The only way to it is to climb up the ladder, stride confidently across the board, glance to make sure no one is in the way and jump. If I overthink it I can't do it.
NicoleK at March 6, 2016 10:11 AM
"... he made it very clear that he's not interested in being monogamous -- with me or anybody."
He doesn't want her to spice things up. He wants what he wants which may be sex w/others but is definitely NOT being w/her in the type of relationship she "wants".
Sex has nothing to do w/this since he could easily hide his 'affairs' and give her the appearance of a monogamous relationship. Clearly he does not want this with her (perhaps no one but even Clooney got married so ...).
Bob in Texas at March 7, 2016 6:39 AM
I could write some long post about trying to rationally set standards for what you say you want in a relationship and try abide by them, but f' it - let's be honest, you probably wouldn't really be interested in Mr Boring Committed Monogamous Guy, you like being a member of Attractive Uncommitted Guy's harem.
You should realize you're not actually in a relationship. I mean, you are, but he isn't, he's just playing you ... I suspect you might be the only one of the two of you who call it a 'relationship' to anyone else.
Lobster at March 22, 2016 4:26 PM
When women say they're OK with an open relationship, they generally don't mean it.
When men say they're OK with an open relationship, they almost always mean it.
In the immortal acronym of Dan Savage, DTMFA. He's not going to change his mind.
Grey Ghost at April 1, 2016 6:51 AM
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