Shrug, Actually
I'm in my first serious relationship. It started off super hot and sexual. Now, a year in, it's lovey-dovey and cuddly. Not that my boyfriend and I don't have sex. We do, and it's still good. But we no longer sext or send cute selfies, and the butterflies feeling is gone. Is it all downhill from here?
--Worried
Once you've been together for a while, you may still have vivid fantasies running through your head during sex, like the one where you get to the dry cleaner's before closing time.
The Declaration of Independence proclaimed that we have a right to "the pursuit of Happiness," but it doesn't get into actually having it, which, as you've discovered, can be a bit of a bore. This makes biological sense, considering that there are stages in attraction and bonding and a cocktail of biochemicals behind each. Dopamine, a neurochemical that researchers associate with wanting, "novelty-seeking," and focused attention, is a star player when you're in chase mode (aka "infatuation," "attraction," or, more descriptively, "Who knew you could get a callus down there?").
However, evolution is no fool, and it realized that we couldn't spend all of our time chasing each other around whatever passed for the kitchen table back when "the man cave" was an actual cave. So bonding hormones -- oxytocin and vasopressin -- eventually take charge. And that's why, a year into a relationship, you may be doing "unnatural acts" in the bedroom, but they probably involve things like dusting the miniblinds.
Going from hot sexts to ho-humming along is a result of "hedonic adaptation." "Hedonic" comes from a Greek word for pleasure, and hedonic adaptation describes how we quickly acclimate to changes in our circumstances -- positive or negative -- to the point where they no longer give us the boost (or kick in the teeth) that they first did. Research by social psychologist Philip Brickman and his colleagues suggests that we each have a happiness "set point," and we keep getting pulled back to it. A fascinating example of this is their finding that people who won big in the lottery were (of course) stoked at first, but ultimately, they ended up being no happier than victims of crippling accidents.
Happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky finds that people in relationships can resist hedonic adaptation, but it takes "ongoing effort" to bring in variety. She's talking about varied experiences and, especially, varied surprising experiences. Surprise, Lyubomirsky explains in "The Myths of Happiness," delivers "strong emotional reactions." Remember strong emotional reactions? They're a little hard to come by once you can close your eyes and draw a solar system of your beloved's every birthmark, freckle, and mole.
The good news is that, even now, you can bring surprise into your relationship; you just need to stage it. Try to inject it into every day, and maybe take turns planning a weekly secret date night -- secret from the person who isn't the planner -- so at least one of you is surprised. You might also take turns planning separate sextracurricular activities, on the same model. Without this extra effort, sex may still be fun, but the only way it's likely to be surprising is if one of you tries to sneak out the window afterward.
Having experience with more than one serious relationship helps build one's sexual creativity. I say that nobody should marry before having been through at least such relationships.
jefe at March 29, 2016 7:51 PM
re jefe's "sexual creativity",
"Sexual curiosity" is much better and that it is likely that each new relationship starts at "Go" rather than picking up the "story" at where you left off.
"Remember the last time we did this? Let's do this as well."
Bob in Texas at March 30, 2016 6:01 AM
As a serial long-term monogamist, I can say this: having separate lives helps. A lot. You can still live together, but have your own friends and your own hobbies.
You should be able to come home sometimes and find out that your boyfriend has gone out with friends for the night and vice versa. You should get dressed up to go out withOUT him sometimes. Travel without each other sometimes.
There are some weeks my boyfriend and I don't see each other (ie, we come home after the other is in bed) Mon-Fri. And then we really REALLY enjoy Saturday night together because we've missed each other.
I've noticed the couples who get the most bored with each other are the ones who 100% share social lives.
sofar at March 30, 2016 7:33 AM
You should be ashamed of yourselves, all of you.
The LW needs to know that as soon as her relationship hits a bump or experiences any sort of boredom or calmness she needs to bail out, immediately.
True love is being in a constant state of turmoil.
Ever see those couples who have been married fifty years? That's because he slaps her around and she cheats and tells him about it. The makeup sex is so hot they can't ever part.
Also, not taxing the wealthy means they'll trickle down the wealth to the have-nots. That's also true.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at March 30, 2016 11:30 AM
Look, when the top 10% pay over 50% of all taxes, ANY tax cut designed to ease the burden on the lower or middle class will benefit those paying the most.
Lets say all collected taxes = $100
And assuming a split of 10% rich, 65% middle class, and 25% poverty taxes look like this
10 people pay $50
Each one pays $5
65 people pay $50
Each one pays $0.77
25 people pay $0.00
Each one pays nothing
Now if we pass a law that "refunds" half to help out the middle class the equation looks like this
10 people pay $25
Each one pays $2.50
Each one "gets" $2.50
65 people pay $25
Each one pays $0.38
Each one "gets" $0.38
25 people pay $0.00
Each one pays nothing
Each one "gets" nothing
But those 65 people see rich people getting "seven times the money I did for no good reason"
lujlp at March 30, 2016 8:29 PM
What sofar said. And the flip side of that: put some excitement back in your lives by doing some things together that neither of you have done before. Travel to some place you would not have thought of going to. Go to the local luxury-car dealership and look at the most expensive cars on the lot. Learn musical instruments and start a band. Take race driving lessons together. Start your own alternative news service. Learn to dance and do a dance competition.
Cousin Dave at March 31, 2016 7:15 AM
The relationship may be getting stale, but the sex itself should still be getting better after a year. You're still learning each other's likes and dislikes and how best to cater to them. Eventually it will level off and decline, but in my experience (with an admittedly small number of relationships) that takes more than a year or even two.
Rex Little at March 31, 2016 9:06 PM
Don't tell LW what happens when you have kids . . .
Ben at April 5, 2016 3:58 PM
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