Papa's Got A Brand New Hag
My boyfriend travels a lot, and when he's away, he wants to video call over FaceTime. Well, I look absolutely hideous on FaceTime, and I don't want to do it. And really, who doesn't look scary on FaceTime? Megan Fox? Scarlett Johansson? I get that he loves me and knows what I really look like, but I always feel depressed and self-conscious after I get off our video calls.
--FaceTime Hater
Of course it's what's on the inside that really counts, which is why men's magazines so often run glossy spreads of stout, good-hearted older women crocheting afghans for nursing home patients.
FaceTime should be renamed UglyfaceTime for what it does to a person's features, and especially to a woman's (in lumps, jowls, and eye baggery not apparent in photos). While the camera is said to add 10 pounds, FaceTime adds 10 miles of bad road. The good news: You look just like a movie star! The bad news: It's the zombie Orson Welles.
Friends will remind you that your boyfriend loves you and tell you you're being silly (read: shallow). Some will offer helpful suggestions, like "It's all about the lighting!" They aren't wrong. I suggest avoiding light entirely, like by FaceTiming from a dark closet. Another popular chant: "Wear concealer!" My recommendation: Le Burlap Bag Over Le Head.
Right now, countless readers are getting ready to email me to tell me I'm an idiot. (Hold your fire!) First, male sexuality is highly visual -- in a way female sexuality is not. And then there's what psychologists call "the contrast effect" -- how the attractiveness of someone or something changes, depending on the "neighborhood": how attractive or unattractive the nearby alternatives are. So, you could be an easy 8.5 in Smalltownville and come to Hollywood -- aka Mecca for every high school's golden-blondiest cheerleader -- and find yourself struggling to hang on to a 5.8.
The contrast effect even holds true for somebody we love. In research by evolutionary psychologists Douglas Kenrick and Steven Neuberg, when men in relationships were exposed to pictures of very attractive women, they perceived their partner as less attractive -- and (eek) felt less satisfied with and less committed to her.
Obviously, looks aren't all that matter. But sexual attraction naturally wanes over time. Best not to help it along with a "just keep your chins up!" attitude about FaceTiming. This isn't to say you should leave your boyfriend visually starved. You can keep him well-supplied with images of you that you can control: selfies.
These selfies could even be used for a "foreign correspondent" approach to FaceTime -- keeping the camera on a still photo of yourself (like when a CNN reporter is on an audio-only connection from a tent outside of Jalalabad). This will allow you to focus on your boyfriend instead of on another man -- one with the medical training to make your cavernous nasolabial folds look less like the place they'll find Jimmy Hoffa, your dad's coin collection, and three hikers who disappeared in 1976.
Maybe you need to ping him about this kind of expectation, and unravel where it is coming from... I find it astonishing hard to believe that he is saying this because it's a need.
But, I could totally find a guy doing it, because he thinks it's what YOU need.
I've known women that text 8 times a day while you are at work just to ask what you are doing, and I also know a guy that gets sent to the EU a lot... and MAN does his wife demand he skypes with her. So he dutifully gets everything set for an 8 hour difference, so they can chat.
Expectation is a strange thing, regardless if it's direct {I want} or indirect {I think you want} and talking fits the bill...
"I'd just rather talk on the phone... you know like we used to, until you made me fall asleep..."
or
"It's so uncomfortable to sit at a damn computer to talk, when I've sat at one all day... don'cha hate that too?"
Unless you are doing it right on the iphone.
Maybe he has a thing about seeing you, so send him pics or something, but find out where this need is coming from.
With all our ways of communicating, sometimes LESS is more... meanwhile, you'll prolly save a lot of money on bandwidth, cuz facetime is a lot of bandwidth.
This strikes me as being awfully insecure, so approach with caution.
SwissArmyD at April 26, 2016 5:20 PM
I take a lot of meetings this way. If you can't get out of it, here's my advice:
(I'll skip the lighting suggestions.)
You need distance between you and the device. Don't hold the phone in your hand and look down into it. If it's too close, your nose looks bigger (like when you look at your reflection in a Christmas ornament). Looking down also deepens folds in your face and makes ugly shadows.
Get a flexible iPhone tripod and put the phone in it, positioned on a surface where you're looking slightly UP at the screen. This is easier with a tablet or laptop, which already has something to prop it up and change the screen angle--so if it's possible, Skype from a laptop instead or use a tablet! If I'm feeling self conscious, I put the device on a few books to elevate it.
You want enough distance that your neck and shoulders also make it into the frame. Having my hands free makes the conversation more comfortable for me anyway.
Make sure the hair around your face is as smoothed as possible. Wispy, frizzy hair looks much worse on Facetime.
I have a co-worker who is absolutely gorgeous, and the first time I saw him on Facetime, I was like, "Who is that UGLY guy?" I've felt better since then.
Insufficient Poison at April 26, 2016 7:18 PM
Get a better camera. The typical built-in selfie cameras in phones, and a lot of webcams, use ultra-wide-angle lenses. Those thing make anyone's face look puffy and hideous. You want a camera that is more "telephoto" and that you can place farther away from you and your face still be visible. Professional photographers know not to use wide-angle lenses for portraits; telephoto lenses are more flattering to the face and the figure. There are webcams with a zoom capability.
Cousin Dave at April 27, 2016 8:00 AM
I do several videoconferences each week and the tips above are correct.
I would also add: no direct lighting, no bright windows behind you, and park yourself in front of something pleasant and flat - not the window that looks out on the county dump, for instance, or the stack of cardboard boxes in the spare room that serves as your office. You don't want the autofocus constantly moving.
Practice helps. Experiment with your setup and get some screen captures before you go live.
Every little bit helps and no, you will never be happy with how you look on video.
Bonus tip: he can 'screen capture' too, so don't get naked online.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at April 27, 2016 12:48 PM
I like Amy's idea of pointing the camera at a good-looking still photo while on Facetime. And if you can find a way to "Clutch Cargo" it and incorporate your real mouth into the photo, he may not even know something's up.
Fayd at April 28, 2016 8:19 AM
There are clip-on accessory lenses sold for mobile, that will make close-ups without distortion.
But for daily use, an angle where you are looking up into the lens will astound you with how much better the stock camera works.
BowlingAlong at April 28, 2016 10:26 AM
As someone living in the depths of France, and trying to communicate with family this way, my mobile phone makes me 'look ill' - thank you mother - whereas the tablet doesn't look too bad, so I would advise the op to check which gives the best 'view' before starting
CarolBT at May 1, 2016 1:49 PM
OK, first of all wear bright red or dark lipstick. Darker than you usually wear. The way the iphone registers the light bouncing off your face washes out your lips.
Make sure the camera is held high, looking down at you. If it is beneath you, it looks like you have a double chin even if you don't, and if you do, it looks a zillion times bigger. Also, with it above you, you can glance coyishly up at it. Also, he can look down your cleavage.
I like to pull my hair to the side so it tumbles down one shoulder, don't know how long yours is but experiment. Also say lots of stuff with double entendres.
NicoleK at May 6, 2016 11:32 AM
Methinks the LW is looking more for 'how do I get my BF to stop making this 'crazy' demand' rather than advice on camera angles and lighting.
She doesn't want to do it. That takes work and consideration. Much easier to try to change HIM.
FIDO at May 7, 2016 8:39 PM
https://i.ytimg.com/vi/0idWiHiasKg/hqdefault.jpg
Jane Jetson is on it
tmitsss at May 16, 2016 8:44 AM
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