Nice Boning Structure
I'm 25, and my boyfriend is 29. He is super-sweet, is a good person, and treats me really well. However, recently, he told my roommate that she has "nice cheekbones." I didn't say anything, but I think this was inappropriate. It's not like "I like your shirt" or whatever. It's about another woman's beauty. Can I tell him I don't want him complimenting other women in the future?
--Hurt
It says something when a man notices a nice view -- like that it's only a matter of time before he and that pretty orange sunset are sneaking out to his car to have sex.
Okay, it's possible that "nice cheekbones" is man-speak for "Those are some hypno-hooters you got there, honey." But maybe he was just trying to say something nice. Or maybe he was mesmerized in a bad way -- like "Whoa...are those forceps marks?" -- and he noticed her noticing and ducked for verbal cover.
As for why you find this upsetting, consider that our emotions aren't just feelings; they tell us what to do. The disturbing emotion of jealousy, for example, is what evolutionary psychologist David Buss calls a "coping device" for "mate retention" -- an alarm system that helps us guard against being cheated on. However, sometimes this alarm system can be a little oversensitive and in need of recalibration -- like the one at my parents' house that used to go off whenever my uncle cut one in the den.
In deciding whether you should say something, context matters. You describe your boyfriend as attentive, "super-sweet," and "a good person." If he isn't regularly jawing on about other women's looks, maybe it's a little premature to turn your relationship into a repressive regime. Model your free speech policy on that of Iran or North Korea and it's only a matter of time before you're in a date-night rut: "So...same old, same old...dinner and a cavity search?"
Jeezus, why can't we say ANYthing, nice or not, about another woman without getting flack over it? Most women will gauge a man's social skills by the positive attention he dishes out to people, and not just to his significant other. If a small compliment like "You have nice cheekbones" seems over the top, LW needs to dump his ass... so he can find someone not quite as insecure.
jefe at April 19, 2016 8:15 PM
What jefe said. The guy did nothing wrong - this girl is being insecure.
I trust Amy's personal comment to LW was more specific, because the answer here isn't very helpful.
a_random_guy at April 20, 2016 1:46 AM
So now we are reduced to 'I may or may not like something about you but council has advised me not to say.' And then you get accused of being mysterious.
Ben at April 20, 2016 6:47 AM
Yeah, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Before long he'll be chewing his food incorrectly, or blowing his nose too loudly, or breathing the wrong air. LW's going to be working overtime to correct all of his horrible character flaws.
bkmale at April 20, 2016 6:54 AM
She sounds just a tiny bit controlling.
asdfg at April 20, 2016 7:10 AM
Does LW work in HR?
MarkD at April 20, 2016 8:11 AM
LW is insecure and needs to work on that. You can't help how you feel, but you can help how you act. Insecurity and petty jealousy may just be part of who you are, but you can recognize you're over-reacting and move on.
I have a friend like this who is constantly in a tizzy when a boyfriend notices another woman exists. We were all at a bar once, and a waitress walked by with cool-looking blue and purple-dyed hair. My friend's boyfriend at the time was like, "Hey, cool hair!" And she asked me solemnly in the bathroom later whether she should "bring that up with him."
sofar at April 20, 2016 8:39 AM
I had a girlfriend like that once, getting on thirty years ago now. About drove me nuts, too, always on edge wondering what she was going to worry about next.
The thing the poor LW needs to realize is that her constant worrying about whether she measures up, or whether her boyfriend will be one hundred percent really and truly faithful, heart, mind, and soul, will pretty much guarantee he won't be. He won't be able to stand it.
Old RPM Daddy (Old RPM Daddy at GMail dot com) at April 20, 2016 8:48 AM
He's in a relationship, not dead. He's going to notice nice looking women, and how LW deals with it is going to make or break that relationship.
If he doesn't give her any real reason to suspect he's cheating, the proper response is to ignore it. Or, do what I would do and agree with him. "Yeah, super nice cheekbones! Lucky you!" That would show security and maturity, both attractive traits in one's SO.
Kat at April 20, 2016 10:50 AM
It's easy.
If you want to be with your date, keep your mouth shut about the attractiveness of others.
If you want to signal your date that he/she is on the 'B' list, compliment others on their attractiveness.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at April 20, 2016 12:35 PM
I would hate to be so insecure. My husband and I point out hot people to each other. We kinda know each other's type. We both have so called freebies.
There are certain things that are so in your face that you can't help but notice (purple hair, a woman displaying a significant amount of cleavage). Silly to pretend otherwise.
Katrina at April 20, 2016 2:34 PM
I never enjoyed dating women that commented on other guy's appearances.
It set off internal "WTF!" alarms unless she was a constantly complimenting type of person. In that case it became "background white noise".
I do agree that a general comment should be okay in a secure relationship.
I regularly ask my wife "Can I take her home?" which sometimes causes laughter, sarcasm, or a slap depending her mood.
Bob in Texas at April 21, 2016 8:02 AM
If you want to be with your date, keep your mouth shut about the attractiveness of others.
I think it depends on the type of comments being made.
Your partner saying stuff like this should be fine (unless you're insecure):
"Hey, nice shirt!"
"Did you dye your hair? It looks great."
"You have good bone structure, and that hairstyle looks flattering on you." (He's probably gay if he says this, though)
But these following things may be inappropriate (especially when said often):
"Woa! You look so sexy in that!"
"You have such a beautiful face."
"Damn! Love your legs!"
The former examples are totally non-sexual, while the latter examples are totally sexual.
sofar at April 21, 2016 8:13 AM
LW, if you do this, then the next time you see a nice car rolling down the street and make a comment about it, BF has every right to tell you: "You're not being faithful to me. You shouldn't notice any car other than my car."
Cousin Dave at April 21, 2016 9:53 AM
Well said Sofar. Unless he has some weird cheekbone fetish that was a pretty non-sexual comment.
Ben at April 21, 2016 6:48 PM
I had a wife who was furious any time I said anything complimentary about any woman I worked with. I learned never to mention them unless it was derogatorily. These episodes were so unpleasant that after a while I noticed that I was unwelcome in my home and unwelcome to my wife; she never displayed any of the normal, common indications of "like." It was a longer step to noticing that Miss Smith, at work, actually did seem to like me: interested in what I had to say, smiled broadly when I entered her office, came to consult me about work problems and stayed for what were (in those days) called conversations. After quite a long while (I was pretty dense), it came to be as Parker had said, "Nothing propinqs like propinquity."
So my first wife was right to go into full-blown harpy mode when I said Miss Smith seemed pretty sharp about some business matter or other. A mere two years of unending jealous bitchery later, I would prove her right.
Nowdays she's someone else's wife and may Heaven keep him healthy. And nowdays I don't do jealousy. At the first sign of it, it's the red Eject button.
Simon Kenton at April 23, 2016 5:13 PM
"Well said Sofar. Unless he has some weird cheekbone fetish that was a pretty non-sexual comment."
Ben, apparently you haven't been dating for a number of decades.
The low-impact yet subtle comment on beauty is an opening line, designed not to offend but to signal that you've noticed her - also that you're not a clumsy backwoods horndog who can only splutter "Great tits!" on your first meeting.
People enjoy compliments. If the LW's boyfriend complimented HER then she's aware of what he sounds like when he's probing for a response.
She may be paranoid, he may be clueless, or they might just be pushing each other's buttons - but in any case it doesn't take much self-awareness to edit yourself in front of your mate.
Which is more important, your freedom to blurt out whatever's on your mind anywhere at any time - or your relationship?
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at April 24, 2016 9:31 AM
Not yet a decade Gog, and if he is sniffing around her roommate right in front of her it is time to let him go and find someone else. In fact it doesn't really matter that much if he was or wasn't working on plan b. The fact that she thinks he was means she doesn't trust him and probably never will.
Though he could be working on a threesome. Swingers inviting in all have their own codes and phrases.
. . . The cheekbone thing works for you Gog? Seriously? And it's different than the shirt comment? I've seen guys get farther with a clothes compliment than a face structure one. Maybe it's a regional difference.
Ben at April 27, 2016 6:53 AM
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