The Frenzy Zone
I'm a woman just out of a 13-year relationship, and dating isn't going so well. My roommate says I need to stop blatantly pursuing men -- texting first, initiating plans, etc. -- and instead flirt, hang back, and "seem busy." That just seems so archaic -- starting a relationship on the manipulative premise of feminine game-playing. It's 2016. Why isn't authenticity appreciated?
--Forgive Me, I'm Real
Ideally, you'll make a guy ache with longing -- but more along the lines of "I wish she'd text me back" than "I wish she'd put down those binoculars and get out of my bushes."
In other words, you might rethink "authenticity" -- letting the true you (or rather, the truly impatient you) shine through. Consider acting like the more effective you, as you surely would for a job interview -- rather than showing up in sweats and bragging that your character reference is actually your pot dealer and that "Mr. Bradley," your "former employer," is the neighbor's Labradoodle.
Chances are you've been "blatantly pursuing" because, like many women, you confuse "equal" with "the same." However, there's substantial evidence from evolutionary psychology research that women evolved to be the choosier sex and that men co-evolved to expect this -- and see female aloofness as a sign of value. So a more productive strategy for you would be what social psychologist Robert Cialdini calls "the scarcity principle." Cialdini explains that the less available something is, the more we value and want it. Not because it's better. Because FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) and the regret we'd feel if we let that happen jack us into a motivational state -- a panic to get whatever's in short supply.
But don't take my word for it. For three weeks, try something new: flirting and waiting instead of chasing and pouncing. Ultimately, it's best to start a relationship on the premise that actually allows it to start -- coming off more like the appointment-only store with a single avant-garde dress than the kind with a big yellow sign in the window: "Everything in the store, $15, including the dog."
" -- texting first, initiating plans, etc. -- "
Might help if she waited until she knew they LIKED her as a person before trying to use her feminine wiles on them.
Doing otherwise suggests either hooking up or prostitution of some sort - marital, motherhood, or business (cue feminist whines).
Bob in Texas at April 13, 2016 6:04 AM
How come whenever I hear somebody talking about "authenticity," he or she is about to do something cringeworthy.
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at April 13, 2016 6:16 AM
It's never good to come across as desperate... Authentically desperate! Ha!
ahw at April 13, 2016 7:26 AM
My wife messaged me first. And that fine. But after a few dates we went back to the standard pattern. As others have said desperation doesn't come off well for either sex.
Also, I'd recommend finding a different source of dates. It looks like this well is dry.
Ben at April 13, 2016 1:52 PM
i think there comes a point in everyones life when you get tired of your pre-programmed mating bullshit.
then you realize you're a monkey living and wanting to be close with other monkeys and there is a reason the genders do the things they do (it's effective).
ppen at April 14, 2016 7:45 AM
Seeming busy (or better yet, BEING busy) and not being too pushy are best practices for both sexes. And work for things besides romantic relationships (like friendship).
If you suspect the guy needs a little nudge, maybe say something like, "Oh I've always wanted to try that hiking trail! If you want company, let me know the next time you go."
Then wait for him to bring it up.
Do NOT follow up by texting him, "So, when are we going hiking? What about this weekend? What about next weekend? Tell me when is convenient for you. Let's lock down a time."
sofar at April 14, 2016 1:12 PM
Here's how I've come to terms with this: I don't want to date someone whose top priority is dating, so I don't act like it's mine. If it IS mine, that tells me I need to work harder elsewhere.
Mary at April 15, 2016 6:56 PM
I agree with sofar.
I knew a young lady who, every time I met her, would mention 'a great place to visit' that I had never heard of.
It took a little while for me to parse out that what she meant was 'it was a great place to visit' WITH HER.
So a bit of tenacity is required.
But I am reminded of that book 'He's Not That Into You'. She is chasing a few of the wrong guys or there are factors she is not understanding or respecting.
So she needs to find some new targets.
FIDO at April 15, 2016 8:20 PM
"... texting first, initiating plans, etc. ..."
Just realized how OLD I am in that it did not hit me that she is using the phone numbers she gets to text the guys.
Why would guys give her their phone number if they did not want something from her (anything not just sexual favors).
I am truly old in that except for business reasons or dating I have never just given a woman my number.
So she is getting rejected/ignored by guys that have given her their number. Wow! She must be a really bad first date, have a very irritating character trait, or be very boring in the sack.
Bob in Texas at April 18, 2016 1:33 PM
Leave a comment