Amazing Graze
I've been married for seven years, and I'm cheating on my husband. I've heard that if you're cheating, it's because something's missing in your relationship. But my husband is fantastic. I love him. I just long for something new and different. Help.
--Torn
Marriage vows are annoyingly comprehensive. Take that "Forsaking all others..." thing. Do they really mean "allll others"? Even that hot guy in board shorts in Spin class?
There are people who are under the impression that life should be COMPLETELY FUN AND EXCITING AT ALL TIMES. We call them 5-year-olds. The grown-up view acknowledges that the typical day includes a good deal of bummer management and that choices in life require making trade-offs. Marriage, for example, gives you intimacy, security, and tax breaks -- with the downside that the nookie tends to lack the zing of boning some hot stranger in the self-help section at Barnes & Noble.
To understand how unfair you're being to your husband, don't just look at your cheating in sexual terms. You're doing what neuroeconomists and anthropologists call "free-riding" -- sucking up the benefits of a situation while ducking the costs. Meanwhile, if you get cancer and all of your hair falls out and getting to the toilet feels like the third leg of a triathlon, the man carrying you there will for sure be the one you meet for nooners at the motel.
As for what's missing, you have no motivation to heat up your marriage if you're getting your heat on the side. But a relatively new area of research -- embodied cognition -- finds that action drives emotion, meaning that if you keep acting loving and passionate, the feelings are likely to follow. You also jazz things up by being surprising and going a little crazy -- in good ways. As the country song goes, "Sing like you don't need the money ... dance like nobody's watchin'" -- but have extramarital sex like there's a private detective across the street with a lens the size of something NASA puts into space.
Did you mean to write ' for sure WON'T be the one you meet for nooners'?
Bjr at May 10, 2016 6:19 PM
He knows. He's in denial, but he knows.
Get tested.
Radwaste at May 10, 2016 7:53 PM
You dont love him, wait
Has he continually refused to have sex with you and refused to talk about why? Is he paralyzed from the waist down and incapable of having sex?
No, then you dont love him. You might like him a whole lot, you might love the money he earns that pays for the gifts you give your lover, but you dont love him.
lujlp at May 10, 2016 10:58 PM
Amy, quoting country-western: "...dance like nobody's watchin'..."
I did that recently. My court date is later this month.
Patrick at May 11, 2016 2:24 AM
I did that recently. My court date is later this month.
Well, I told you, the whole boxer-shorts-and-guacamole thing wouldn't go down too well in public!
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at May 11, 2016 5:28 AM
"Help", she says. More like "Help me justify my actions and allow me to feel OK about what I'm doing." There's some things missing from this relationship, all right. Things like honesty (with herself, mostly), integrity, compassion. I sense trouble ahead...
bkmale at May 11, 2016 5:46 AM
It's the biggest lie that most people will magically stop being attracted to others once they find true love.
More realistic is accepting that the passion may fade with your spouse and that you'll still find others attractive -- and deciding NOT to act on it. If you can't live that way, don't get married.
sofar at May 11, 2016 7:52 AM
"I just long for something new and different"
And destroying your marriage is the best you could come up with?
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at May 11, 2016 8:48 AM
Is this person over 25? 'Cause if she is, she's not changing. Cheaters are cheaters and cheaters don't change. Cheaters are selfish and they'll always find some excuse to justify their actions to themselves.
She needs to set her husband free and go back to being single. It doesn't hurt your cat if you bring home a new man every night.
Either that, or explore options like swinging or open relationships. But what she's doing right now is completely shitty, underhanded, and selfish. She's going to get caught, and she'll deserve whatever happens after that.
ahw at May 11, 2016 10:24 AM
"More realistic is accepting that the passion may fade with your spouse and that you'll still find others attractive -- and deciding NOT to act on it. If you can't live that way, don't get married."
If we ask this same question to the couples, who is about to get married, how many couples will change their minds and not to get married?
Zero.
None of us get married from the start thinking that we will cheat on our spouses someday. You simply just do not know how you will react on inevitable changes on you and your spouse in the future. When we must deal with the changes, most of us will take an easy way not the right way. That is what LW is doing it and I do not blame her.
Madame Bovary or Anna Karenina did the exact same thing as the LW. Their stories inspired the next generations as they were willing to screw someone and damn the consequences if that pleased her at the moment.
Feminism is the byproduct of these women, who were wiling to cheat on their husbands and put the emphasis on her happiness before her husband or her children.
chang at May 11, 2016 12:38 PM
"u simply just do not know how you will react on inevitable changes on you and your spouse in the future. When we must deal with the changes, most of us will take an easy way not the right way. That is what LW is doing it and I do not blame her." ~Chang
Nope. Plenty of us can tell right from wrong. LW is an adult. She is fully responsible for her actions.
Ben at May 11, 2016 2:11 PM
I disagree that she doesnt love him. I think there is this false idea that often floats around that if you truly love someone you wont do shitty things to them.
Love and being an ethical human being are two different things. Ethical people wont treat others this shitty even if they dont love them.
Havent any of you ever been loved by an awful human being? They love in their own manner which usually means it is love without loyalty or dependability. It is up to you to accept that so I'm with Rad, this husband knows already just choosing to live in la la land until either he getd an std, she falls for someone else, or she gets publicly outed. Prolly will end up forgiving her too ormaybe already has.
ppen at May 11, 2016 4:05 PM
Maybe he just got his garage set up just the way he likes and knows knows that he will never again be able to buy all that stuff ever again if he divorces her.
(At least that's what happened to his buddy so ...)
Bob in Texas at May 11, 2016 4:16 PM
"Prolly will end up forgiving her too ormaybe already has."
Why does he need to forgive her?
You cannot blame someone for acting her best interests based on her needs at the moment. Why is it so bad? Don't we, all, have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness?
If that bothers him, he can leave her, so others can screw her in the open. But there is nothing to forgive.
chang at May 12, 2016 4:50 AM
I live in a world where promises mean something. I'm sorry for those of you who don't.
MarkD at May 12, 2016 6:26 AM
"I live in a world where promises mean something."
In a nut shell, the promise is like this. Your wife carries your child (your DNA) and you make sure that child grows to be an adult,so that the child can do the same shit all over again.
You call that promise and I call it a scam or slavery. Some other people might call that love or relationship.
Your DNA (or parasite) is using you to catch the ride to the next generation, so they can live forever. You are just a simple tool in this grand scam and you are not even getting paid for it.
There is nothing holy about what you call "promise".
chang at May 12, 2016 7:08 AM
Like I said: Cheaters are selfish and they'll always find some excuse to justify their actions. Note chang's arguments above:
"You cannot blame someone for acting her best interests based on her needs at the moment. Why is it so bad? Don't we, all, have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness?"
That's a special kind of selfish, and justification. Promises mean nothing. It's all about me, me, me, and my "needs."
ahw at May 12, 2016 7:16 AM
Madame Bovary or Anna Karenina did the exact same thing as the LW.
Madame Bovary and Anna Karenina lived in a different time, when getting married as a woman (or not) was less of a choice. And it happened younger. And getting divorced meant financial and social ruin and no "shared custody" agreements regarding children.
I seem to recall Madame Bovary basically had her marriage arranged for her behind her back -- and the ball where Everything Changed was her first real exposure to the fact that she had other options and that her husband was kinda lame.
Now women can just ... not get married. Or, we can be upfront with our future spouses and have an open marriage. And we can end our marriages without devastating consequences.
It sucks being with someone and being in LOVE with someone else. I've been there. But regularly cheating on your spouse who is under the impression that your agreement for monogamy still stands (and is, accordingly, being faithful) is shitty.
sofar at May 12, 2016 8:00 AM
Well, you've certainly made your position clear Chang. I hope you will understand if most of us don't trust you. After all, your position is that promises don't mean anything and short term self interest trumps all other concerns. The responsible thing to do in that situation is to not make promises you cannot keep.
Also, sorry for the poor quoting. I didn't see the mistake till after I posted.
Ben at May 12, 2016 9:56 AM
"But regularly cheating on your spouse who is under the impression that your agreement for monogamy still stands (and is, accordingly, being faithful) is shitty."
Of course, it is shitty deal for you. But did you ask how was his experience until he got caught? What you are forgetting is that there is something called a different perspective.
Mother nature is not only a bitch but also a misogynist. While you are stuck with a child for nine months, SHE gave the males nine months to bail. All the fun without any responsibilities for the males.
So, the LW is turning the table on the Mother Nature. She is going to have all the fun without getting pregnant. And, if she does get pregnant, she will have a hard working cuckold husband, who will take care of her and her child. The LW finally got even to the bitchy Mother Nature.
The LW is hardly alone. My understanding is about 10 - 20 percent of children are raised by duped fathers.
chang at May 12, 2016 11:26 AM
chang has no moral compass.
ahw at May 12, 2016 11:29 AM
I think chang has a compass (maybe an angry one) and that it is true for him/her.
We may be assuming LW truly wants "help" but chang's point (assuming I've got the point) is that she's doing what she instinctively "knows" is right for her.
It's everyone else that is saying "that's so wrong" but it seems "so right" to her.
I think she has a personality disorder since she apparently doesn't specifically know why she is cheating.
Most cheaters can tell you pretty quick why they are cheating.
Bob in Texas at May 12, 2016 1:57 PM
"Havent any of you ever been loved by an awful human being? They love in their own manner which usually means it is love without loyalty or dependability."
Er, that's stretching the definition of the word. That can describe infatuation or desire, but not love. Love includes a reciprocal component. Without that, it's just will to power. The type of people you are describing are incapable of love.
Cousin Dave at May 13, 2016 6:31 AM
Of course, it is shitty deal for you. But did you ask how was his experience until he got caught? What you are forgetting is that there is something called a different perspective.
Why are you assuming the guy was the one cheating? And that I'd be the one getting the "shitty deal." Re-read my post. I was the one who cheated.
You seem to think women cheating is some brave subversion of gender roles and defiance of mother nature. We have effective birth control now -- it's not that hard for women to cheat without biological consequences.
If you make a mutual agreement with someone and then renege on your half while expecting them to continue their half, that's shitty. It's also shitty to renege on your half without telling them, "Hey by the way, I'm not doing this thing we promised anymore. So feel free to stop doing it as well if you don't want to."
sofar at May 13, 2016 7:58 AM
I hate the "he/she must already know" lie people trot out about spouses. Some of us don't go through life looking suspiciously at every thing our partner does. So no, we DONT know-at least, I truly didnt. And it damn sure would have been nice for one of our many "friends", who knew, to have told me so I could have left him sooner. Thank goodness we had no kids, I hope this couple doesnt.
I love how she says 7 years, like that's a long time. DH and I are at twice that, and it seems short. She needs to be honest, and let him either share in the "new buddies to fuck" fun, or leave to find a faithful wife.
momof4 at May 13, 2016 10:46 AM
"So no, we DONT know-at least, I truly didnt."
Same here. Eventually a relative happened to come across my (previous) wife at a bar with two other guys, and she clued me in. I've always been grateful for that -- it would have been easy to just ignore the situation.
And yeah, 21 years here. I learned a few things from my first marriage. I'm a lot better now at spotting the type of person that my ex was. I wish that some of the knowledge I have now, I'd had when I was 18.
Cousin Dave at May 13, 2016 12:26 PM
"It's also shitty to renege on your half without telling them, "Hey by the way, I'm not doing this thing we promised anymore. So feel free to stop doing it as well if you don't want to.""
So, did you tell him? Something tells me you did not.
If you did not, why should I listen to you?
What if I told you that I still love my husband and what he does not know will not hurt him? I just fuck some strangers once in a while to maintain my sanity. What if I told you that I do this to make money to pay for a trip to Paris with my lovely husband? What if I told you that I want to fuck around but I don't want my husband to fuck around because it is "shitty" deal for me?
What if I told you that this is my "plan to do
with my one wild and precious life?"
https://www.loc.gov/poetry/180/133.html
chang at May 13, 2016 2:56 PM
chang, you don't sound "happy" with your plan unlike the serial cheaters I've known who are comfortable in their own skin.
Good luck with your efforts to retain your sanity, and remember what someone said about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Bob in Texas at May 14, 2016 4:27 PM
Don't you just love living in the "new" world when individuals have no concept of personal honor like the LW. A persons word means nothing. All Dad had to have was a handshake on a mans word. No wonder we have so many lawyers.
Bus28 at May 15, 2016 6:37 PM
You could also negotiate for an open relationship. Maybe he'd enjoy that too (or maybe he's also cheating and afraid to say anything). If your response is "F--- that, I don't want him cheating on me!" or "No way, this is only hot and sexy if it's my dirty little secret," there's some useful data for the therapist you should be hauling your ass to pronto.
If on the other hand, you think, "Huh. That sounds neat, maybe I'll hustle on over to the Google and enter the term 'monogamish' and see what this Dan Savage guy has to say" . . . maybe this will hep you get your head around loving and/or having sex with more than one person without it being against your relationship's rules.
No, it's not for everyone, no I'm not one of those people who say "monogamy is totally unnatural, no one should do it." But, my husband and I have been monogamish for about 25 years, and it's working so far! No lies, no sneaking around, just lots of honesty hot sex with each other and, every so often, with someone else as well (either in a 3 or 4-some or, more usually, as our own thing).
Marriage (or other long-term romantic commitment) is the only place where we say, "You get one, and then if you like anyone else, you've got to get rid of the first one." I have more than one friend. My sister has 3 kids and I assume loves them all, not just the first one. I actually am quite fond of both my parents, even though I had that 9 months with my mom as my one and only. And so on.
Anathema at May 19, 2016 5:58 PM
Leave a comment