Free (Scared) Willy
I'm a woman with a high sex drive. My boyfriend and I live a long plane ride apart. Months can go by between visits. On our first day together, he typically has erectile dysfunction. The next day, everything's good. However, it's hard to not take the first day personally. After we're apart for a while, shouldn't he be raring to go?
--Concerned
A classic car that's been garaged for the winter can also be hard to start, but that probably isn't a sign that you need to lose a few pounds and sex up the undies.
Luckily for the car, it just needs a battery jump, not reassurance from the tow truck driver: "You've still got it, Impala!" For a man, however, first-day-back jitters can easily turn Mr. Happy into Mr. I Dunno What Happened. This occurs because emotions aren't just feeling-flavored thoughts; they have physiological underpinnings. Anxiety is a cousin of fear. The same area in the brain -- the amygdala -- sounds the alarm, chemically messaging your body to prepare it to fight or flee. Your body, in turn, shuts down processes not required for that, like digestion, and diverts blood flow where it's needed most: to your heart and the large muscles (in your arms and legs) that you'd use to hit back or run. (Sadly, the "third leg" does not count as an actual leg.)
The thing is, if your boyfriend doesn't feel pressured to put on a big show, the show might just happen. On your first day together, tell him that you just want to cuddle and reconnect -- and act like you mean it. Your overriding goal should be making him feel comfortable -- though not the way an ER nurse would, by cutting off his jeans while he's asleep with a big pair of surgical scissors.
I'm just enjoying the crickets chirping from all the dudes on this one.
gooseegg at May 31, 2016 8:36 PM
There's not much to add, other than a request for name and address and when it would be convenient to stop by from the "sporting gent"...
Performance anxieties are many, and one of them is, "how many have been here lately, and how far back in line am I this time?"
Radwaste at May 31, 2016 11:27 PM
ED happens, sometimes for stupid reasons. Like: "I really, really don't want to disappoint her" ...so... you do.
A lack of pressure from her will help. So will a couple of glasses of wine.
Also, he can pleasure her in other ways on that first day.
a_random_guy at June 1, 2016 2:23 AM
Performance anxiety (with extra anxiety sauce on top because he's embarrassed)!
In my 20s a notorious stud in my social circle set his sights on me, but I blew him off because my mind was on another guy at the time. Also I figured I'd just become another notch in the guy's belt. My novel rejection enflamed his ego, and he commenced an obsessive, Gaston-like courtship of me that carried on over two years, with both of us thriving on the sexual tension. Our friends' constant commentary on the cat and mouse game exhilarated us both.
He professed passionate love for me. He was hot.
So finally I just went for it, and we made out all over my apartment in a frenzy, and I expected sex to culminate in explosive orgasms for both of us, in short order.
But he couldn't "keep it up." We'd built up the event so much, the pressure was killing his ability to get hard. He was of course mortified. I told him he didn't have to be and made sure to keep my demeanor casual and unconcerned. I didn't know a LOT about men, but I knew freaking out would just make it worse.
NOTE: I am glad we just stopped and watched TV, instead of him trying to get me off while he was feeling awful.
A couple of days later we tried again at his house and had sex seven times in one day--my personal record by far. The relationship didn't survive the long haul, but we stayed friends, and even now, privately, he'll occasionally ask me if I remember that time we--
"--had sex seven times on one day? YES."
Insufficient Poison at June 1, 2016 6:11 AM
From the brilliant British sitcom Coupling: "The Melty Man."
Insufficient Poison at June 1, 2016 6:20 AM
Is he flying to her, or is she flying to him? In the former case, he may be a little tired out from traveling. LW might want to let him rest a little bit longer.
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at June 1, 2016 8:46 AM
It's like this: Say you spend several months walking and riding a bike everywhere you go. And then you get into a race car. Your first few laps, you're going to be nervous as hell and the laps won't be very good. You might spin out or even crash. Then it starts to feel better, and after a while, you're clicking right along and turning fast laps. But then the race is done and for the next several months, you're back to walking and bicycling. Then you get into a race car again... The cycle repeats. Because you aren't getting frequent enough practice to keep reinforcing what you've learned, the cycle is going to keep repeating until enough time has gone by that you're a veteran at it. Eventually you'll get to where you can just jump in the car and go, no matter how long it's been since your last race, but that will take a while.
Cousin Dave at June 1, 2016 9:14 AM
At this point you'd think they would have figured out what works for day 1 and what doesn't.
It's not a "new" situation anymore. Buy a rabbit and a cheerleader costume, have some more wine, SCORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bob in Texas at June 1, 2016 3:37 PM
Too much pressure, I imagine
NicoleK at June 9, 2016 5:09 AM
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