The Mummy's Cursor
I'm a woman in my 20s, and female friends and I find that, generally speaking, once a guy gets into a relationship, his texting dwindles into brief news bites, like "fell asleep!" or "phone died." Why do men seem to lose interest in chatting by text like I do with my girlfriends? Are men just less feeling than women?
--Annoyed
Who says men aren't emotional? "I don't wanna talk about it!" is an emotion.
But actually, the male brain is not the emotional dead zone many women suspect it to be, with a few tumbleweeds and a Doritos bag blowing through in place of feelings. In fact, neuroscientist Tor Wager reviewed 65 brain imaging studies and found that men's brains aren't any less responsive to emotional stimuli than women's.
However, women do tend to be more emotionally expressive. This difference makes sense, as women evolved to be the caregivers of the species -- tending to the needs of babies (who typically require a more nurturing response than "Bring it, bro!"). Men, on the other hand, evolved to be the warriors of the species -- competing for the alpha dog spot by clubbing a rhino or the most hombres from another tribe. This has had an effect on how men express themselves. As sex differences researcher Joyce Benenson explains, when you're a warrior, revealing your feelings -- like having a good cry on the battlefield -- puts you at a disadvantage. (Kind of like going out in a T-shirt with a big arrow and "Your spear here!")
Conversationally, where men and woman differ is in why they talk and what they talk about. Linguist Deborah Tannen describes male versus female styles of communication as "report" versus "rapport." In short, while women use conversation (including texting) as a form of bonding, for men, it's a tool. And just like other tools, men use it as needed. As my boyfriend put it, "you bring out the wrench when you have a loose nut; you don't go around looking for nuts to fasten. Also, afterward, you put the wrench away; there's no 'Let's us boys get together and explore how we feel about wrenches.'"
This explains why many guys text more in the chase phase, when they need to "talk chick," to a degree, to reel you in. Once they have you, they fall back to what's more natural for them -- texting merely to say stuff like "late!" or "w/get wine" (the SMS form of grunting). But this should simply be seen as a different style of communicating, not a deficient one. You judge whether a man cares about you by the sum of his actions, not by his pointer finger action. And besides, if you demand that he text you like a woman, he's within his rights to expect you to act like a man -- by carrying his luggage like a pack mule while he totters behind you in heels or by chasing a mugger while he stands on the corner crying softly and hoping you'll come out of it alive.
Women and cell phones, gawdamighty! I swear, cellphones are the worst thing that's happened to women since... I dunno, name something.
My tirade is about women all sporting cellphones in their back pockets... Don't their mommies tell them that is THE WORST place to carry it? Not only does a cellphone put out the same rf emission as standing across the street from a cell tower... Not only do the repair people make a bundle replacing broken screens because they've been sat on, but those batteries can dump a load of current when they short out, turning the phone into a molten mass of plastic-- in your pocket, mind you.
How many dames have lost their phones to pickpockets? That phone is like money hanging out of her back pocket, with the added bonus of her nude selfies likely to show up online right after.
None of this matters to even an educated woman, or teeange girl, because what REALLY matters is that COOLNESS feeling that she gets from having that gadget peeking out for everyone to see. It's a self esteem crutch, in other words, it's just not the same carrying it in a perfectly good purse. The phone connecting to all their friends (and guys trying to call and getting nothing but voicemail) provides VALIDATION!
Few men fall prey to this need. Plenty know how to feed women's need for validation, though.
I'm predicting that in twenty years, we're going to have a whole generation of women being treated for butt cancer.
Rant over.
jefe at May 17, 2016 8:11 PM
jefe +1
Bob in Texas at May 18, 2016 5:46 AM
"you don't go around looking for nuts to fasten."
Actually there is a group of guys who do that. I have one in my house. He is called a three year old. And we are all looking forward to the day he stops hammering, unscrewing, and refastening everything he can get his hands on.
Ben at May 18, 2016 5:48 AM
Back pocket? Anyone who knows anything knows that one's cell phone belongs nestled safely in the sports bra ... sheesh!
BeccaB at May 18, 2016 5:48 AM
OK, I hang out with a lot of women (and am one) and I can't think of a single one of us who keeps their phone in their back pocket. Phone goes in the purse. We wear tight pants -- how is an iPhone 6 gonna fit? Most of the time we're wearing leggings as pants anyway (no pockets). And it's about to be summer -- no pockets in dresses and skirts. I literally can't think of a single girl I know who would put a chunky phone on their butt as a "coolness symbol." Men are far more likely to have the phone in the pocket -- the front pocket. So I see your "butt cancer" and raise you thigh and/or ball cancer.
Also, among my age group, having a phone isn't a "coolness" symbol anymore. I'll give you the "social crutch" thing, but I think playing with our phones in public has more to do with not wanting to be bored ever, instead of wanting to appear "cool." Our moms play with their phones in public too -- clearly, it's not about looking cool anymore.
And, yes, while women are more likely to get embroiled in long group text conversations (guilty!), men are more likely to take out their phones and scroll through their social media feeds and click on dumb articles and chuckle in monotone to themselves instead of focusing on the people right in front of them. It's basically the modern-day version of saying "Uh huh, uh huh," with one eye on the TV above the bar.
Rant over :)
sofar at May 18, 2016 7:58 AM
Yeah to all that talk about male/female differences, tho' all that battle-bro psychobabble is just so much bullshit. Men are men for lots of reasons. Hardly any of them hunt or do battle.
But before you crack open XY heads and examine the contents, you might want to examine the physicality of male phone use.
I hate my cell phone. I can't see ANYTHING that interests me on that small screen. More importantly, my fingers are too big for that idiot keyboard some tiny-fingered engineer dreamed up. Texting for me involves hitting the wrong key about four times out of five.
Anything I actually want to do on line I can do on my desktop on a keyboard. Even the keyboards on pads are annoying - I have to watch them as I type.
I don't carry my phone around - I can't stand the constant doodle-doodle noises. Makes it hard to concentrate. I can't hear someone speaking on the phone unless I hold it just right. If the damned thing rings while I'm around, I answer it. I'll give it this - it takes messages like a champ.
Must be a day for rants, but I don't think I'm alone in this.
minos at May 18, 2016 9:07 AM
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3594439/Newlywed-husband-divorces-wife-hours-ceremony-busy-texting-friends-sex-wedding-night.html
snort
Bob in Texas at May 18, 2016 4:07 PM
"None of this matters to even an educated woman, or teeange girl, because what REALLY matters is that COOLNESS feeling that she gets from having that gadget peeking out for everyone to see. It's a self esteem crutch, in other words, it's just not the same carrying it in a perfectly good purse."
Actually it's about drawing attention to your backside. Slightly different self-esteem crutch.
Insufficient Poison at May 19, 2016 10:54 AM
Pictures sofar, pictures
lujlp at May 19, 2016 2:06 PM
Sofar-- I want to hang out with your friends. Maybe it's just the part of the country I'm in, but I see phones in back pockets all the time... except at the riding stable, because riding britches don't have back pockets.
Ditto Yoga pants, which I happen to enjoy seeing.
jefe at May 19, 2016 2:42 PM
The Saudis figured out how to stop women from texting and driving: They made it illegal for women to drive. I'm betting they knew, women would more easily give up driving than their cellphones.
jefe at May 19, 2016 2:50 PM
I was visiting a foreign country with my SO. At the table next to us was a BF and GF...and each was looking into their cell phones, rapt expressions as the only thing they shared at the time was a meal and a check. No conversation.
I pointed this out to Sweetie and wondered at this. It is not only a foreign phenomena alas.
So a pox on both your genders! Whether it is a guy chuffing as he looks at 'Boobs Gone Wild' or her sending out a mass text dump regarding her shoes, her menes, and how bored she is (right across the table from the BF) I don't think either one has any room to rant.
Drops Mic
FIDO at May 19, 2016 4:11 PM
Wait, womens' clothes have back pockets? Jeez, my husband would be thrilled if I ever wore clothes with pockets because it drives him nuts that I turn my phone's ringer off and leave it on my desk or in my bag all day, ignored. Nobody tell him there's a way to keep the damn thing on my body (okay, I know jeans have pockets, but I wear them tight enough that it's look stupid to have a phone in them. Plus, I sit at a computer much of the day, so obvs that wouldn't work.)
These mythological "women" with "pockets" in their "pants" are a strange and exotic concept to me. But I don't think I'll be joining their ranks anytime soon. Sounds uncomfy.
(To be fair, I have zipped a phone into the waistband pocket of running tights for long runs, but then I turn it to "do not disturb" so no one can call and disturb my very important listening to crappy dance music for a few hours!).
Anathema at May 19, 2016 5:46 PM
Everything you say about texting was true for talking, in the days before cell phones. My late father, a psychologist, used to relate how a little boy once summarized that particular sex difference: "Girls talk. Boys play."
Rex Little at May 19, 2016 10:58 PM
Why do men seem to lose interest in chatting by text like I do with my girlfriends?
Her lament (to borrow from My Fair Lady): Why Can't a Man Be More Like a Woman?
JD at May 19, 2016 11:15 PM
I agree with sofar. I work with a large group of both women and men. I've never seen a single woman keep a phone in her back pocket. And the men have their phones out and are using them every bit as much as the women.
Lizzie at May 21, 2016 3:56 AM
I like going to Best Buy to look at smart phones and then telling the sales person I don't have one.
They get a real funny look on their face and sometimes ask why. I usually say I'm old, don't travel out of town often, know where my favorite restaurants are, and don't like paying for Internet service twice (home and phone).
I do know a friend that might still be in Germany waiting on a rescheduled flight if she had not had her smart phone so ...
Bob in Texas at May 21, 2016 6:07 AM
Lizzie: And the men have their phones out and are using them every bit as much as the women.
I commute to work via light rail in Seattle (Seattle has only one light-rail line, which runs from the airport through downtown to the U. of Washington) and, since I'm never staring at my smart phone (because I don't have one), I have the opportunity to observe people. My observations square with yours: I don't see any difference in usage between men and women. 75-80% of both seem to be absorbed in their phones. The people I get a kick out of are those who will put their phone in their pocket (or someplace else of out sight) and then, after a brief pause, immediately pull it out again as if, as much as they may try, they can't bear to be without it for even a short time.
JD at May 21, 2016 1:30 PM
Really jefe: Let's talk RF radiation - not all radiation causes cancer and RF (radio frequency) does not! It is not "ionizing" radiation, in other words the energy is too low to break apart DNA (lower than visible light, you start having cancer risk at UV radiation which is greater energy than visible light). The future of our butts are safe...at least from cancer via cell phone.
Maria Herd at May 28, 2016 2:40 PM
@"Why do men seem to lose interest in chatting by text"
Because it's a painful and annoying way of communicating?
@JD "My observations square with yours: I don't see any difference in usage between men and women"
Hm, I'm surprised by this, but women indeed seem to spend only a very small percentage more time on their phones than men:
http://marketingland.com/report-apps-now-90-percent-smartphone-internet-time-76257
Lobster at June 13, 2016 10:52 AM
Leave a comment