What You Seethe Is What You Get
My boyfriend of a year used to fly into rages. He and his ex had huge, ugly screaming fights. He now uses "mental tricks" to stay calmer. Obviously, rage is a bad thing, but it's also a passionate thing. Is it crazy to worry that he doesn't care enough about me to get really angry?
--Fretting
When the cops come to the door, it usually isn't to say, "Your neighbors called and said they heard you loving each other really loudly."
Rage isn't a sign of love; it's a sign of bad emotion management. Research by doctor and behavioral neuroscientist Emil Coccaro finds that people who are prone to angry outbursts -- responding to every slight like somebody just nuked Rhode Island -- have exaggerated activity in part of the brain called the amygdala. This is a set of lima bean-sized structures that basically work as a security guard, identifying threats (or potential threats). As neuroscientist Joseph LeDoux explains it, the amygdala makes a "quick and dirty" assessment that danger is afoot -- before rational thought can get involved -- and releases chemical messengers to get us to leap into action, as in, "DO SOMETHING BEFORE YOU DIE!"
But because the amygdala is an evolutionarily ancient structure -- one we share with sheep and hamsters -- it's not all that discerning. In fact, it makes a lot of mistakes. That's because our chances of survival are better if we jump out of our skin at a rustling in the leaves that turns out to be nothing -- rather than being all, "Yeah, that could be a deadly poisonous snake, but I'm not letting it get in the way of a good bong hit." Still, socially, a hypersensitive amygdala can pose problems -- like our going all "Kill Bill" on somebody's ass when they, oh, graze our arm reaching for a coffee lid.
Chances are that what your boyfriend has learned to do through these "mental tricks" is redirect his attention from the amygdala to the newer, thinkier "frontal" parts of the brain. Yes, your brain is about as easily fooled as Aida, my 6-pound Chinese crested. The vet holds out a treat in one hand so Aida won't get hopped up about the other -- which is en route to her butt with the same size thermometer they use on the Great Dane.
Your boyfriend's newfound cool is a sign -- showing that he gets that rage is to problem-solving as a chain saw is to hangnail eradication. Of course, many people realize that they're doing something totally counterproductive -- and remain all pedal to the metal down Stupid Avenue instead of investing the effort your boyfriend did (and does) to respond differently. As for the notion that his not blowing his top means he doesn't care about you...right. Nothing says you've got the lukewarmies for somebody like treating them with love, patience, and respect instead of giving in to your initial impulse to stab them in the neck with a fork.
Before all of y'all harp on LW.
That rage is alluring to alot of women who grew up ignored in a dysfunctional household. Anger is attention and it is nice to have someone who feels so passionately about you they get that level of angry. When someone is "nice" to you in a dysfunctional household it usually means they are barely paying attention to your existence.
The reason I know this is because my sister loves rage-y men. She consistently dumps great guys for men with anger problems. Her words are exactly like LW's, patient guys = boring, angry guys =passionate. In my family anger meant someone was actually aware of your existence.
Ppen at May 31, 2016 5:52 PM
Ditto Ppen... Read Sandra Brown's "Women Who Love Psychopaths". The title says it all.
jefe at May 31, 2016 7:35 PM
"Is it crazy to worry that he doesn't care enough about me to get really angry?"
No, of course not. You might want to hurry things along a bit by gaslighting him, maybe go through his mail and messages and accuse him of cheating, criticize something he's sensitive about, maybe call his mother a naughty nickname like "the whore who spawned this loser" (but make sure to really laugh in his face when you do).
Because it's exciting going to the hospital with shattered vertebrae and then seeing your man on the other side of a plexiglass cage on alternate Tuesdays. SOOOO hot. Keep your love alive. You know what you need better than anyone!
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at May 31, 2016 8:11 PM
Gods, yes. Some people refer positively to these types of relationships--cyclical violent arguments followed by violent lovemaking--like they're an acceptable flavor of a healthy arrangement. Like it's just how passionate people are.
To me it's like repeatedly punching holes in a wall, patching over them, repeating ad infinitum. You're never really restoring the wall to its pre-pummeled state.
Legendary lovers with these types relationships generally met a bad end, and did not end up together as happily married older couples.
Insufficient Poison at June 1, 2016 6:36 AM
"Because it's exciting going to the hospital with shattered vertebrae..."
But... but... restraining orders prevent that sort of thing from happening! Don't they?
Cousin Dave at June 1, 2016 9:04 AM
His secret is, he's always angry.
Hulk SMASH!
Red at June 1, 2016 3:07 PM
Ppen: The reason I know this is because my sister loves rage-y men. She consistently dumps great guys for men with anger problems.
So how's that working out for her?
JD at June 1, 2016 7:16 PM
Obviously, rage is a bad thing, but it's also a passionate thing.
True. Consider O.J. Simpson. Imagine how passionate -- deeply, fiercely passionate -- he felt about Nicole as he sliced her to pieces. Sigh. So romantic.
JD at June 1, 2016 7:21 PM
What You Seethe Is What You Get
Another good one (among countless others), Amy. When it comes to wordplay, you truly are a goddess.
JD at June 1, 2016 7:32 PM
"Imagine how passionate -- deeply, fiercely passionate -- he felt about Nicole as he sliced her to pieces."
This is a wonderful example of two elements of confusion having a commonality!
Many people who merely watched television think that they saw evidence.
They did not. People think they have as they try to assume control in their personal explanation of events - it's essentialy selfish.
Many people in abusive relationships confuse violence with passion, thinking that violence is a manifestation of love.
It is not, because it is selfish. The person committing the violence is satisfying their own need, not that of the object of their attention.
Radwaste at June 8, 2016 2:38 PM
His being calm is a sign that he cares enough about you to work on getting his shit together. Or, that he has grown up a bit.
Either way a good thing
NicoleK at June 9, 2016 5:07 AM
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