My boyfriend and I just moved in together, and it's going well, except for how he leaves empty containers and trash everywhere. I asked him to please just put these in the garbage. He did this -- for a single day. These empties everywhere are driving me crazy, not because I mind picking them up but because I feel disrespected. It's weird, because he's otherwise sweet and attentive.
--Exasperated
That used Q-tip is only a collectible if he used to be Elvis.
Of course, because your eyes go right to the empty cans and fast-food carcasses, you're thinking his must, too. Maybe -- but maybe not. Psychologists Irwin Silverman and Marion Eals contend that men and women evolved to have differing spatial abilities, corresponding with the sexual divisions of labor -- men as hunters and women as gatherers (of salad and appetizers).
Experiments by Silverman, Eals, and others support this theory. Men have more distance-oriented visual and navigational abilities, which would have been useful for tracking prey across a big plain: "Yo, bros, I believe that's dinner!" Men also excel at "mental rotation" -- turning objects around in their minds -- which would have helped them land a spear in a moving four-legged dinner entree before it got away.
Women, on the other hand, do far better (sometimes 60 to 70 percent better) on tests of "object location memory" -- remembering objects and their placement in a setting. This ability for noticing and recalling detail would have helped them remember wee landmarks pointing back to where to find those yummy grubs. (It's less helpful with a boyfriend who waits to toss trash until it requires a backhoe.)
The fact that your boyfriend tidied up upon request suggests he cares about your feelings. His doing that only once maybe just means it isn't a habit. Habits -- behaviors we do pretty automatically -- get ingrained over time through repeated action. They are triggered by cues in our behavior and environment. Unfortunately, for him, the action of throwing back, say, the last drop of Mountain Dew has been associated not with slam-dunking it into the wastebasket but with leaving it on the coffee table for the archeologists to find.
You could try to help him make the trash-trashcan association, maybe by one day tacking notes on the empties -- like "Hello, Mr. Archeologist. I was enjoyed in 2016." The reality is that he may not always remember, in which case you should remind yourself that a guy who's otherwise "sweet" and "attentive" isn't leaving the mess to mess with you. You and he can also figure out ways he can do his part around the house (washing the cars, bringing in the garbage bins, etc.) so you can pick up after him with a laugh instead of loathing. Someday, you two may bring new life into the world, but it shouldn't be a mystery fungus inside a Chinese food container that got kicked under the bed.
My girlfriend of two years seems to be gradually moving me out of her life. Seeing her two or three times a week has dwindled into maybe once -- and no overnights. She'll meet me at the movies and then ditch me afterward, saying she's got a bunch of things to do. She denies anything's wrong, claiming she's just "very busy." I think there's more to it.
--Left Hanging
It seems you're right; she's really looking forward to your dates -- the way a cow looks forward to a personal tour of the slaughterhouse.
People talk about what a high falling in love is, and they aren't wrong, because their body's basically in the throes of a biochemical drug binge. University of Pisa psychiatrist Donatella Marazziti looked at blood samples of people who'd been madly in love for less than six months and found that they had serotonin levels comparable to people diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Luckily, obsessively having sex is more fun than obsessively washing your hands.
Falling in love also alters testosterone levels -- though differently in men and women. Men's drops -- making them more cuddlywuddly -- and women's goes up, increasing their interest in sex. Unfortunately, this increased interest is temporary. Marazziti found that T levels went back to normal between the one- and two-year mark -- which is when the feeling "We're perfect for each other!" can start to be replaced by "We're perfect for other people."
This may be how she's been feeling. To get an answer -- beyond knee-jerk denials that anything's wrong -- email her. Ask her whether you two have a problem, and tell her to take a couple of days to think about it. Upon reflection, she should either decide to try to fix things or break up with you -- and not in a way that mimics continental drift.
My boyfriend "loves women." When we're out, he'll check out and comment on every hot girl. I get that he's just "appreciating their beauty," but it makes me feel really bad -- angry and insecure. How can I get him to stop? Why does he need to do this? I sure don't.
--Unhappy
Like the "g" in "gnarly-ass dickhead," the "Whoa...wouldya look at the Humpty Dumplings on her!" is supposed to be silent.
You might take your boyfriend's babe-ernecking less personally if you recognize that male sexual attraction is visually driven in a way female attraction is not -- which is why strip clubs catering to men are big business while those for women are largely a bachelorette party novelty. Sure, women like a nice view if they can get it, but if they have to make a trade-off, they're likely to go for the weak-chinned self-made gazillionaire.
This is reflected in research by anthropologist John Marshall Townsend. He showed men and women photos of hotties and homelies of the opposite sex, dressed in either a Burger King uniform or biz exec-wear and a Rolex. When he asked which they'd go for, men were indifferent to how the woman was dressed -- picking the hottie no matter what she was wearing. Women, on the other hand, went for the homely business dude, and tended to nix even a hookup with the hot hamburger helper.
There are also some indications that, just by looking at those on the babe squad, parts of the male brain's reward circuitry get activated in ways women's do not. In brain imaging research on both male and female subjects, cognitive scientist Jasmin Cloutier found that only men looking at photographs of hotties got the lights turned on in the orbitofrontal cortex -- part of the brain that's thought to suss out potentially rewarding stuff on our horizon and give us a "Yoo-hoo! Over here!"
Reward circuitry aside, there's "window shopping" and then there's "window announcing." Though -- sorry, ladies -- all men look, the kind, loving ones don't get caught (and especially don't marvel aloud). In other words, what's worrisome about your boyfriend's behavior is what it says about the kind of partner he is to you. When somebody loves you, they want to make you feel good -- not like you're comparing poorly to half the female pedestrians jiggling down the sidewalk.
The way to approach this is to explain how much this behavior hurts your feelings. As the father of behavioral economics, Adam Smith, noted, evoking somebody's empathy tends to motivate them to try to make things better. Telling them what to do, however, tends to backfire, leading to cries of "Vive la revolution!"
As for how you'd like things to change, let your boyfriend know that you just don't want to see him gaping or hear about it. Okay, he appreciates women as these moving pieces of art. Museums are quiet. Men aren't yelling at the Mona Lisa, "Hey, girl, I'll give you something to smile about!" Likewise, in a relationship, there are legit cries for help, but one of them is not "Help, I've fallen down her cleavage, and I can't get up!"
I know my boyfriend's into me, and he's generally very loving, but I get far more compliments about how I look from guys I'm not dating. How do I get my boyfriend to let me know that he likes the view?
--Uncomplimented
There's a reason that the Miss World pageant lacks a mathematics category, in which contestants come out smiling and waving and then do one of the world's great unsolved math problems in their head: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, we'll watch as Miss Uruguay proves that the 196-algorithm does not terminate when applied to the number 196."
Obviously, beauty isn't everything. In fact, according to research by economist Jeremy Greenwood, a smarty-pants, highly educated guy is more likely than ever (compared with, say, 1960) to require his bride-to-be to be similarly smarty-pants and highly educated. What hasn't changed is male sexual desire. Because it's intensely visual, it's reassuring for a woman to hear that the way she looks is driving a guy wild -- as opposed to driving him to pluck his eyes out with barbecue tongs.
Men like to know they're making a woman happy -- or at least how they might have some hope of that. So, put it in those terms: "Baby, you know what I'd love...?" rather than "Buddy, you know how you're failing me...?" (Gently remind him until he gets in the habit.) A positive approach like this tends to be the most effective, tempting as it may be to hint that noncompliance will lead to severe sanctions: "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, if you ever want a blow job again, you'd better say something nice about my outfit."
I'm a guy in my late 20s. Two years ago, I started a friends-with-benefits thing with a woman, which honestly has turned into one of the most relaxed, comfortable relationships I've had. Unfortunately, the sex isn't that great. I've tried to get her to work with me on that, but she just isn't very physical. I also get the sense that she's holding out for a serious relationship with me (babies/marriage/house). I'm just not in love with her that way. I don't want to hijack her uterus, but I'm having trouble breaking up with her. The relationship isn't broken, and I don't want to hurt her. I'm not sure I have it in me to say, "You're bad in bed, so I'm out."
--Shallow
Surely, you wouldn't find the bunny-hugging vegan "shallow" for not being up for the long haul with the guy who electrocutes the cows.
The rational decision is clear: You don't have what you need; you should move on. The problem is what the late Nobel Prize-winning cognitive scientist Herbert Simon deemed "bounded rationality." This describes how our ability to make rational decisions is limited -- by, for example, incomplete information about our alternatives, how much time we have to decide, or, as in your case, our emotions: dreading hurting somebody and feeling like kind of a pig for dumping a perfectly nice woman just because her sexual spirit animal is the paperweight.
Simon didn't just point out the decision-making problem; he came up with a solution -- his concept of "satisficing." This combo of "satisfy" and "suffice" means making a "good enough" choice -- as opposed to incurring the costs of endlessly searching for the best choice. (Think of somebody who spends an hour looking for the primo parking space by the store entrance -- in order to save time walking to and from their car.)
To decide what's "good enough," figure out the minimum stuff (good sex, etc.) that you absolutely must have to be satisfied in a relationship, and keep searching until you find somebody who has it. Forget about what you "should" need. If your life is not complete unless a woman will, say, wear a doorbell on each nipple, well, ring on, bro.
As for breaking up, this means telling somebody it's over, not that their sexual technique is a ringer for hibernation. Give her only as much info as she needs to make her way to the door, like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you, and I need that." Though she won't be happy to hear it, what's cruel isn't telling her; it's waiting to tell her. As that mildewed saying goes, "if you love something..." don't hang on to it until its uterus sends you to the drugstore for a box of mothballs.
Last week, I went out with a guy I met on a dating site. He was very attentive and affectionate, and he even texted me the next day. Well, I think I screwed up, messaging him at the same frequency and intensity as before our first date, which was quite a lot, and mentioning seeing him again before he suggested it. His responses were infrequent and short. I haven't heard from him for five days, and he hasn't made plans for a second date. Is there any way to remedy this? Should I message him with some witty banter?
--Faux Pas?
Sadly, our genes have not been introduced to Gloria Steinem.
As I frequently explain, there's a problem with a woman overtly pursuing a man, and it goes back millions of years. It comes out of how sex leaves a man with about a teaspoon less sperm but can leave a woman "with child" (an adorable term that makes pregnancy sound like a quick trip to the drugstore with someone under 10). From these rather vastly differing costs, explain evolutionary psychologists David Buss and David Schmitt, come differing sexual strategies. Women evolved to be the choosier sex -- looking for men to show signs they're willing and able to commit themselves and their resources -- and men coevolved to expect to work to persuade them. So, when women turn the tables and act like the, well, chase-ier sex, it sends a message -- of the "FREE!!! Please take me" variety you'd see taped to a toaster somebody's put out on the curb.
In other words, no, do not contact him. Not even with "witty banter." Seeming amusingly desperate is not any more of a selling point. The way you "remedy" this is by turning it into a learning experience. In the future, sure, go ahead and be flirtatious -- just not with the, um, eagerness of that guy in the hockey mask chasing people through the woods with a machete.
I'm a happily married 30-year-old woman. A co-worker pointed out a senior trainer at work constantly sneaking lustful glances at me. I was later assigned to his section. We quickly became close friends, and he began mentoring me. He's married, too, with two children, so though we were extremely flirtatious, nothing inappropriate ever happened, and I told my husband about him. Recently, there were rumors that this man and I were hooking up. He freaked, saying he could lose everything, and cut off our mentorship and our friendship. This was a real slap in the face, as was learning that he'd never told his wife about me. Should I confront him about how bad it feels to be cut off by him?
--Betrayed
Workers' comp covers many on-the-job accidents -- but unfortunately not the kind where a married man slips and falls into his co-worker's vagina.
Granted, that isn't what happened here. But you don't have to have the fun to have the fallout, which is why some execs now avoid having closed-door meetings with opposite-sex co-workers. Also consider that when somebody has a lot to lose, they have a lot to fear. We all hope for life-changing experiences, but it's best if they aren't getting fired, going through a bitter divorce, and having the ex-wife drop off the kids on alternating weekends: "Okay, boys, time to put down the Xbox and go visit your dad at the homeless shelter!"
And no, he never announced to his wife, "Hey, honey, I'm mentoring this total hotbody. There's a rumor that we're hooking up. Believe me, I wish we were..." Of course, he wouldn't say that, but he probably senses what psychologist Paul Ekman has found -- that we tend to "leak" what we're really feeling through facial expressions and body language (especially if these include Gollum-like panting and slobbering: "Must. Have. The. Precious").
You probably understand this intellectually. But the sting from being socially amputated comes out of what psychologist Donna Hicks, an international conflict resolution specialist, deems a "dignity violation." Hicks describes dignity as "an internal state of peace" we feel from being treated as if we have value and our feelings matter. Because we evolved as a cooperative species and reputation was essential to our remaining in our ancestral band, we react to threats to our dignity as we would threats to our survival.
You patch up your dignity not by marching around all butthurt while waiting for him to repair it but by calmly taking the initiative. Tell him that you miss having him as a friend and mentor -- but that you understand. Counterintuitively, you should find that being the bigger one makes you feel better. Acting like the antithesis of the scorned work wife should help him ease up, too. Though it's unlikely that things will go back to how they were, he should at least stop treating you like poison ivy in career separates.
I'm a 34-year-old woman who's been in a yearlong relationship with a wonderful man. I've caught myself several times almost calling him by my ex's name. Surely, this means something, but what? I loathe my ex and regret spending seven long years with him. Still, could I have unresolved feelings for him?
--Disturbed
It's like when you pour orange juice on your cereal instead of milk, which surely only happens because you've been having sex dreams about fruit salad.
If your near name slips are a sign of anything, it's probably that you need a snack and a nap. Your brain is an energy hog, so it likes to cut corners where it can, especially when you're tired. Basically, like your web browser, it's big on autofill. In researcher-speak, this means it makes "retrieval errors" -- reaching into the right file drawer but just grabbing any old name and then going, "Yeah, whatever...good enough."
Research by psychological anthropologist Alan Page Fiske finds that the biggest predictors for name swapping are the same "mode of relationship" -- like here, where both names are from the boyfriend zone -- and being "of the same gender." Boringly reassuring, I hope. There's also a boringly simple fix -- from memory researcher David Balota: asking and answering the question "What is my current boyfriend's name?" using "spaced retrieval." This means setting a timer for, say, 15 seconds and then 45 seconds and then two minutes so you're recalling the name on demand (as opposed to just reciting it over and over again).
You might also try to see these near errors as a sign of the rich tapestry of our bustling modern lives, or some bullshit like that. At least that's what I tried to tell myself last week when I got off the phone with "Love you!" and heard back, "Um, yes, ma'am. Thank you for choosing AT&T."