The Bleh Lagoon
I'm a guy in my late 20s. Two years ago, I started a friends-with-benefits thing with a woman, which honestly has turned into one of the most relaxed, comfortable relationships I've had. Unfortunately, the sex isn't that great. I've tried to get her to work with me on that, but she just isn't very physical. I also get the sense that she's holding out for a serious relationship with me (babies/marriage/house). I'm just not in love with her that way. I don't want to hijack her uterus, but I'm having trouble breaking up with her. The relationship isn't broken, and I don't want to hurt her. I'm not sure I have it in me to say, "You're bad in bed, so I'm out."
--Shallow
Surely, you wouldn't find the bunny-hugging vegan "shallow" for not being up for the long haul with the guy who electrocutes the cows.
The rational decision is clear: You don't have what you need; you should move on. The problem is what the late Nobel Prize-winning cognitive scientist Herbert Simon deemed "bounded rationality." This describes how our ability to make rational decisions is limited -- by, for example, incomplete information about our alternatives, how much time we have to decide, or, as in your case, our emotions: dreading hurting somebody and feeling like kind of a pig for dumping a perfectly nice woman just because her sexual spirit animal is the paperweight.
Simon didn't just point out the decision-making problem; he came up with a solution -- his concept of "satisficing." This combo of "satisfy" and "suffice" means making a "good enough" choice -- as opposed to incurring the costs of endlessly searching for the best choice. (Think of somebody who spends an hour looking for the primo parking space by the store entrance -- in order to save time walking to and from their car.)
To decide what's "good enough," figure out the minimum stuff (good sex, etc.) that you absolutely must have to be satisfied in a relationship, and keep searching until you find somebody who has it. Forget about what you "should" need. If your life is not complete unless a woman will, say, wear a doorbell on each nipple, well, ring on, bro.
As for breaking up, this means telling somebody it's over, not that their sexual technique is a ringer for hibernation. Give her only as much info as she needs to make her way to the door, like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you, and I need that." Though she won't be happy to hear it, what's cruel isn't telling her; it's waiting to tell her. As that mildewed saying goes, "if you love something..." don't hang on to it until its uterus sends you to the drugstore for a box of mothballs.
Yeah, it's time to move on. You do her no favors by leading her on into thinking everything's fine while you put off getting up the courage to drop the benefits part.
mpetrie98 at June 14, 2016 8:46 PM
If she wants babies, then for HER sake he should break up with her while she still has time to find someone who wants to have them with her. Even if the sex is fantastic.
Rex Little at June 15, 2016 9:28 AM
Please break up with her. It is so hard to break up with someone when you are clinging to the hope that they will marry you. Please do a clean break up, no more hook ups.
NicoleK at June 15, 2016 9:56 AM
Yeah, she entered into the FWB relationship with you hoping that it would turn into something more. We can comment on the effectiveness of that as a mating strategy, but the fact is, the sex isn't much good because she isn't getting the relationship she really wants -- in short, you're not that into her, and in her heart of hearts, she knows it. Tell her, "I'm sorry; I know this isn't what you really want, and I'm not in a position to give you that." She may be really upset with you. Or she might be relieved. You never know. But regardless, you have to do it so that you can both try to go find what you really want.
Cousin Dave at June 15, 2016 12:26 PM
Wow. Mediocre sex and the risk of a lifetime support commitment for unwanted children.
Should work out great for everyone involved!
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at June 15, 2016 12:37 PM
Dude!
If she's not knocking your socks before marriage/kids/in-laws I hate to break it to you but she's not gonna.
Maybe she's just not into you and doesn't think you're good in bed. Just saying.
Bob in Texas at June 15, 2016 2:47 PM
Once she gets what she's really after-- the white piquet fence, the SUV, the 2.3, it's guaranteed the sex will stop completely.
jefe at June 15, 2016 3:56 PM
Trust your gut. If you get the sense that she's holding out for a serious relationship with you, that's probably what she's doing.
And if you don't feel the same way, you should end things.
JD at June 16, 2016 7:50 PM
Great answer Advice Goddess and great comments. The prob with sticking in these mediocre to bad situations is that you are both losing time, losing face, resigning self to life when it should and can be lived honestly. You are not doing her any favors, possibly you are not compatable in the sack? Maybe you are crappy at her sexual needs? Whatever, life is too short.
zapf at June 17, 2016 9:43 AM
Too many words.
I'm not willing to give you what you want. Good bye, and best of luck.
I R A Darth Aggie at June 17, 2016 11:47 AM
Raise your hand if you think the LW will be married to this woman in five years.
Sheep Mom at June 17, 2016 2:51 PM
Since it was a "friends with benefits" thing, he knew what the sex was like early on. So, unless she's gotten worse in bed over time, why didn't he break it off early? Indeed, in Friends With Benefits, the sex is kind of the main focus of the relationship. So why was it good enough then and not now? Is it possible he has a harder time admitting he doesn't really like her, or can't take it to the next level, than he does saying the sex isn't great?
LG at June 18, 2016 10:00 AM
Since it was a "friends with benefits" thing, he knew what the sex was like early on. So, unless she's gotten worse in bed over time, why didn't he break it off early?
I'm guessing your a chick LG?
To most guys bad/mediocre sex is generally better than no sex.
Hell mediocre sex is generally better than wildly satisfying freaky sex if the woman is too much drama
lujlp at June 18, 2016 3:26 PM
In the interest of accuracy, they don't electrocute cows. Those who might be interested can search out the rest on their own. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, and we're having hamburgers tonight.
MarkD at June 19, 2016 5:27 AM
And quite frankly, I would hope any woman I was with who was unhappy with my performance would mention something
I like sex, and would like to have more, which means making it more enjoyable for her so she wants to have more.
I see nothing wrong with him being honest about why its ending.
He wants something she refused to give even after he explained his position, thats technically two reasons to leave.
This chick sounds lazy, if she really held out hope for a 'real' relationship, why wouldnt she put in the small effort to be more engaged in the sex, thereby encouraging him to come back for more and thus spend more time with her?
lujlp at June 20, 2016 9:14 PM
I'm still going w/her thinking "What does it take to get this guy to stop coming over for sex?".
Bob in Texas at June 22, 2016 6:17 AM
Now there is something I handt considered. Maybe she is trying to get him to dump her by talking about commitment and being boring in the sack
lujlp at June 22, 2016 7:33 AM
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