Ugly Batty
I'm a guy in my late 30s. I don't fear commitment; I fear surprise -- the surprise I get when I find I'm with yet another crazy woman. My previous two girlfriends eventually turned out to be total psychos -- mean, controlling, and paranoid that I was cheating (which I've NEVER done). I'm beginning to think love is a ruse, with women pretending to be cool and balanced until their true crazy colors come out.
--Weary
There are events in life that are totally unexpected, like getting sucked up by a big vacuum hose into a passing alien spaceship. If you're the one who ends up under the probe, we don't get to go all accusey on you, like, "You...went out to the mailbox on a Saturday afternoon?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!!"
In relationships, however, though there are a few gifted crazies who can pull the long con, most reveal who they really are in many small ways -- long before you wake up strapped to a chair with a bright light shining in your eyes: "Tell me why you had sex with the neighbor!" she bellows. You: "Wait -- the 90-year-old?"
Identifying which ladies are from Batshitistan involves two things: 1. Taking things really slowly so you can look at a woman's behavior over time (especially when she doesn't think you're looking). 2. Wanting to see more than you want to believe.
It also might help you to take an honest approach to the past -- admitting that you treated hope as a creative alternative to critical analysis. This should help keep you from rashly welcoming the wrong people into your life, like that dark stranger ringing your bell in the hooded cloak: "Come on in, mister! There's a bowl of nuts on the table and cocktails on the minibar. May I take your scythe?"
One, two, possibly three crazies MIGHT be bad luck, generally though its you
lujlp at July 12, 2016 10:07 PM
Everyone has a type. For me, for the longest time, my type was a controlling bastard who manipulated me into believing he was the only one who would ever love me. But if you asked me what he was like I would tell you "He NEEDS me!".
I needed to get my head straight so I could see these guys for what they really were, and not what I wanted them to be. That's what you need to do. Take a deep breath, resist the urge to scream, and take a long, hard look at what this person is really like. Is she super sweet? Or is she saccarine and fake? Is she thoughtful or manipulative? You have to do your homework.
Good luck!
Kat at July 13, 2016 12:02 AM
I love this sentence:
"you treated hope as a creative alternative to critical analysis"
Could be applied to so many cases.
nico@REI at July 13, 2016 4:59 AM
Getting along with another person is hard. Really, really hard. We're all heroes of our own narrative so it might seem like everyone else is crazy except for us but in actuality, we're all crazy, and sometimes we're better than average... and sometimes we're not.
Anytime you're in a relationship with ANYONE, they will always seem "controlling" to some extent, because being two people instead of one requires compromise, always. Unless you get into a relationship with a doormat and then *you* end up being the controlling one.
If you are not the compromising sort, then you might be the sort of person are just happier outside of relationships than in, or being in a relationship with a more submissive woman that just does everything you say instead of the other way around.
Renee at July 13, 2016 8:39 AM
Yeah, one or two is possibly bad luck. More than that, and there's something about the guy. Two thoughts:
1. Maybe it's them - he's going for crazy women. (To be fair, I know a LOT of guys who seem to like them.)
2. Maybe it's him - he's doing something to "make" them crazy. (i.e. playing hot and cold games - which yeah, will get a rise out of most women, weirdly drop off the face of the earth with no warning, flake, etc.)
I'd look at my own behavior + tastes and see if I could figure out which one is more likely.
Lia at July 13, 2016 10:11 AM
"We're all heroes of our own narrative ..."
I'm a supporting character in my own narrative. :(
Ben at July 13, 2016 10:45 AM
Maybe it's him - he's doing something to "make" them crazy. (i.e. playing hot and cold games - which yeah, will get a rise out of most women, weirdly drop off the face of the earth with no warning, flake, etc.)
I have an ex who probably thinks I'm crazy because his mind-games were, indeed, crazy-making.
Or maybe LW has a "type" that commonly co-exists with "crazy" and "controlling."
Amy's right -- aside from the rare criminal mastermind, nearly everyone shows signs. And you need to learn to read them. If I were to guess, the paranoid and controlling types are the types of girls who have no identity or hobbies of their own. Who like to "take care" of you by constantly cooking for you and taking your clothes to the drycleaners very early in the relationship. They are always available (you never hear, 'Sorry, already I have plans that night' from them.). This can be a SUPER big ego-boost in the beginning, and those nurturing behaviors can seem thoughtful. But they will expect you to drop everything for them, too. And having your own life is considered "cheating." After all, they left work early to make you dinner, even though you already said you had dinner plans that night, because they are just that "thoughtful."
sofar at July 13, 2016 12:39 PM
"1. Taking things really slowly so you can look at a woman's behavior over time (especially when she doesn't think you're looking)."
Stop picking up women at a bus stop. See them socially in a non-dating manner before dating them.
It's better to take a long time asking them out than spending a long time getting them to leave.
Bob in Texas at July 13, 2016 3:03 PM
Crazies are just way more interesting than 'normal' women... but they're still crazy. Dr Palmatier's website "Shrink4men.com" is a great resource for men who've been poisoned by these dames.
I thought I was doing everything right with my last romance, like taking things REAL slow... and she turned out to be a head case anyway. Even her best friend told me, "She's hopeless." Now I'm seeing someone who's certified crazy, but at least we see eye-to-eye. We've been in itemhood for several years now.
jefe at July 13, 2016 4:01 PM
Same goes for (truly) abusive men. There are almost ALWAYS signs. Women ignore the signs, commit to them, have kids with them...
Insufficient Poison at July 14, 2016 10:48 AM
Your are exactly rightIP, there are signs and people ignore them and get stuck in shitty relationship. When they get out they find another and do it all over again. When I ask them why they didn't learn anything from one abuser to the next, they acuse me of victim blaming. The story I hear or read is always that he changed right after the wedding. Bullshit. Except for some true evil people, most women ignore bad signs thinking they can change him after the wedding.
Stormy at July 14, 2016 12:31 PM
No, never suggest that they have any culpability for putting themselves and their kids in that situation.
There almost is always a trail leading up to abuse, and usually I've heard all of it.
"Why did you go out with him again after he screamed at you?"
"He punched a hole in your drywall?"
"Why did you take him back after he grabbed your neck and called you a whore?"
"Why did you say you'd marry him after he cheated on you and then blamed you for it?"
"Why did you have a baby with him after he HIT you?"
If there are no early warning signs, and ending up with an abusive man can happen to anyone, regardless of her judgment, then why do some women seem to find them over and over again, and how do the rest of us manage to avoid them?
Same with the guys who tell you all their exes are crazy.
Insufficient Poison at July 14, 2016 3:40 PM
IP
"Same with the guys who tell you all their exes are crazy."
I say to this to all my kids.
Whenever I have friends and family repeatedly complain in detail about their exes and/or baby mamas/daddies.
I think, "You obviously make poor life choices."
Katrina at July 15, 2016 8:42 AM
You have to do something different. Change where and how you meet women. Try some different activities, get involved in things that are outside of your usual haunts. You might find that you also need to re-examine your approach to women, but the first thing is to get away from the place where you fall into traps just because they are familiar.
Cousin Dave at July 15, 2016 1:22 PM
Dave, this is what I say to my friend who meets all her boyfriends at the gym, power lifting weights in the middle of the day. There are always exceptions, but she tends to land vain men who are underemployed, not ready to settle down, still club hopping at 35, and bad with money.
Insufficient Poison at July 17, 2016 7:38 AM
My dating advice: Men, stay away from psycho bitches; women, don't date controlling assholes.
Janet C at July 22, 2016 12:57 PM
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