Wow Or Never
There are two women who arouse mega-chemistry in me when we hug, talk, etc. Unfortunately, neither is available. Though I'm basically attracted to the woman I'm dating (meaning she's the right height, weight, hair color, etc.), I don't feel those highs with her. So, my question is, can I make a go of this relationship even though I lack the tingly zest I have with the taken ladies?
--Missing The Whole Enchilada
Can you "make a go" of this relationship? Of course you can! Before you know it, you'll be booking one of those romantic weekend getaway packages to try to rekindle that magical indifference you felt at the start.
Unfortunately, you can't work up to lusting after a woman, like by making your libido do pushups over her picture. We seem to have evolved to be subconsciously drawn to the smell of certain people -- those who have immune system genes different from ours, with whom we'd make a baby with a broader set of defenses against icky parasites and disease. Men, in particular, evolved to be hot for features that reflect high fertility, like a small waist, big eyes, and big pillowy lips. The right smell and physical features flick the "on" switch in what affective neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp calls your "seeking system," sending you signals (in the form of "tingly zest") -- much like a sign spinner holding up a big arrow, "Your penis here!"
No, obviously, you can't have it all, but you have to have enough of it all -- enough of the hots for a woman, along with the hots for who she is as a human being. This isn't to say there won't be issues in bed, but you're more likely to solve them if the licensed professional best suited to help you is not the corner taxidermist.
The chemical "high" fades over time, but if there's none to start with, I say what's the point in continuing?
That's me personally, though. I know plenty of happy couples who had no chemistry (including a few in arranged marriages). But their goals were different: Marriage and kids by a certain age, as well as cultural approval were top priorities. Attraction and excitement? Not so much.
As for me, personally: About 8 years in with my fiance, things are fantastic, but there are days I want to strangle him over things like his lack of organization and his snoring. But then I think back on those butterflies and heart explosions we had in the beginning, those kisses and love notes and how they made me feel. Those sparks aren't hot enough to burn anymore, but their embers make me feel warm inside -- and I spare his life and give him a giant hug. If we didn't have that to fall back on, we'd have called it quits long ago.
LW needs to know which camp he/she is in.
sofar at July 19, 2016 3:08 PM
I've noticed a couple of times when just being around a certain woman made the strings in my jock go 'zing'. Both these women were on a raging hormone high, anticipating being with the men they'd promised themselves to. It's sort of a no-brainer to see how that can set off a similar lust-vibe in any man who happens to come near. LW is likely picking up that same kind of vibe.
jefe at July 19, 2016 8:26 PM
"... meaning she's the right height, weight, hair color, etc."
If this is all LW looking for why settle?
It's not like they need "trust", "empathy", "caring", or anything important.
Hell, LW didn't even include sexual expertise. Anyone have a Stepford wife for sale?
Bob in Texas at July 20, 2016 4:02 PM
What do big eyes, big lips and a small waist have to do with fertility?
Rex Little at July 22, 2016 4:02 AM
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