Fasten Your Deceit Belt
I'm a 44-year-old woman who's been dating a successful actor for a year. When we met, he told me he was 35. Well, in picking up a prescription for him, I discovered he's actually 42! I'm relieved -- but miffed that he lied. I've felt uneasy about being so much older (especially because his previous girlfriend was 24). He said he'd been meaning to say something and he was glad I found out. He explained that as an actor, it's important to be viewed as young. (His agent doesn't even know his real age.) He seems to be a good person, but I'm wondering what else he's lied about. I don't lie, and I don't want to be with someone who is a liar.
--Worried
Welcome to Moral High Ground, population: you. Wow, so that's your real weight on your driver's license?
The truth is, we all lie -- yes, all of us -- which is why social psychologist Bella DePaulo explains in her research on lying that people can't be tossed into "one of two moral bins, one for people who are honest and the other for the liars." DePaulo explains that you are lying whenever "you intentionally try to mislead someone." This includes telling your friend "I completely forgot you were performing at the coffeehouse!" or assuring her that her new haircut looks "cool and edgy," and not like a small animal that got hit by a car.
However, there are different kinds of lies, and the kind your boyfriend told is an "instrumental lie" -- a strategic lie people use to take a shortcut to something they want. This kind of lie is common to Machiavellian personalities -- schemers who manipulate other people to get their way. It's also linked to having crappy relationships, since you can't very well be close to somebody who's frequently pretending to be somebody else.
Ruh-roh, huh? Maybe not. Context matters -- including why he lied, why he didn't tell you, and whether his lie has lots of brothers and sisters to keep it company. If he doesn't seem to be a big truth shaver, consider that this age fibbie may be a necessary evil -- a "cost of doing business" lie. (In poetry, "Beauty is truth, truth beauty." In Hollywood, truth is unemployment.)
Why didn't he tell you? Maybe because he didn't tell you, and then he still hadn't told you, and then it seemed he was way late in telling you. If you don't see a pattern of lying, maybe this is a sign, not that he's a terrible person but that he dreaded disappointing you. You and he could even turn this incident into a positive thing -- an opportunity to come up with a policy for honesty in your relationship. What's especially important is making it a safe place for telling the truth -- pledging to sit down and talk stuff out instead of going all explodypants over it. This includes shocking Hollywood revelations like his current one, which -- frankly -- is too ho-hum to even make the wastebasket at TMZ. You've merely discovered that the guy's another age, not that there's another woman -- the one he's always dreamed of being.
Somethings to think about
1 everyone lies at times
2. He is an actor meaning his profession is convincing you he is George Wasington one week or being chased by aliens. In other words a professional liar.
3 Hollywood is full of professional liars his age is nothing there
4 the ex claimed to be 24, probably was fibbing and 30.
Joe j at August 9, 2016 5:50 PM
Nah. His girlfriend had also lied to him about HER age. Wasn't there some kerfluffel about this 30 something year old actress getting a job in that series 'Felicity' by lying about being 19?
Granted, she lost her position too...
FIDO at August 9, 2016 6:23 PM
"We all lie"? That's an amazingly arrogant statement, to claim to know "all" of us.
Trust is the bedrock of relationships and there can never be trust when there is even one little lie, because you never know when the next one is coming.
The basic rule for a solid relationship: both always tell the truth, but don't ask questions you may not want answered: "Does my ass look big in these pants?".
stu at August 9, 2016 10:44 PM
"We all lie"? That's an amazingly arrogant statement, to claim to know "all" of us.
Social niceties are nearly always lies. "How are you?" Well, actually, crappy this morning, but "Fine. How are you?"
I have known adolescents who tried, briefly, to always tell the absolute truth. Society quickly corrected their behavior.
Lying with intent to deceive, what Amy calls "instrumental lies": now that's a whole different game. Honest people avoid lies of that sort.
a_random_guy at August 10, 2016 1:42 AM
Unless there's further evidence of him lying about other things, I lean toward "intended to tell her once he trusted her enough" and then "how do I tell her I lied after all this time?"
Insufficient Poison at August 10, 2016 6:59 AM
As long as he was honest about his previous marriages ...
Bob in Texas at August 10, 2016 2:56 PM
If you want to get right down to it, we must lie every day.
"How are you?" implies that I actually care, rather than deigning to indulge in social niceties, when in truth, I don't give a rat's ass how you are.
"I'm so sorry to hear that." Not especially, but I know that's what you need to hear and I'm willing to give it.
"I understand completely." When in fact, I think you're being an idiot.
Caring about someone is knowing what they need, even if you're not necessarily feeling it, and giving it.
And milk comes from telephone poles. There. I just lied.
Patrick at August 10, 2016 7:03 PM
If you consider a lie anything that isn't the complete truth, then yes, we all lie. We lie by omission at the least.
Unless somebody is ready to argue that there exists a person who tells their boss when he's a jerk, answers "How're you?" from EVERY SINGLE PERSON with a complete and accurate answer, answers every rhetorical question honestly and fully, AND hasn't been murdered yet.
Shannon at August 10, 2016 8:42 PM
An actor lying about his age? Oh I am shocked!
I have this rule to never ask guys about income or age - guess what? my recent bf is 31 years younger than me - I thought he was maybe 45, I am a young looking 61. Its - if you are into a profound friendship based lover relationship - well not a question that should come up on date 1 thru 3.
zapf at August 12, 2016 4:41 PM
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