People Who Needle People
A female friend overheard me on the phone with my boyfriend and became concerned. He and I tease each other relentlessly, calling each other mean silly names, but it's all in fun. Though we have a very loving relationship, she thinks the teasing is a sign of submerged anger. Is she right? And are we doing something damaging?
--Banterer
Yesterday, on the phone with my boyfriend, I had to ask him to repeat something he'd just said because I'd become briefly mesmerized by a big fern shimmying in the breeze. No, sadly, I wasn't all "Sorry, I missed that bit because my couch caught fire." The man was competing for my attention with a plant.
It isn't that he's boring. I have ADHD -- attention-defici...sorry, what was I saying? And in our relationship, as in yours, teasing plays a big role. So when my boyfriend has something important to tell me, he'll sometimes prepare me (with a line that always makes me laugh): "Do I have your divided attention?"
Teasing like this is what social psychologist Dacher Keltner calls an "indirect, playful way to negotiate conflict." This is especially important in a relationship, where there are many conflicts and annoyances you'll never resolve. In mine, for example, in addition to my midsentence day trips to the Baltics, there's how my boyfriend seems to have attended the Jackson Pollock school of culinary arts. Or, as I put it -- while cupping an ear theatrically and looking upward: "What's that? ... Um...honey, the ceiling says it ordered its sauce on the side."
Teasing is like bullying, Keltner explains -- in that it's something you say or do that's intended to provoke another person. However, teasing includes clues that what you're saying isn't to be taken literally -- and that your intent is playful, not hurtful. These playfulness signals are called "off-record markers" and include laughter, obvious exaggeration, a jokey tone, mimicry, and contorted facial expressions.
As for the concern that your teasing is endangering your relationship, on the contrary, Keltner and his colleagues found that "couples who playfully teased, as opposed to resorting to direct, cogent, but ultimately hackle-raising criticism, felt more connected after (a) conflict and trusted their partners more."
And the reality is that only two people who truly love each other can get away with trash-talking each other in extravagantly awful ways. This is an example of what behavioral ecologists call a "costly signal" -- one that, through its expense or riskiness, tells you it's more likely to be for real. Conspicuous consumption is an example -- signaling that you've got money to burn by shelling out $8K for a Rolex when a $50 Swatch tells the time just fine. So, sure, there are many ways to express romantic appreciation, but it's nice to opt for something unique, like "What a wonderful love note -- made all the sweeter by handwriting that looks like that of an 8-year-old locked up after multiple disappearances of neighborhood pets."
Different people have different styles of relationships. Don't let someone else tell you what "ought" to work for you.
Cousin Dave at August 31, 2016 6:34 AM
A thousand years ago, my husband and I went to see a couples' counselor for some not-terrible "oh geez we're married and I'm not sure how people do this" kind of relatiomshhip weirdness. Literally, so long ago that I can't even recall what, but we're Californians. We go to therapy like normal people go to brunch. Point being, it wasn't that bad whatever it was.
The first therapist we saw basically said, "I hear so much hostility from you two, this is terrible." I kind of looked at him and said, "I don't think this is the right therapist for us, Buttface." "You're right, Dickweed," he replied.
The second person we saw said something like, "I can tell from your body language that you reall care for each other. Now, what can we work on?" Her, we liked, saw once or twice to fine-tune our stuff, and I'm happy to report that Jerkwad and I are rounding up on our 30th anniversary.
The second therapist looked at the whole relationship, not just the words. I come from a family literally descended from Borscht Belt comedians where the insult is the finest form of love. (Standard repartee with my sisters. "You know what I hate?" "Besides me?" "Well, duh. But in this case I'm talking about . .. ."
LW's friend would probably think we were a bunch of abusive jerks rather than a posse of wanna-be Mel Brookses. Her loss.
Anathema at August 31, 2016 7:43 AM
With my Pirate Wench, I stay far away from teasing and light-hearted insults, simply because she actually IS such a head-mess, none of it would be funny.
jefe at August 31, 2016 3:04 PM
I have to say that this sort of interaction is definitely a little-goes-a-looooong-way. I don't like to be around it for more than a comment or two, and I despise this sort of interaction with servers, etc.
David at August 31, 2016 3:18 PM
Antagonistic flirting is my favorite. I am VERY happily married.
My friends and I mock each other until we're out of breath from laughing.
Insufficient Poison at September 1, 2016 12:09 PM
My husband and his family are like this.
Personally I am sensitive to teasing so when he would tease his kids, I'd be more upset about than the kids.
I've grown into it. I still preface anything that I think is too harsh with, "Just because it's funny..."
Katrina at September 3, 2016 12:03 PM
I come from a long line of mathematicians and engineers. I don't think we get either the aggressive teasing or the worrying about other's aggressive teasing. So while I personally wouldn't do it I don't think LW has anything to worry about.
Ben at September 3, 2016 8:29 PM
"I come from a long line of mathematicians and engineers. I don't think we get either the aggressive teasing or the worrying about other's aggressive teasing."
You'd think it'd be easy as pi.
Oof!
Radwaste at September 18, 2016 5:06 AM
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