Tender Bender
I'm a woman, married for a year to a great guy. The problem is that he's too gentle when he touches or kisses me, and I'm starting to get really frustrated in bed. I know I should have let him know what I really like a long time ago. How can I do this now without hurting his feelings?
--Embarrassed
It's hot to have a husband who's kind of an animal in bed -- except if that animal is Hello Kitty.
Words, who needs 'em? Maybe you figured he'd get the hint from your body language -- maybe because you're pretty sure you would have if the tables were turned. Well, research by social psychologist Judith A. Hall finds that women are far better at spotting and decoding nonverbal messages (in facial expressions and body language). This makes evolutionary sense, considering a mother's need to suss out what's wrong with her 6-month-old (who is unable both to speak and to get on the internet at 3 a.m. to self-diagnose his diaper rash as a brain tumor).
Still, you don't have to give him a poor performance evaluation (ouch!) or go into sex ed lecturer-like detail. Instead, take the Gene Hackman approach. Hackman reportedly informs movie directors that the only directions he'll take are "louder, softer, faster, slower." (You might want to supplement those with "harder" and "rougher.")
To encourage greater openness, ask him what his sexual fantasies are (which should lead to the question, "Well, what are yours?") -- and do your best to deliver on any that don't involve illegal acts with livestock.
You might also watch movies together with sex scenes that are more "G.I. Jane" than Jane Austen -- like the 2005 movie "Mr. & Mrs. Smith." Then, when you're in bed, suggest "Mr. & Mrs. Smith-style," and he should get what you mean. Before long, when you tell your friends that sex with your husband is "dreamy," it won't be because you usually doze off during it.
It always amazes me, that doing pretty rough stuff with women is so appreciated. What I do to my girlfriend would (totally justified) get me jailed for years, if she didn't love it so much. First time I thought "to hell with it; I'll just treat her like she's the dirtiest slut you can imagine and she can stop if she doesn't like it", she absolutely loved it. That was with another woman, though. I still remember her lying there, sweaty and as happy as you can be and saying "I didn't know it could be like that". Well, neither did I, but it worked.
It was difficult, though. I was brought up to be respectful to women. To treat them like delicate flowers and to never, EVER do anything without clear consent. But to some women, a lot of women, even, asking if you can pull her hair and slap her ass is a bigger turn-off than you wearing sandals and socks in bed.
I'm not saying you should just go ahead and be all rapey on your girlfriends and wives, but if you go ahead and do some very gentle man-handling...well, it has always been greatly appreciated when I've done it and it shows immediately. But becoming less civilized can be very, very dificult. We so don't want to hurt you, you know. We really, really don't.
Jesper at August 24, 2016 1:40 AM
Congratulations, LW, you have what women have been requesting for several generations. Your man is kind and gentle and respectful and consent-seeking, he's become exactly what he's been asked to be. But now you realize that's not what turns you on. Unfortunately, as Jesper says, undoing a lifetime of conditioning is not easy or simple. He may be the Nice Guy(tm) for life. What then, LW?
bkmale at August 24, 2016 6:56 AM
Okay, I'll go ahead and state the obvious, because there's a tiny chance the @bkmale may not be having the little joke with the above comment.
Here's a totally wacky idea . . . a human (male or female--some guys like it rough too) can be "kind and gentle and respectful and consent-seeking" and still enjoy role-play in the bedroom. Ya know why it's called "play"? Because it's a fun little rough-housing break from your normal life where you don't roll around on the floor and exchange bodily fluids and maybe some bruises.
If even the most vanilla people behaved in public the way they do in the bedroom, nobody would ever be allowed back in Home Depot, to quote the old mildly dirty joke.
What I look for in a dude or a lady (and am lucky to have in my boyfriend as well as several past folks whom I still remember fondly) is someone who can call me a filthy slut, have a bit of a tumble (which might involve bite marks, bruises, and more naughty talk), and then when the play is over, go get pancakes and talk about Pokemon, and sweet and loving-like.
Human sexuality is complicated and weird. Accepting that makes life a lot more fun.
Anathema at August 24, 2016 9:12 AM
@Anathema:
I agree with everything you said, all great stuff. But it doesn't address the LW's concerns. She WANTS the rough-n-tumble-and-pancakes-afterwards, but she ain't gettin' it. It may be possible to "rough-up" the husband, but the idea of that will totally implode his Nice Guy(tm) mind. Change will come slowly, if at all, meanwhile LW will continue to be unsatisfied. Not a rosy outlook, IMO.
Perhaps I am seeing Satan behind every bush, but as a recovering Nice Guy(tm) myself, there's no joking about a situation like this.
bkmale at August 24, 2016 10:28 AM
Maybe it is just me, but if a SO asked me 'What are your sexual fantasies?", it would be as big a red flag as 'Honey, We need to talk'. Wherever this is going, I am probably not going to like the destination.
I agree with the 'direction' thing. Most guys DO want to push your buttons (and those that don't want you to push HIS). There is a difference between 'Honey, your sexual evaluation report came in and I need to let you go' and in the heat of the moment, saying 'Like that, but leave marks'. One is an overall ego crusher, the other is 'let's make this HOTTER!'
That movie idea was pretty insightful. There are a bunch of potential movies to choose from.
That being said...mm...some guys are pretty hard wired in the "Madonna/Whore" complex and showing off her raunchy side may have a few negative repercussions. It's hard to maintain 'purity' and moral authority after you ask a man to put some lash marks across your hieny.
FIDO at August 25, 2016 8:06 PM
Maybe if he removed the gag from her mouth she could tell him "harder".
Bob in texas at August 26, 2016 2:39 PM
Watch a movie or read a book together that has the kind of sex you find exciting... Secretary, Fifty Shades of Gray, ANY bodice ripper, whatever.
Ask him what kind of porn he likes.
NicoleK at August 28, 2016 7:10 AM
Try biting his neck or something, start with a little nip?
NicoleK at August 28, 2016 7:12 AM
Watch the kind of porn you like and leave your computer screen on so he sees it?
NicoleK at August 28, 2016 7:13 AM
Seems as if this may have started in courting. If she insisted on, chose for, "considerate, thoughtful, generous" in everything, she may have gotten a guy who's afraid of imposing on her in any situation.
Richard Aubrey at October 6, 2016 10:51 AM
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