The Gift Of Blab
My girlfriend tells her mother and her friends pretty much everything. Literally four of her friends and her mom were weighing in on her recent urinary tract infection. I just don't get why she feels the need to let everybody know her business, and it's the opposite of what I do. I'm very private, and I'd like us to have some things that stay between us -- especially stuff that goes on in the bedroom. How would I set boundaries like this? And does this mean that we are ultimately incompatible?
--Uncomfortable
Being compatible with somebody doesn't mean you're like them in all ways. I'm an extrovert, which is to say I see a dead car battery as an opportunity to learn about some tow truck driver's childhood in Guatemala. Contrast that with my introvert boyfriend, who recently turned down an invitation he got to this really cool event, telling me, "I already said hello to somebody this week."
Beyond individual human differences, there are also some male-female differences, like in feelings- and information-sharing. Sex differences researcher Joyce Benenson explains that men evolved to be the physical defenders of the species, and it would have put a man at a deadly disadvantage to show the enemy his emotions -- like if he went all scaredypants from fear: "Oh my God, is that the enemy? I'm gonna throw up."
Women, on the other hand, evolved to build support networks and avoid social exclusion by convincing other women that they aren't a threat. A woman does this not by hiding her vulnerabilities but by putting her problems and weaknesses on parade -- a la "My ladyparts have been declared an EPA cleanup zone!"
In other words, your privacy nightmare -- the scrapbooking circle getting together to focus-group your medical issues -- is your girlfriend's emotional comfort zone. But this isn't necessarily a sign that your relationship is toast. For a relationship to make it, you and your partner don't have to be the same; you just have to have enough in common and be loving in dealing with each other's differing weirdass needs.
If there were such a thing as psychological catnip for humans, it would probably be feeling understood. So, tell your girlfriend that you understand it helps her to hash things out with her mom and the ladypeeps and that you think that's great. You're just wired differently. Explain how, and then -- sweetly -- make your request: You'd feel most comfortable if what happens between you stays between you...given that your idea of openness involves making people sign a 30-page nondisclosure agreement before viewing the heavily encrypted photos -- of Steve, your dog.
As long as it's not on social media before you get home it's just the thought that bothers you.
But this goes away once you become comfortable in your own skin even for an introvert. At that point you are moving on in your own endeavors and not really listening to others'.
Bob in Texas at August 3, 2016 6:09 AM
this goes away once you become comfortable in your own skin even for an introvert
At some point, you come to terms with who you are. You then realize that it doesn't matter what other people think about you. You are the way you are, and it ain't gonna change. They can either accept you or get lost, either is just fine.
This is true, but it takes time. I expect I am typical of many introverts, in that my sheer social incompetence led to a lot of insecurity. I got to the "don't care" stage sometime in my mid-50's.
I expect LW has a ways to go, but he can still strive for that indifference. If his girlfriend blabs about that weird mole on his dingdong, or whatever... So what?
a_random_guy at August 3, 2016 9:55 AM
a_random_guy,
When I took the introvert/extrovert quiz, I scored 100% introvert. I'm not socially incompetent - in fact I make friends easily. But I HATE crowds, noise, and chaos. When I was younger, I would get dragged to crowded noisy dance clubs, big parties, and concerts because I thought I was "supposed to."
I was always hearing about how I needed to "put myself out there" or "get out of my shell" or how I was some kind of boring fuddy-duddy if I didn't want to go to whatever crowded, noisy, drunken thing was going on. Whoever heard of someone who doesn't like parties?
I think it was when I got to be around 40 that I simply stopped caring what other people think. If people can't accept me the way I am, they can go get bent.
It isn't like I don't have friends. I do, and I get together with them in small groups of four or five at a time.
Pirate Jo at August 3, 2016 12:13 PM
Mmm.
This is about people being different. I think he needs to mention how he feels about his private stuff being shared...and he needs to be SPECIFIC ("Why did you have to tell people about my Star Wars action figure collection?")
Because these things fester. And he might (will) explode about some personal tidbit shared.
A) she has been warned, which is only fair. IF she shows any self awareness, she will at least attempt to moderate things.
B) she will understand WHY he went ballistic instead of instantly defensive.
He needs to also emphasize that is doesn't matter if she understands his need for privacy (she won't). That doesn't mean it doesn't exist and as part of a functioning couple, she needs to respect it.
All that being said, she won't understand, she will blab and you will explode. And again.
THEN she will understand, not your need for privacy, which she will still think is ridiculous (it isn't), but that SHE will face negative repercussions if she trespasses specific boundaries. THAT she will gronk.
I would also suggest learning the discreet art of the unobtrusive shin kick...
FIDO at August 4, 2016 7:25 AM
Pirate Jo
That sound's a lot like me.
I've always had a few close friends. I never had a lot. Yeah when I was in college I felt the need to go out and stuff to look like I had a life. The reality was I didn't necessarily want to.
Once I lived off campus, I didn't care anymore.
My husband and step-kids are all extroverts.
I sometimes need to tell them this is my "no talking time". They think they have to fill the silence.
I learned awhile ago to ask my husband to "manage the chaos."
He takes the kids to fireworks, to see the Macy's Thanksgiving parade balloons blown up.
We did do fireworks, one time, at a friend's building and kids were invited so I brought my toddler. She gave me an excuse to avoid talking to most people.
Katrina at August 4, 2016 11:53 AM
Katarina,
There's this tendency for people to think they have to collect friends the way kids collect marbles. (I have more!) Or they have to fill every night of the week on their calendars because that means they get invited to a lot of things which must mean they are cool.
I found in college, too, that I looked forward to evenings when I didn't have stuff on the calendar. I'd crawl in bed early with a cup of cocoa and read hundreds of pages in a book. I had a single room in my dorm, so no one would be coming over later and waking me up. I still live alone all these years later and still read a lot.
I don't have very many friends either because they require regular contact and maintenance. The ones I do have are people I really, really like, and I treasure them a lot. I would do anything for them. Except call once a day. But they understand that. I'm a hermit and I own it, and they can (and do) tease me about it all they want, as long as they don't expect to change it.
Recently I even stole Gregg's line, telling my friends I didn't want to go to an event because I had already said hello to someone that week. They just laugh and shake their heads - they know what I'm like.
Pirate Jo at August 4, 2016 2:59 PM
If you are not that way, you probably don't understand the fatigue. I am thinking about what you said. Why do you keep talking? Then you change the subject, then you ask a question. I'm still processing what you said, before, not ignoring you.
Eventually, in self-defence, I will ignore you. I have to.
MarkD at August 5, 2016 8:05 AM
Pirate Jo,
Exactly. It can be tough in an overcrowded apartment with 5 extraverts though.
I think it is funny I have friends at all because I think I am a horrible friend. Because I don't keep in touch. Sometimes I just think my husband is charming enough for both of us. They really love him...and I get it by osmosis.
Most of my entertainment out is karaoke. I have fun doing it...and it helps avoid small talk and it is perfectly acceptable to be quiet for long periods of time while listing to others sing or looking for your songs in the playbook.
Katrina at August 5, 2016 9:01 AM
"I was always hearing about how I needed to "put myself out there" or "get out of my shell" or how I was some kind of boring fuddy-duddy if I didn't want to go to whatever crowded, noisy, drunken thing was going on. Whoever heard of someone who doesn't like parties?"
Yes, a constant stream of this from my mother, who was an extrovert, a bubbly person if you ever saw one. She was sure I would never get married if I didn't suddenly start acting like an extrovert. Can't do it.
"I found in college, too, that I looked forward to evenings when I didn't have stuff on the calendar."
I still LOVE any day I don't have to leave the house. I can read, putter around, it's heaven.
Not easy to explain, though.
crella at August 9, 2016 5:00 AM
Even if she promises to keep it to herself, she's just going to wait til he's not in the room and spill her guts anyway.
And isn't he violating privacy by writing an advice column about her?
wtf at August 9, 2016 6:11 PM
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