Meet Joe Blackboard
I've been in love with my former high-school teacher for five years. We grew close when I was a student, but nothing physical happened. I'm now an adult, and we talk frequently (and rather flirtatiously) on the phone. I would pursue him if he weren't married, with a family. Now I just need to admit my feelings to him and ask what his intentions ever were. I refuse to believe that he finds our constant chats to be completely innocent, and I don't think I can go on without telling him how crazy he's making me.
--Smitten
When somebody at a cocktail party asks the guy "What do you do?" his answer isn't supposed to be "My former students."
Sure, you're now an adult. Unfortunately, he's still a husband. But never mind that; you've got feelings clawing to get out. And that is a problem. James Pennebaker, who researches emotional expression, explains that "actively holding back or inhibiting our thoughts and feelings can be hard work." It causes a lot of tension -- which is uncomfortable, making you long to release your pent-up feelings. In other words, a crushing need to be "honest" isn't necessarily courageous or noble. It's the psychological version of needing to pee.
As for how Mr. Homeroom feels, probably like a guy whose wedding vows are supposed to trump "hot for teacher." Luckily, there's a simple way to avoid the impulse to tell him "how crazy" he's making you: Cut off all contact. No doubt, it can be a highly rewarding thing for a teacher when his life is changed by a student -- except if that change is from happily married daddy to miserably separated dude living in his kids' backyard playhouse.
Please don't share your feelings with him.
Sure, maybe he'll react the way you hope. But maybe not. And if he does respond the way you hope, what then? Be his mistress? Break up his marriage and divide his family?
Show me a man you can steal, and I'll show you a man that can be stolen from you.
Then do the smart thing and let him go. Your feelings will fade and so will the craziness.
I R A Darth Aggie at September 6, 2016 4:49 PM
I've never known anyone who stayed in touch with any of their High School teachers once they left school. Maybe if she enrolled in college she'd grow up a little and forget about her High School days. Seems like she's stuck in an era and can't stop looking back. I'm curious as to who's calling who and when did they exchange personal phone numbers? If he was having these flirtatious little calls with her while she was still his student, I think he should be brought before the school board. Wonder how many other young girls he's chatting up.
Jan at September 6, 2016 5:38 PM
I agree with IRA: don't say a word to this guy. If you must "pee", as Amy put it, "pee" on somebody else that you trust who can keep your confidence. Then, cut off ties with this guy. No good can come from "peeing" on the object of your desire.
mpetrie98 at September 6, 2016 7:52 PM
I'll agree with all of the commenters above. As for the LW: There's a word for a guy who has a wife and kids, even though you really, really care about him, and you already know what that word is.
And that makes him a no-no.
And if you really cared about him, you'd give him and his family the respect they deserve.
Sometimes, the only sensible thing to do with your feelings is to keep quiet about them.
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at September 7, 2016 7:12 AM
"I would pursue him if he weren't married, with a family."
You ARE pursuing him. Stop it. And no more swimming in the married end of the pool.
Pirate Jo at September 7, 2016 7:42 AM
You guys are all ignore the possibility the wife likes threesomes
lujlp at September 7, 2016 11:37 AM
"It takes two to get one in trouble."
— Mae West
Bob in Texas at September 7, 2016 11:39 AM
This is letting Teacher Man off the hook, IMO.
Out of his HUNDREDS of students over the years, how many do you think not only call him, but leave him spicy text messages? I am guessing that number is very close to '0'.
So if he does not know you are at the very least interested, you are deluding yourself LW. He has been around the block a lot more than you have and was good enough to get his own girl.
So if he knows that you are interested, what is he doing? Well, he is not dumping is wife and kids at a roadside stand as he rushes over to take you to Vegas for a quickie wedding.
Maybe...and I know I am talking out of Right Field here...he is getting huge ego buffs as he is pursued by a little 20 something hottsie tootsie. It is ego buffs on the cheap for him with very little risk (until the wife goes into his text messages. Ouch!)
Don't like that theory? I have one less palatable. He likes the attention, but he isn't attracted to you...or certainly not enough to dump his wife and kids. So he is sparing your feelings without knowing how to cut the cord himself without offending you.
How about this? He is using you as her personal fantasy girl. Someone to think about when he is mounting the old ball and chain. You are a free webcam girl. (Hey...at least he is thinking of you as a real woman and are part of his sexual thoughts. Feel any better? No?)
UGH. I don't think any of these are where you WANT to be in a relationship with him. However, that is where you are at best.
The guy, if he is flirting back, knows exactly what he is doing. If it is just a bit of flirty banter, he 'may' be in a gray area morally...but that this is very dangerous for both of you.
FIDO at September 8, 2016 12:24 AM
Spot on FIDO.
She's his hidden candy bar. Taken out at night when the missus is sleeping.
(I'm a Type II diabetic and miss my Snickers. What can I say.)
Regardless, she is wasting her time or learning how adults flirt.
As long as she knows which is which it's all good for him. (He'll tell his wife he was simply being kind and hoping she'd go away w/o making a fuss.)
Bob in Texas at September 8, 2016 8:57 AM
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