The Truth About Catfish And Dogs
I'm a 39-year-old woman dating for the first time since the '90s. I'm doing the online thing, and none of these guys look like their photos! It's incredible. When we meet, they always say, "You look just like your pictures." Isn't that the point?
--Frustrated
Guy, in online dating profile: "I'm 55!" Guy's neck, when you meet for coffee: "I was a war hero. In the Peloponnesian War."
Unfortunately, Mr. Peloponnesian Pants On Fire has plenty of company on dating sites. In fact, about a third of the photos people post aren't true to life, according to research by psychologist Jeffrey T. Hancock. Sometimes, that's due to Photoshop; sometimes, the photo is less-than-current; and sometimes, along the lines of "every picture tells a story," the story is "This is how I'd look if I were someone else entirely."
That last kind of lie -- posting photos of somebody else -- is less common than other photographic deceptions, because, as Hancock notes, people have to balance looking good enough to meet with not making somebody stomp angrily away once they do. The same goes for the other lies people tell. Hancock also finds that 81 percent of people on dating sites are lying about their height, weight, and age -- but often just a little.
So, where you go wrong is in your expectations -- expecting online daters to be truthful. As with eBay, a big benefit of dating sites is quantity -- instant access to countless prospects. But there's also a big tradeoff: quality. Going forward, assume everyone on a dating site is lying. Meet prospective partners as soon as possible and as casually as possible. If you're throwing back a $4 latte, as opposed to waiting for the waitress to bring the entree, it's a little easier to make a quick exit from the guy decades older than his picture: "Wow, will you look at the time?! I didn't realize 20 years had passed since we set up our date."
Something I've mentioned here before is the phenomenon where my date gets a phone call right at 30 minutes... her roommate/landlady/whatever is having an emergency. She needs to leave-- NOW.
jefe at September 20, 2016 8:23 PM
Don't forget money. Guys tend to lie about their income too (for obvious reasons). And like all the rest they lie by about the same amount, ~20%. Or usually one selection box more than they make.
And just to balance things, women lie just as much as men. Just about different things.
Ben at September 21, 2016 6:18 AM
@Jefe: "Something I've mentioned here before is the phenomenon where my date gets a phone call right at 30 minutes... her roommate/landlady/whatever is having an emergency. She needs to leave-- NOW."
My middle daughter says she and her girlfriends have a similar setup for dates. Apparently, they have a quick numeric code, where, if the gal on the date texts a particular number on her phone, it means, "Call me, and wail loudly enough for my date to hear. I need an excuse for a quick exit!"
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at September 21, 2016 8:06 AM
Channel Daniel R. "Dan" Fielding of Night Court along with Fonzi of Happy Days and Sam Malone of Cheers.
That should get you through a 30 minute date w/no loss of ego and may get you into a fun evening.
Why give the lasses control?
ASFA the info not matching the package? I guess that's the norm in that environment.
I really really suggest ballroom dancing lessons, finding out where the clubs appropriate for your age are, excursions such state-wide dance festivals, and so on.
The bigger the event the more possible partners you can interact with while having fun. Lots of players so keep your ego protected by not taking it personal. The ladies know what they are looking for and odds are you are not it.
Just dance with the newbies making sure they have a good experience and you will be rewarded.
Bob in Texas at September 21, 2016 9:02 AM
Bob is right about ballroom dancing. Even better might be tango. I have seen many romances blossom in our tango community.
FrauleinGretel at September 21, 2016 1:40 PM
Thanks FrauleinGretel.
I really think Argentine Tango is the best place to start. It slows you down and forces you to actually MOVE w/purpose. Controlling your own body is required.
Both partners have distinct interchangeable roles so there's no faking it compared to other dances.
Plus it's close embrace from a modest to an immodest level so you get used to being close to a person physically.
The dances are "nightclub" style so standing around drinking and conversing and ultimately dancing are the norm.
Players are still players so ...
Bob in Texas at September 22, 2016 5:52 AM
"I really think Argentine Tango is the best place to start. It slows you down and forces you to actually MOVE w/purpose. Controlling your own body is required."
Or join your nearest range, and take some shooting lessons,
You will meet plenty of nice men, but of course 99 percent of them will be libertarian/republicans.
Isab at September 22, 2016 4:19 PM
LW should be grateful she discovered her date is a liar right out of the gate. Some of us poor souls don't learn the truth about our mates until much, much later, when it gets really expensive.
And what's wrong with us libertarians, Isab?
stuo at September 23, 2016 8:52 PM
I guess I've been lucky, but of the half-dozen or so women I've met online, none looked older or less attractive than their photos. One looked younger and thinner.
Amusingly, there was one whose profile said "I'm the only woman here who isn't lying about her age"--and she turned out to be two years older than she claimed.
Rex Little at September 24, 2016 12:16 AM
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