Florist Gump
I love my girlfriend, but the other night on the phone, I said something that really hurt her feelings. I was out with my guy friends, and one said, "Get her flowers. Girls love that stuff." I ran around in the middle of the night looking for them. Obviously, there were no florists open. I had to hit a slew of 7-Elevens. I came home with a rose and told her about my treasure hunt to find it. She loved it, and all was forgiven. For a flower? I don't get it.
--Temporary Jerk
It is a little crazy that when you love a woman, you're supposed to express it with a handful of useless weeds -- that is, "Say it with flowers" and not something nice and practical, a la "Say it with a repeating stapler."
"A rose is a rose is a rose is a rose," wrote Gertrude Stein. Sorry, Gertie. It's actually not. A rose can also be a form of information -- one that anthropologists call a "costly signal." A costly signal is a message that's more than just words -- meaning it involves an investment of time, effort, risk, and/or money, which tells the recipient that it's more likely to be sincere. So, the pointless extravagance of buying a woman flowers is exactly the point. To be willing to burn money on something so intrinsically useless suggests you're either a natural-born idiot or so in love that it makes you droolingly dim.
But -- as you might argue -- you only spent a few bucks on that rose. Well, context counts. Research by evolutionary social psychologist Yohsuke Ohtsubo and his colleagues points out that buying just one flower will make you look cheap -- but only when "a more costly option (is) available" (like if you're at a florist). Otherwise, effort counts. In other words, if you only bring your woman a single rose, casually mention that you got it by crawling over broken glass to 7-Eleven while dodging gunfire from the Albanian mob. (Or that you at least tried Rite Aid, CVS, and 12 other 7-Elevens first.)
Reminds me of a Dorothy Parker poem:
A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
All tenderly his messenger he chose;
Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
One perfect rose.
I knew the language of the floweret;
"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
Love long has taken for his amulet
One perfect rose.
Why is it no one ever sent me yet
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
One perfect rose.
Helena Handbasket at October 12, 2016 6:37 AM
He doesn't get that he just learned the "secret" of the universe. Sad.
Whack him upside the head w/a ...
Bob in Texas at October 12, 2016 7:35 AM
I love flowers. The secret is the thought put into them. A dozen roses - boring. Something the guy puts together himself - nice. A single rose - only if he ran all over town, like the LW's bf. Flowers to buy a girl off - obvious. The quick thoughtless gift doesn't work.
I live blocks away from Whole Foods. When I was dating, guys would go there, pick up the basic bouquet and come to my place. I saw that same bouquet so many times, I'd wait for it. And chuckle. Then yawn. I like something more interesting, signs of both creativity and thoughtfulness.
Tricia at October 12, 2016 3:28 PM
Did that rose come in a slender glass tube? People buy them, throw away the rose and use the glass tube to smoke crack.
jefe at October 12, 2016 3:28 PM
Trica, "When I was dating, guys would go there, pick up the basic bouquet and come to my place."
Well hell Gurl! Do you have your favorite flower plastered over your forehead? "I luv daisies!"
Guy goes to the trouble of picking out a nice bunch of flowers and you find it "boring". Don't take this personal but jeez, it's a "gesture" of goodwill not a ticket to ride.
Bob in Texas at October 13, 2016 8:22 AM
I actually prefer a single rose to a dozen. It feels more streamlined and elegant. Simplicity.
NicoleK at October 14, 2016 1:09 AM
I was lucky in that the owner and staff of a women's boutique store "trained" me in buying "stuff" for the women in my life (Mom, 2 sisters, dates, then wife).
NicoleK nailed it on the "to make an impression" advice. Typically it was "Tell us what you did Bob and we will tell you what you need to buy." They were good! Sometimes a Beanie Baby. Sometimes La Perla.
Sometimes it was "You can stay the night on my couch Bob 'cause we can't fix that.". (Ex. Bought the wedding ring I liked for me to wear vs. the one the wife told me to buy. She really did not like that ring and could not believe I would not do as she "asked".)
Bob in Texas at October 14, 2016 11:51 AM
So your wife kicked you out of the house because she didnt like the look of the jewelry YOU had to wear?
Please tell me you did not stay married
lujlp at October 14, 2016 12:45 PM
Slept on couch, kept the ring, and the wife.
I have my faults so ...
Bob in texas at October 15, 2016 4:21 PM
Slept on "my" couch.
Wife has been the best thing I could have ever done. She's put up w/damaged goods for 28 years so ...
She is exceptionally stubborn about things being done "her way" but typically I just mutter and move along.
When I do decide that her way is a problem and do what I believe is needed it really upsets something internal in her "soul" so I don't do that often.
I got screwed over so badly by my first 12 year marriage and a follow up "romance" that I realize that my viewpoint has shifted from what I believe is the typical relationship "normal".
So when I get truly pissed off I count my blessings and stay quiet (preferably alone) until I shift back to "this is not that situation" (because despite what I'm "feeling" is really is not).
But yeah, the "wedding ring" is still a "that's not a wedding ring" thingy. Funny.
I wear a "prayer" ring now ($15 from Amazon) and put my big fat gold lion head ring away. It doesn't fit this area (ranch city) or look as good w/my coveralls.
LOL How we change over the decades.
Bob in Texas at October 15, 2016 5:23 PM
I saw that same bouquet so many times, I'd wait for it. And chuckle. Then yawn. I like something more interesting, signs of both creativity and thoughtfulness.
This bothers me in a lot of ways. Not Tricia herself, whom I am sure she meant this as a bit of a humorous anecdote, but as a class of ideas.
Some guy takes anywhere up to two hours of his salary and a detour to pick up a gesture of good will and it's a yawner and a joke.
And considering the life expectancy of cut flowers, he might as well have just torn up a couple of twenties and thrown them out the window, considering how much good will it engendered.
The other thing which bugs me is that the word is GUYS. So this means a lot of first dates.
They are supposed to, personality unknown, find imaginative and thoughtful ways to impress you without actually, you know, KNOWING you.
Let's put this in context.
You are my blind date.
Now, do you spend two hours (not knowing a darned thing about me) cooking and arranging a fancy meal which I may or may not like...or may actively hate...(I want thoughtfulness with every bite!)
Or do you play it safe and take me to Olive Garden or some other place which has a broad appeal?
This is expecting for quite a lot on the first few dates.
Of course, there is this little thing called 'communication'. "Hey, I just LOVE daisies". "Wow...I have a thing for Yeats." "Let's go test perfume samples." How hard is that? (Or my personal favorite: Having my wife stomp into the room, shoving a flyer in front of my face with an item circled and dragging my head to the appropriate section by the hair. Love you honey and I wish you'd be just as clear)
But no...a guy is supposed to be the Amazing Kreskin... on a first date, mind you.
Honestly, imaginative and thoughtful comes AFTER the woman has proven herself worth the effort. Not on a first date. (Or if she's really hot...but then she would treat 'imaginative and thoughtful' as par for the course anyway, so you can't win)
Dare I ask what imaginative and thoughtful gestures a woman brings to the table on the first few dates? I know, I know...I overstep my bounds.
FIDO at October 16, 2016 11:30 AM
Just to clarify, I do not mean to slight Tricia for having a lot of dates, but that it is a lot to expect a lot of imagination and creativity on a first date
FIDO at October 16, 2016 11:40 AM
FIDO: " ... it is a lot to expect a lot of imagination and creativity on a first date .."
When you are young and idealistic you (some guys) do attempt to be idealistic 'cause you are.
Once you realize that the effort produces no return you stop thinking about it. It's a goodwill gesture. Like bringing a bottle of wine to a dinner. That's it. You don't really care if it produces a positive response or not.
As FIDO said this is not about Tricia at all. Just an interesting side topic.
It also cuts two ways.
IME, If a woman is not really that interested in you but just taking a chance and you have paid attention and purchased her favorite flower she's SHOCKED and a little unnerved. How did you know this? Are you stalking me?
BUT, if she is kinda interested in you it's "WOW you noticed!". That's when you hope there's enough going for a second date.
Bob in Texas at October 16, 2016 6:22 PM
The purpose of gifting is twofold:
1 - to demonstrate that you care enough about your partner to note what makes them happier, and
2 - to demonstrate that you sometimes think of your partner when they're not present.
That's why we say, "it's the thought that counts."
Wallawallawanda at October 21, 2016 12:04 PM
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